Another poem (last of the night I promise!)?

Question

It's called 'Drowning.' Any comments would be appreciated, thanks. Esp constructive ones.

We watched from the edge of the water,
And when it got too deep, we swam.
Marble waves tossed us, fragile,
But still we could not waver, not look away for a second.
Set in the concrete spell of it all.
Yellows turned to reds turned to blues.
Soon blackness was a second eyelid to us both.
Scooping over the once distinct waters.
I said, maybe, mate, maybe we should get back.
But the inky waves did not answer me.
I clawed to shore, and
it was suddenly thick as scrambled eggs,
handfuls of sea slipping and sloshing,
filling up my clothes, heavy.
Far off, you screamed something.

Something important.

I was young and
I couldn’t find you in the layers of black.
I wasn’t to know and
I did not understand that time mattered.

And the moon was still up there, watching us.

Actually, I'm happy as larry (or whatever that phrase is!) But thanks, Rich... I'll bear that in mind. My next poem will be for you and about happiness of some sort!

Answer 1

Here is a non-constructive one - you can stop reading here if you don't want it.

I think you have an exceedingly morbid view of life.

Answer 2

I sort of think Rich is right.

Poetry is, like all other art forms, a medium through which the emotion of the artist is expressed.

What do _I_ feel about your feelings and your poem?

4th line is a little long and interrupts the scan of the first 5 lines - not sure if it is deliberate when you are talking about "marble waves tossed us"

"maybe, mate, maybe we should get back" sounds excessively Aussie aussie aussie (oi oi oi) to me

The story it presents to me is that you and a friend are swimming (literally or figuratively) and the waves (or the circumstances) are rough and threatening. Initially you two could not waver but then you choose to go back to shore - a difficult feat - and then you find your friend is still stuck out there calling you / shouting something to you. You cannot reach your friend (hidden in the layers of black) and while you didn't understand that time mattered there is an image of the moon which is both representative of inconstancy with time and an image of a recurring cycle.

Sounds like you've lost a friend in difficult circumstances and this is an apology or a rationalization.

Answer 3

The effect is disorienting, which is appropriate for this topic. The reader wants to know where the narrator, or the self, is, but can't get a grasp on it.

Consider stopping with "Something important." It becomes more chilling if you end it there.
Find a different simile than scrambled eggs. Food doesn't work at that point. Although I realize it is hard to find objects with that texture and consistency. What about "tar" or "coral sponge"?

Answer 4

It was good. I think the 9th line needs to be quotation marked if someone said something though. Good representation of the waters. A little twisted but jsut enough to keep you wondering where it's going.