My husbands says that he loves me but that he's not in love with me. He says he doesn't feel the way he used to about me and he's been unhappy for a while. He says that he's confused and has to think things through. He's been keeping his feelings to himself and telling other people, not me. He's been working alot and all of his days off and its hard for him to spend time with me and my son. 2 days ago he said that he wants a divorce, 100%. I asked him if we could atleast separate for a month so he could think things through. He agreed. Now it's been a couple of days and he's slowly coming around.I want him to plug back into our family and our relationship. How do I get him to do that without totally running him off? We started dating 9 years ago and we got married 2 years ago. He said the last time that he was happy was just after the start of 2006. He doesn't know why he's unhappy doesn't know what will make him happy. He has been lying to me and to himself. We have a 4yr.
2006-11-14 13:59:58 · 18 answers · asked by venomous354 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
try getting couples counseling . . .it should really help a lot.
2006-11-14 14:03:22 · answer #1 · answered by a_blue_grey_mist 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Listen, I know you don't want to hear this but he can say that because most the time they are already involved with someone else and that's where the confusion and unhappiness comes from. He's agreed to separate for a
month, you really must love him to give him that space. I hope I am wrong but the words I love you, but not in love with you is usually a nice way of saying my feelings are elsewhere. You have a child together and make it work, if you can, but don't let him off that easy, ask questions, you may not want the answers but at least you'll know the truth. Good Luck
2006-11-14 23:08:09 · answer #2 · answered by frustrated 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to gently guide him to counseling ASAP. You need a good, family oriented counselor - Christian counselors are generally better about working towards keeping family units together and helping to strengthen them than some other counselors who will tell him to do whatever makes him happy. He doesn't know what he wants right now. Most people go through this at some point in their relationship . . . though not always to this degree.
There is a good chance that he is having an affair or is wanting to free himself to pursue an infatuation. You may scoff at this but you would be surprised at how many woman are convinced that their husbands (or boyfriends) do not have the time, energy, or heart to do something like this to their family. Believe me - he has found the time and energy to do this and has convinced himself that he doesn't love you anymore. That what he is doing is the right thing. This is a temporary state of mind. It will pass but, if action isn't taken right away, it will be too late.
Two good books for you to read that may help you understand what he believes he is going through are 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman and 'The Sexy Years' by Suzanne Somers. The latter book touches on quite a bit that probably won't apply but her views on relationships and how men's and women's viewpoints differ are very accurate. Every couple should read these books before getting married and at crisis points in their relationship. I think yours qualifies as a crisis point.
If you can gently enlist the help of his family, your family, and friends it may help. If you are normally a dominant personality in your relationship you need to tone it down and become more of a listener. If you are more on the meek or indecisive side, you need to seek counseling yourself and learn to achieve peace and balance.
Best of luck to you.
2006-11-14 22:42:32 · answer #3 · answered by greyrider 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to double your effort! The relationship might be monotonous already. You had known enough of each other & there is no more thrill to it. If you are cookig, cook the best recipes you think he loves. Try discovering something new. Try recalling back in time what made both of you happy. Do you used to stroll in the park or watch movies which you dont do anymore? Try having dinner in a place with romantic ambiance. Probably suggest an out of town trip for both of you & with your child that is if you have one! You should probably dress the way you started before. Are you getting fat? Have an exercise! Have a new hairdo!
Whatever your religion is, put the Lord in the middle of your relationship. Always pray hard! Prayers can move mountains.
2006-11-14 22:07:50 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You may not want to hear this but yes you can take him back now short term. but without figuring out what he wants and why he's feeling this way this will just happen again for him. As you said he's st\ill confused and doesn't know what he wants. My guess is he doestn' know where to go now and he's on his own and says wait what am i doing i better get back. but then give it time and he'll be all mixed up again and wanting to leave. so its better for your marriage and both of you to find out what the real problem is and fix it. maybe your sex life has died. maybe he feels bored maybe you dont' look at him the same way anymore maybe maybe maybe theres could be many thihngs you need to have him open up to you or a thearapist. much better to have your husband back full heartedly not cause he's out of water and can't swim so he's coming back.
Good luck
2006-11-15 01:42:25 · answer #5 · answered by For ever in my Heart 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That book by Dr. Laura IS a good one. If he's agreeable to counseling, go for it!
That is almost the exact same thing my husband said to me. We went to counseling, had a separation, he begged me to come back & things were great for a little while. Years later I find he's cheated on me multiple times & we're getting divorced. I hope that won't be the case for you. If he's not really into giving it his all, I'd beware.
I think by the time he's decided he's not in love, it's because he's already seeing someone else - whether he's sleeping with her or not.
2006-11-14 22:36:29 · answer #6 · answered by I saw whatudid 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, give him some space and some time. A lot of couples go through times like this. My husband and I did...twice...we took turns having issues. It could be a lot of different things. Counseling is not always the way to go unless there are some serious psychological issues going on. You can talk to your friends, each other, your preacher (if you have one), and it won't cost you a DIME. Anybody can give you an opion or advice without you having to pay for it. The biggest thing is to talk to each other without any pressure from either side. It's very common, and totally natural to go through phases like this. Don't give up, but don't make a scene about it either.
2006-11-14 22:18:17 · answer #7 · answered by mjboog2 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your first problem is dating him for so long with out mariage. After you are in a relationship for two years tops with a guy and you don't have a ring on your finger you should let them go. And as far as what you shouls do I feel you should let him go, if he says he does not love you any more and he wants a divorce give him one. You can't force someone to love you, unless you can become the person you were when the love was fresh. Wives that go on forcing their husbands to love them after the husbands say they want it to be over have their bodies found in the lake somewhere so again give him what he wants before we see your husband on the news wanted for murder
2006-11-14 22:09:49 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
aye aye aye, this is so very confusing! oi my gosh it really is and i feel so bad for you. talk to him gently and as serenely (is that a word? well if not then , i mean like in a very serene way) as possible, ask him if you guys can go to the park or somethin and talk things thru. if you and him both feel 100% terrible then divorce it out! good luck and God bless you! nobody can go thru that, a part of me inside would have been killed if my husband did that to me. but i don't have a husband and the experience so tuff it out!
2006-11-14 22:06:27 · answer #9 · answered by sPrInG LiLY 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry to say this but for him to say that usually means one thing. He is focusing the energy that he should be focusing on you and your child with someone else. As long as you keep the communication lines open there is hope. Also, the best thing you can do for your marriage is have faith and go to church. Goodluck and I hope everything works out.
2006-11-14 23:18:19 · answer #10 · answered by Tgirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am going to give you some very helpful advice and trust me it will help. Get the proper care and feeding of husbands by Dr. Laura Schelsinger it really will help your marriage. Good luck and remember to try and rekindle the love by doing the things you use to do when you wer'e the closest, my best to you!
2006-11-14 22:18:49 · answer #11 · answered by Cheryl K 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋