I've been seeing a guy for 3 mths. He's recently sep'd after 12 yrs (wife cheated/chose her lover). They are both caring for their 2 children and ARE getting div'd.
I've been loving it--he's called each day/included me/treated me to dates. I've told him I love him a few times. He was my b-friend when I was 15 (I'm 40 now/no kids).
When I first called he said he was dating. We've talked about going slow.
I knew he was stressed, but I learned only recently just HOW much. He feels "spread too thin" at times. Some stress recently caught ME by surprise, too. Understandably, I am not THE priority in his life (his kids are), but I'm only human. So I had a couple moderate "tear sessions" recently/nothing *too* "crazy." He cried once with me.
I haven't seen him now for 1 1/2 wks but will tomorrow. We've talked by phone 3 times.
1) Am I "relationship material" to him or "rebound girl?"
2) Was this mini break-up inevitable (or did my tears cause it)?
3) Should I wait? How long?
2006-11-14 11:47:13 · 15 answers · asked by Taramasu2U 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
1. You're the rebound girl. He's needs three years to recover from the divorce (starting at the date of the divorce).
2. You probably caused the break-up.
3. Again... you should have waited and you should have waited until the divorce was final after a l-o-n-g time.
4. You didn't ask but... yes, his kids will be the priority in his life. Can you handle that? If not, move on.
2006-11-14 11:50:57 · answer #1 · answered by mJc 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
He needs some space to sort out his life before he gets to emotionally involved with any ladies or they will be rebound relationships. I doubt very much that you crying had anything to do with your mini break up. As for a time of waiting who knows it varies with everyone regardless of sexes. But much like a death we all need time to grieve the end of a relationship. It's so easy to get into a rebound relationship when you have been so hurt by your partner leaving you for another also, as it is almost like I'll show then that others want and/or can love me. You state that you are a 40 year old woman so you are mature enough to know most of this stuff already and don't really need me to reinforce it. Do what you think is best for you and I wish you a happy, stress free life.
2006-11-14 11:53:44 · answer #2 · answered by crazylegs 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
All good questions, sweetie.
First, I always think it's a mistake to date a separated guy, rebound is just too common.
Second, plan on lots of those.... he really doesn't have his feet under him.
Thirdly, go out with other guys, unless he expects you to be exclusive. You don't have to tell him, and you don't have to go to bed with any of these dates, but, hey, hon, dating a separated guy is just tttoooooooooooooo iffy. I've heard just too many stories, so plan that not much will happen. You are an interim, not anyone he could commit to, and not because he wouldn't want to, he just can't at this time, and probably never will. Nothing against you, it's the situation. Should you wait, uh, no. And so far, you only have 3 months in it, not three years.
2006-11-14 12:09:22 · answer #3 · answered by April 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
he's still married, and maybe he can't invest the time with u, and the children do come first always, i think he is not over his wife, and before u go any farther into this relationship, know that theres always a chance he may pick his wife over u, so don't put your all into it, don't expect too much. u really don't know if what he told u about his wife is true or not. he hasn't called because he is either considering reconciliation with the wife, or he feels he can't invest alot into your relationship. can't wrap yourself up in a married man, or make demands on their time, or they might just not want to come around. but honestly u deserve more from a relationship, and u will feel resentful when he is spending all the time with the family and not u.
2006-11-14 12:55:22 · answer #4 · answered by jude 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He's getting a divorce after 12 years. How fast woud you jump back into another situation? My advice is to just enjoy each other's company and have some fun when possible. Time has a way of working things out. The last thing he probably needs is more stress in his life.
2006-11-14 11:52:39 · answer #5 · answered by carolinagearjammer 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well you are on the rebound without doubt,
That does not mean that you cannot have a good rlationship but for now , you are playing with fire,
The question as to whether you should wait for him is yours to answer. Love is patient and kind and understanding so you may chose how long to wait. Only you can answer these questions.
2006-11-14 11:52:43 · answer #6 · answered by sexonsight 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is good you understand his kids are his priority. His kids have had enough turmoil in thier lives with the break up of their parents. If that is something you can't accept you would have to be the bigger person and end it saying to him "you need to focus on your kids they need you".
Yup think that you are the rebound, I think he is now realizing his kids first.
Mini break up? Don't make him feel quilty for no reason with your tears. Crying was pretty selfish.
Wait until his kids are 18.
2006-11-14 12:00:22 · answer #7 · answered by Pandora 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Separated men are still married men. Until the divorce is final you are wrong for dating him. Imagine your husband saying he needs space or a trial separation. Would you want him dating during this time while he is still your husband?
Many people will disagree with me but I counsel people on both sides of this situation everyday and you are in the worst position possible. No matter what he says and no matter what his wife says the possibility exists for reconciliation. Leave that married man alone. If he is serious about you he will be just as serious when the ink is on the final divorce decree.
2006-11-14 12:34:35 · answer #8 · answered by datingyoungincali 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
whether you are relationship material or not is not for you to decide.right now he has a lot of emotions to deal with especially after losing a wife of 12 years.it took sometime to get separated and so you should avoid putting him under pressure to get serious with you.Love is patient and kind and so if you can't take it slow and stop worrying about your clock ticking you should date other guys who are free right now.
2006-11-14 12:07:23 · answer #9 · answered by sherie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He won't be ready until he is DIVORCED. He is still legally married. Take it slow, because you could be the rebound chick. If you don't feel like a #1 priortiy, chances are, you're right. God gave us the gift of women's intuition. Use it!!
2006-11-14 11:52:25 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋