hi,its me agian I thank alot of you for your wise answers.yeah I 'm the guy whos 14 yr marriage is on the brink of distruction do to her infidelaty with other guy a 25yr old at that!we are in our early 30's.some of you asked if I gave affection I always did ,hugs soft kiss on the cheecks neck and mouth,that is affection isn't it?plus the words I love you and am in love with you never stopped coming out of my mouth.she is a depressed person and also very insecure about herself .I always told her she was beautiful in my eyes no matter what and the I'm commited to her.she did tell me at times that she felt lonely whether I was home or not.I tryed to comfort her and get her to explain these feelings to me but she would just shut down on me.I never went out with out her only to work and back.where did I fail!like I said she was always drinking and on the net.she is coming back home withour 2 kids but only wants to be friends until she figures how to live with that guy.what do I do?
2006-11-14 08:29:15 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This is a TOTAL shot in the dark, and it isn't great news, but I want to throw it out there for you to consider. This woman's behavior sounds a lot like the crap I was pulling when I was dealing with an undiagnosed and unmedication case of mild bi-polar disorder. I know her actions seem crazy to you (and to all of us, really), but if you can imagine this, it doesn't seem crazy to her at all. When I was going through all of that, I was a MASTER at justifying ANY action or thought to myself. The trouble is, IF this is similar to what she is dealing with, she has to recognize there is a problem and seek help. You can't force her to do anything. Which stinks. Because you have a family and a relationship she is betraying with her twisted actions. I am really sorry. Maybe she would be open to a discussion of this... I don't know.
2006-11-14 08:34:37 · answer #1 · answered by stillstanding 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you are at the crossroads here. She needs a reality check.
As hard as this sounds I think its time to take the firm line.
If she left you but needs to move back as friends, I think you take your kids and toss her butt out to the street. Stop the money
the friendliness and any cooperation. Give the cheat her car her clothes and a tank of gas and toss her out. The tough love might sink in and it sounds like you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Keep your kids out of the custody of a cheating woman. This is not the lifestyle anyone wants their kids living. If this does wake her up then she can return with the understanding that she is there as your wife, your faithful wife, and she agrees to not do this again. If you find that she is cheating again to the curb. She will continue to walk on you as long as you allow it to happen. You have given her the love attention and respect she used to deserve. She therew that away. She does not deserve it now and should not recieve it.
Do not accept this as your failure. You have done the things you were supposed to do as a man. Love, marry, children, work and
provide. She has decided for whatever reason to toss that away for some other guy. Let that other guy deal with supporting her for a while and see where it goes. She comes to him to stay with only her clothes he will probably toss her as well. Do you suppose this other guy will put up with her doing this to him in time. She apparently needs to find out on her own.
This is not your failure this is her failure. Believe that,take care of your kids and do not allow her to flaunt her new lifestyle in your house as a friend. This is not the act of a friend. That was not a part of the deal when she moved in and it should not be now.
ert her back on your terms and your terms only.
Good Luck
As for depression , it is real. It also requires treatment. If she will agree to that you might also allow her a bit of time . If she does not or will not deal with that then her choice is made. For now
Treatment and wife or gone which is it?
2006-11-14 17:03:16 · answer #2 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
...hmm you can't let her back into your life, but both had kids together. If she moves back in with you, it will tremendously affect you mentally, emotionally, and behaviorally as well (which might in turn affect your children as well.)
You showed her love and affection, but she remained self-loathing instead, drinking it away, pursuing fantasying love-dance relationships on the internet. My point is this, no matter what direction your relationship is pointing to now, it might not hurt to shell out some money and seek advice from a (good) psychiatrist. I only say this because of the developing intricacies involved in a 14yr relationship and what you are faced with at this very moment need some serious innermost reflection. I don't say this soley for the benefit of you but more so your kids. They need stability from their parents until they are adults.. Leads to better integrative solutions for when they come up to bat in heavy hitting relationships.
Good luck &
Be well
2006-11-14 16:57:35 · answer #3 · answered by Jade 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As hard as it is to accept, your wife doesn't want to be with you right now. Perhaps anymore in general. She has done wrongs to you and you're allowing her to come home until she "figures how to live with that guy." It's apparent how much you truly love her, but that doesn't force her love in return. The fact is, you can't force it. No matter what happened for it to be this way...It is this way. She is seeing someone. I suggest you do the same. Move on with your life. You may need to mourn the loss of your marriage before you can move on. Grieve if you have to. Don't rush yourself into anything, but keep in mind that there is someone out there that will love you the way you want to and deserve to be loved.
If there is anything you love to do, then latch on to that. Conjure up old hobbies. You might need to consider getting away for a few days at least. Clear your head.
If you want to be her friend, then be her friend. Don't pressure her for more. If you pressure her, that will only put the "rebel syndrome" into effect. Her not being with you anymore is her choice. Marriage is not ownership. It is a union of choice between two people and I need not to remind you of divorce rates.
Perhaps, you can suggest marital counseling even if you two aren't going to get back together as husband and wife. You will have to be able to relate in a civil manner with this woman for the sake of the common bond of your children.
Remember, the saying "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it does not, then it was never meant to be." God bless and good luck! ! !
2006-11-14 16:44:23 · answer #4 · answered by Teresa Dagger 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Man, don't let her play with you like that. Have some pride. You did everything you could to keep her happy but apparently she did not love you. I am sorry to say this, but it looks like she traded her family for some guy. Tell her that she can leave the kids with you, until she decides what to do with her life. Unless you are able to forgive her and trust her again, the thought of her with somebody else will hunt you in your dreams. My advice is to forget about her, be a responsible parent, and find somebody that will love everything you have to offer.
2006-11-14 16:39:43 · answer #5 · answered by LeCock 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's really too bad that she is doing this you sound really to good to be true. She will regret it... but the sad thing is by the time she regrets it it will be too late.
I would say 14 years is a long time and you are stable. and you did not fail at all in this relationship. this is her and all her. she sees someone that is younger and she still feels like she has "IT"but in the long run he's going to leave.
What you need to do is remind her what she has and what she will be missing and if she leaves there is nothing you can do about it.
Good luck
2006-11-14 16:39:25 · answer #6 · answered by kehorn 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You did not fail hon, your wife is depressed and that is her issue. It will continue to spill over and burn your life until she gets help. She needs to see her doctor and talk about her drinking and depressed/lonely feelings. Sobering up, medication, good diet and exercise should put her back on track. It won't be an easy road, but that's the solution.......if she wants it. If she doesn't, you may have to explain to your kids that she won't look after her health and so you and them will be a new kind of family. Good luck and God bless you.
2006-11-14 16:32:52 · answer #7 · answered by alwayslarat 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like a minor mid life crisis.
30 half way to 60 and what did she do with her life?
Younger guy hmm trying to re-capture her youth you think?
She needs to wake up. I recommend to separate and take the kids and then talk about child support to you since you have the kids. Its amazing how people wake up when they have to start paying out money for their mistakes. BTW, the 25yr guy does want kids they will crap his style. Being a parent is work and love for your kids is the only reason any puts that much work into it.
2006-11-14 17:03:41 · answer #8 · answered by snack_daddy10 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Who are you and when did you dissapear??? Introduce yourself to YOU again! She'll be fine but you might not be.
Did you ever eat something that was drowned in sauce so bad you couldn't taste the main ingredient? YOU are the main ingredient and she is the flavoring! You can change the flavoring but the main ingredient designates what the main course is! Keep the Shrimp Scampi and toss the side dish with the 30 year old dressing!!!
2006-11-14 16:41:05 · answer #9 · answered by sheree 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
you are not the failure!!! you didn't play up
she is the failure!! I wouldn't let her treat you that way you should not take her back unless she is truly very very sorry she knew what she was doing even if drunk
you are still young so I say find a new life but include always your kids in your life & also I'll give you a tip never run your wife down to the kids because that will hurt them because they love Dad & Mum
all the best
2006-11-14 16:44:37 · answer #10 · answered by ausblue 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋