If your husband lies about money & steals from you - is it OK to divorce? Or is this petty? 1.5 yrs married?

Question

My husband lies to me about money - pretty much regardless of the situation. Previously - we paid our own bills. That wasn't working, I always had to replinish his accounts. So - he had his entire paycheck deposited into my account and I give him an allowance. (He did this on his own volition) But - now he just writes multi-thousand dollar checks on my account to access money. Without telling me. So - our finances are screwed up. They stay screwed up. He says he is scared to talk to me .... but why? I don't throw things, I don't hit him...I typically just help him out. My biggest issue here is God said to be married through good and bad. Not to just cut & run....

Answer 1

I've been here, been with my husband 15 years and he is hopeless with money. He still takes money out of my purse when I'm not looking, so I don't keep much in there. Lying is a real issue in marriage, and you need to make sure that money is the only issue he's lying about - not other things as well. If it's other things, I think you better get out of there fast. If he's got a serious gambling problem (sounds like it's something like this if he's writing cheques for thousands of dollars) then you need to leave. He's not gonna get help if you ask him to, he needs to want to do it for himself. You are working hard and shouldn't have to go through life to constantly pay off his debts and not have anything for yourself.

He's scared to talk to you - because he's probably not telling you the whole truth. He's scared you'll leave - which you should do if he's lying about more than just the writing of cheques & stealing oout of your purse.

If you love him & trust him with everything else, and this is the only issue, then it can be managed if he agrees to it. We've been doing it for two years now and it's working fine.

1) Put all bills in his name
2) Put all assets (except his car) in your name
This way, if he goes bankrupt (my husband did), they can't take the assets of you! - and if you ever need to leave, you're covered.
3) Have two bank accounts (one in your name & one in his) - don't have a cheque book at all (I know this is a pain, but if you really have to pay for something by cheque, either buy a money order or get a bank cheque for large amounts), have a keycard and don't tell him the pin number. Pay all your bills either in cash or by BPay over the phone direct out of your account.
4) Put both pays into your account, then transfer his weekly allowance into his account once a week (set up a direct debit)
5) Whatever allowance you give him, he'll spend it in 5 minutes, so you need to put enough money in your purse each night to cover his petrol the next day (eg. $10) and nothing else, whatever is there, he'll take it right? Either leave your own cash in your keycard (don't EVER tell him the pin number) or hide it somewhere. - make sure you have this $10 in your purse every night, if not you'll either have to go down to the bank to get the cash out yourself in the morning or you'll be tempted to tell him your pin number and lend him your keycard - BIG MISTAKE!

If he hates the situation and is yelling at you, then you do need to leave. He is not your responsibility, he's a grown man, and it's not fair for him to treat you like this ever. We split up for 6 months (we've got 2 kids too, aged 4 & 6) - it took him that long to wake up to himself - and since we've been back together things are much smoother.

Good luck, I know exactly what you're going through, it's hard to make the break away, but once you do it, you'll feel so much more in control of your life. If he's going to continue to lie to you, you can do so much better.

Answer 2

It doesn't sound like 7 good years of marriage to me. It sounds like a train wreck. Why did you not tell him the truth? You need to be open with him and talk to him. The best way for the two of you to get past all the lies is for you to get yourself back home where you belong and see if he will go to marital counseling with you. If he won't do it then go without him. You have a lot of the blame here too and maybe a counselor can give you some insight. If the marriage is truly over, do not leave the house. Stay in your home until you get separation papers or divorce papers drawn up so that you are sure to get the financial support you need from him so you can get your own place. He cannot make you leave your home and leave your children behind. Talk to an attorney about this. Do not let him bully you.

Answer 3

There is still a limit to the phrase "through good and bad". Your husband has crossed the limit. It appears he is a compulsive liar and will not change. His handling of money will not change either. If you don't mind living a "screwed up" life with him, then stay on. If you want a better life for yourself, you have all the right and it is totally valid for you to divorce him on those grounds you mentioned. Believe me, this is not petty at all. This is major betrayal. Divorce him now and don't waste any more yrs of your life on him.

If you have no intention to divorce at this point in time, the first thing you should do is to convert the checking account to a joint one where both your signatures are required to withdraw any money. That way he can't sneak behind you to withdraw money.

Answer 4

god didn't say any such thing, honey, and if you are this deep a mess at only 1 1/2 years, you ain't seen nuttin' yet. Marriage is team work, respect, admiration, and trust. You ain't got none of these with this guy,sweets, and you know it, and god wouldn't like that you are unhappy. You aren't cutting and running, you are getting out of an error that is going to ruin you, your finances and maybe the rest of your life. What ARE you thinking????????? Dump this dude, hon. You are being used Big time, read again BIG TIME------, you are a door mat, and you can only remain one if you allow it. Grow some brass ovaries, babe, and get out. Geez, I've seen some really bad messes asked about on this site, but for sure, this is one of the worst. In your place, I'd be outa there, seeing an attorney, getting accounts frozen, and closed..... Tomorrow!!!!! Read again the one of the idiot above who has been putting up with this for 15 years..... want that??????

Answer 5

This is something you will have to decide based on the circumstances and how bad it is. His writing checks without you knowing and lying about money could really get you in hot water someday. He might drive you into bankruptcy or cause you to lose a house or other property. If you don't dump him, I'd certainly be putting a secret stash of money somewhere in a private account that he doesn't know about, at least you will have something to fall back on when he really ruins you. Good luck.

Answer 6

Wow, that's a hard one. Sounds like he's taking responsibility to lightly. You don't sound like you are after his money. Maybe you should go to a financial advisor with him. He's not being honest with you either. Maybe you should keep your own money and not let him access your account. It's not being selfish. Budget your money so he can have a set amount and let him have his account but put only a certain amount in his own account. :) After nearly a decade of being with my hubby only here recently did he thank me for taking care of our bills. He isn't good with handling money unless I tell him how it needs to be spent. And over a thousand dollars written out in checks. That is either wanting things you don't have or a much deeper rooted problem.

Answer 7

When you are married, it is for better or worse true, but when you are married the MONEY is BOTH, not yours or his. Why is it separate? You didn't say, I assume he just likes to spend money. Money is a big problem is marriage, CONTROL is the biggest problem, the one who has more money is usually in control and the one who has less is treated like they are less than human sometimes. I would talk to him seriously and try to come to some aggreement about the money, if you can't then it's time to consider being apart.

Answer 8

Wow, if you feel that you can not communicate with your husband about certain issues, then lack of communication will end the marriage....You better get a grip of your finances soon...I just take most of my money out of checking and put it in savings. Whatever I need for checking goes into checking all extras go to savings so if I want money I have to go to the bank. Now that is where you give him limited access to the bank....So when he bounce a check, then he is going to have to answer me...and it won't be pretty....

Answer 9

I have 4 rules in marriage. They are: No lying, No hitting, No cheating, and No stealing. These are deal breakers. You need marriage counseling, NOW. He needs to over come his fears and work on his personal issues. If he can't or won't do this then you are going to miserable in a God sanctified marriage or you can say enough is enough and leave.

Answer 10

Trust is the most important thing in marriage, once its lost its very hard to ever get it back. I would ask him to consider some sort of counseling and if that does not work, I think for you own sanity I would move on. He could wreck your credit for years and worse yet you could end up being responsible for any debts he makes. Lying and stealing sure do not make for a good marriage.