Should i see a therapist? or doctor?

Question

Why i ask that is, i didnt have a nice childhood, i was messed around with by a guy when i was very young, and i grew up thinking it was the norm to do this. As time went on, i then knew it wasnt right, i tryed to like females but could not, untill i met a lady, who i fell for, shes now my ex and im married now. i do love my wife but dont fancy her and im not inlove with her. i still like men and cant help myself thinking about them all the time. but at the same time i have been with a guy but didnt like it and i flet sick after and needed to clean myself, i also now dont like sex with my wife, i cant stand it. and i feel sorry for my wife who doesnt no whats the matter with me. I hate being the way iam. I feel so mixed up in the head it makes me insane,somedays i drive my car and want to crash it. i have a little girl with problems in her life and she needs me with her, so i just cant walk away from my family.Sould i see somebody like a doctor? or tell my wife. Please help :-(

Answer 1

You do need to talk through these issues. Do you have a friend or a very close confidant you can talk to about these things?

Drop me an e-mail someday if you want to chat. You will be surprised what just getting some of this off of your chest will do for your attitude and your happiness!

Answer 2

Well, just so you know, there are other people out there that are confused and scared. There is nothing wrong with not knowing what to do. Everyone has problems and some are way worse then yours. So please don't be hard on yourself. I do recommend a therapist to help you sort out how you truly feel. I don't think a doctor is going to help you, besides saying yeah it still works. Also, try talking to a friend that knows about your past and make sure it someone who truly cares and won't laugh because that makes the problem worse. I promise one day you will wake up and everything will fall into place. So keep driving the car in a strait line and not into a wall, your life is worth more then you think.

Answer 3

What a difficult problem!

Look, the best bit of advice I ever heard came from Ghandi, when a Hindu man asked what he should do, because a Muslim had killed his son.

Ghandi thought about it for a while, and then suggested that the man adopt another, and bring him up as his son, but added, "But be sure to bring him up as a Muslim".

Do you see what he was saying?

Ghandi was wise enough to know that Muslim hatred was not the best answer, but that to love a son, and bring him up to be the same as those who had killed, would enable him to love both the boy and other Muslims also.

You have to confront several issues in much the same way, by learning how to love yourself for what you are, by learning to love another as yourself, and by ridding yourself of guilt or disgust after what happened to you.

You probably don't need a therapist or a doctor. More likely, you need to talk to people in your own situation, and there are groups of poeple who can help you achieve that. You are not alone with this problem at all.

You don't say whether the man who had sex with you as a boy was violent or excessively dominant, but clearly, you were under his spell if you grew up to think that this was normal.

Well, apart from the obvious age-gap and the legal status of that early relationship, (such as it was), sex between males is entirely normal, and not in the least bit "dirty" or "destructive."

If you are gay, you are gay, and you cannot change it. If you are straight, or somewhere between the two, then that is also "what you are."

Be yourself, and confront the ghosts which haunt you, and the best way of doing that is to get to know, as a friend, a gay man who has gone through a situation similar to your own. That way, by talking to them, you find affinity, you decrease your own feelings of isolation and you enter into a voyage of self-discovery; maybe for the first time.

The worst things are guilt, anger and an inability to move one in life, which is where we come back to Mr Ghandi.

Go where you will, and love who you will in whatever way you can, but know this, that someone is going to get hurt, and it may be the family you care about rather than yourself.

You are not alone, and you are not part of the first generation to face the problem, and all anyone can hope is that you find the peace you desparetly seek, and the self-respect that you deserve.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Wow! What a mess. Okay, first off, a big part of your unhappiness is that you are keeping an awful secret to yourself. That is eating away at you. So you MUST tell your wife - but first make an appointment with a psychiatrist so that you can say to her, "There's something I have to tell you - it's big, and it's painful, but I'm losing my mind keeping it from you. Before I tell you, I want you to know I have an appointment with a shrink" (tell her the doctor's name). Then you tell her you care for her and your daughter very much, but ever since childhood ,,, Now all of this will really hurt - it'll be devastating. But the TRUTH will set her free. I'm sure she knows something is very wrong. A woman knows if her husband doesn't desire her. She deserves a mate that DOES desire her. Set her free. Be prepared to endure her wrath, her disappointment, her fear (AIDS? - good idea if you get tested BEFORE you tell her the secret, so you can show her you are HIV-free). Let her rip into you, BECAUSE .. she will forgive you, not right away, but sometime soon. She may even be the one person who can help you through this. You should have a separation soon, and then you must not choose another lover or partner for a year. Meanwhile, go to the shrink and he/she will help you with your sexual identity crisis. I wish you success.

Answer 5

You should definately see a therapist. You can tell your wife that you have some emotional issues (does she know about the molestation when you were younger?) and let her know she hasn't done anything wrong to make you not attracted to her. Your therapist can help you sort out your possible homosexual feelings and can also help with the problems with your daughter. You need help...seek it. If you have suicidal feelings call 1-800-SUICIDE and visit www.hopeline.com. This is not your fault so do not be ashamed to ask for help sorting this out. Best of Luck to you.

Answer 6

I'd say a therapist rather than a GP (who would probably refer you to one anyway). Have you tried opening up to your wife so that she could understand what's goign on. It may be a start in the right direction of getting your life back on track. If that's not an option then def chat to a therapist.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 7

First of all... You are not crazy or insane. You were molested as a child and a child is not emotionally or physically ready for sexual contact. My advice would be to 1) Start with your wife and let her know what's going on with you. It's not fair to leave her dangling in the wind clueless as to what's happening. 2) If therapy is an option and you are willing to take steps to begin the healing process then do it. There are a lot of positives to therapy. I hear your pain in this email and it breaks my heart for you. Sending you e-hugs! ((((((((((HUG))))))))

Answer 8

Get some help. You simply can't deal with all this on your own. Thousands out there are feeling and have felt just the way you do... you are expecting way too much of yourself.

Visit this site http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ & call the number provided - it's anonymous, and they will refer you to help in your area.
Reach out to someone. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but there IS help. Good luck to you

Answer 9

you will do your wife a big favor telling her,perhaps you should see a professional.you should not ignore your true feelings,your wife will be very upset and hurt,this is normal,but the truth is the best way to go,you wife will heal in time,you will not if you continue to lie to her,you can still be a good father and not lie to your wife and child.do the right thing,tell the truth ,you will be amazed at how much better you will feel,and let your wife vent and express her anger.

Answer 10

I would definately see a therapist, psychologist or someone. They can help you deal with what you are feeling and help you figure out what you want. You are having thoughts of wanting to crash your car. What good would you be to your daughter if you did that? If you come out of the closet, I think that would be easier for everyone to deal with than your death. Good luck.