I'm an atheist married to a Catholic?

Question

When we got married, I was still going to church, but had some doubts. Over the course of the next 5-6 years, after a lot of soul searching I realized that religion just didn't make sense to me and that I no longer believed in God. I shared with my wife about every step of my journey, even though I could see that it upset her that I no longer believe.

Now we've been married 11 years and it still bothers her a great deal. She still cries about it. It causes a lot of friction between us. But I can't pretend to believe something I don't, and even if I could I respect her too much to lie about it.

I'm not interested in re-finding my faith, so don't suggest that, but what can we do to accept that we don't have the same spiritual beliefs anymore without it driving a wedge between us?

Answer 1

I'm sorry. You need to talk to your wife to make her understand your feelings. Just as she wishes for you to respect her beliefs, she needs to respect yours, whatever they are.

It is entirely possible for an "atheist" and a "Catholic" to live together without a "wedge" between them. I know because I lived in such a family.

My father was an atheist and my mom was a devout Catholic, my brother and I were raised "Catholic". Believe it or not "religion" was never a "issue" between my parents.

My mother raised us in the Catholic church. My father allowed her to make whatever decisions needed to be made where our faith was concerned.

When our family travelled my Dad always found the local Catholic Church for us to attend. On Christmas he used to come to church with us. He didn't come because he "believed", he came because he "loved" my mother and wanted to make her happy. He may not have had the same "beliefs" as my mom but he respected hers.

Likewise, my mom respected his feelings and never tried to "push" her beliefs on him. She never asked him to come to church with us and she never tried to make him feel "guilty" for not going. She prayed for him, but she did so "privately".

When my father was close to death, he requested a priest. None of us ever knew what their conversation was about, but I think it gave my mother great comfort.

It is possible to live together with love and respect and still have different religious beliefs, my family is proof of that. I still practice my faith (although I am lacking when compared to my mom, lol), but my husband no longer goes to church with me. It hurts me and sometimes I get a little "annoyed" with him, so I understand how it can "bother" your wife.

But when I start to feel like that, I try to keep my mouth shut and remember how my parents respected each other's feelings. Like my mother, I pray for my husband all the time. I hope that someday he will come back to church with me but if he doesn't, it's his choice. I will continue to pray for him while I try to respect his wishes.

Talk to your wife, communication is just as important as respecting another's wishes and beliefs. I wish you all the best. God bless.

Answer 2

i'm very sorry on your tears and soreness and rigidity over this. i wager I even could say that you and this guy look incompatible even as it is composed of commencing a family individuals. He could develop his children Catholic in accordance to his beliefs. you may not develop your children Catholic in accordance to yours. And subsequently, you may't have children at the same time. No, there is no center floor. he's obliged to make constructive his children receive the Sacraments - it fairly is the minimum that a Catholic ascertain can do. which will be the most he could compromise. ideally, Catholic moms and dads include faith in on a daily basis life, from praying earlier and after nutrients to gazing saints' dinner party days, etc. limiting his youthful children to really the sacraments is already a large sacrifice on his area if he's giving up the daily stuff. As you experience there is truthfully no way you may forgive the entire church for the crimes of a few adult males who were hiding between our clergy, and as you may't settle for the actual shown actuality that the Church honors females as equals even as it is composed of sainthood (that is totally everyone's objective, even as the priesthood isn't), then i wager the really project you may do is split with this guy now and set both one in all you loose to discover well matched companions. i'm so sorry. i understand this hurts you deeply, yet even as 2 human beings are at such an deadlock, there is not some thing else to do.

Answer 3

I don't know if something like this can be remedied. Being that it has nothing to do with reason, no reasonable, rational argument will apply in this case. We could talk about "accepting" other people's convictions 'til we're blue in the face, but the truth is, it's nearly impossible to practice acceptance when your spouse rejects something that is so fundamental to your own world view. I would not suggest for you to re-find your faith - your path is just as valid as any other, and truth be told, religion makes no sense to me either. But I can see how it can cause great pain to your wife, to the point where it might drive you two apart; these convictions are just too important in her life, and she probably feels that you're rejecting her and her lifestyle when you're rejecting these deeply held beliefs. There's no easy solution to this; have you tried talking to a priest or a counselor? Perhaps they might offer some wisdom in reconciling your differences.

Answer 4

It depends upon how big religion is in her life. I'm with you -- that spooky stuff is just whacko. And I became a disbeliever in grade three...There's no old man in the sky, there is no heaven, when I die, my molecules get reused -- way more logical that angels, rays of light and someone saving me from nothing I ever did.

I would not suggest that you try religion again -- once someone concludes on the side of logic and reason, it is unlikely you can become a supernaturalist again. If she finds that incompatable to the point of making your marriage intolerable, then, a guy can't believe what is impossible. Part of the problem with differing religious views is that erodes the bases of marriage. Marriage is Admiration, Respect, Passion, and Trust. The first two are iffy, with your feelings toward each other --- how can you admire and respect someone (from your vantage point) who believes in the un-provable, and how can she admire and respect someone who thinks her religion is, at best, silly, and at worst illogical? The passion can remain, and the trust is still there, but the first two would be gone on both sides. I don't know, sweetie. I never dated, nor did I marry anyone with fundamentalist, conservative ideas --there could never have been an attraction.

It may end up that you two just never talk about religion, or that it ends up grinding on both of you to the point that there would be no reason to continue as a couple..... Sorry, wish I had a better solution..
You could certainly redefine God, as do liberals who go to churches other than Unitarian.... God is the energy of life, a foal running next to its mother, the joy of love, people like Bach, Mozart, Albanoni, are the voices of God, Leonardo being a tool----- God is in the hand of the surgeon who cures, the brush stroke of the artist who can pull you into a painting....god is in us all.... God is in the detail......And the language of god is DNA.... Half---maybe more -- of the people in the Episcopal church I attend are not supernaturalists, yet they use traditional language. I could go on and on of the philosophy of liberal religion, but think you get the idea....... (Paul Tillich used traditional terms, yet was a liberal.... you might read a few of his things... Google them... He was German, got out before Hitler had him killed, taught at the University of Chicago, and dies sometime in the 1960's) In any event, have given you a few things to think about....

Answer 5

I commend you for being honest with your wife about your feelings. It's very difficult for you both, but honesty serves you best in the long run.

I think your wife needs to understand that this is equally unsettling for you. Not only have you had to deal with a huge revalation and moment of clairty, that moment has also impacted your relationship with her. Your faith in yourself as an athiest is as strong in her faith in God, and equally important. You are not telling her not to believe or asking her to join your way of thinking. You have continued to be the faithful husband and friend that you've always been.

You have already accepted that your don't share the same beliefs, but your wife hasn't. It sounds to me like she can't shake the idea of you being an athiest to really think about it; she's been mourning the death of your belief in God, but not considering what a difficult situation this is for you too. To still be mourning this situation six years later is unhealthy, and makes me think that something more is going on.

I suggest that you find a therapist to help you understand each other's point of view. Don't go to counseling at a church; go to someone whose training and education allow them to focus on you as a couple, regardless of religious orientation. You'll be treated at equals from the onset. Whatever the results of the therapy, you'll both be better of than you would without it. If nothing else, you'll learn how to communicate better with each other until you decide what you want to do.

People are very serious about their faith. Some can't make decisions or see the world without it's impact. Being an athiest doesn't make you a lesser person or an unworthy husband. You are a man standing by your beliefs as she stands by hers. You have not abandon her because she continues to believe. You aren't asking her to compromise her faith. Unfortunately, faith makes things more complex for her. I can only suggest a marriage counselor and open-mindedness. Eventually, you'll have to decide if you can continue to live with your wife and her tears; she'll have to decide if she's willing to give you up to preserve her faith.

Good luck to you both.

Answer 6

I think your wife needs to learn acceptance. Not being religious is one thing she needs to accept. It is not going to change you into some monster and she needs to see that. You accept her being catholic and she should accept that you aren't. Some people make a big deal over things that are really petty. I was raised catholic and have left the church as I also thought it made no sense. Does this make me a bad person.. absolutely not, i still have morals and respect for others and myself. She needs to accept you for who you are as you do her. She is letting this drive a wedge between you for reasons only known to her.

Answer 7

Well, my fiance is a Protestant and I'm an atheist, so I have a similar problem. But, I think you just need to ask her to be more open with the idea that sometimes the two of you won't agree or believe in the same things, and that she should try to accept the idea. Maybe you could try to explain atheism in better detail to her so she understands it a bit better? Perhaps she's just scared of something she's not familiar with. Sorry that my advice couldn't be better.

Answer 8

What you can do is talk to her. Communication is always key. Tell her how you feel and tell her you respect her and her religion but that isnt you. Me and my husband have the same kind of arguments about religion. Ive learned and so has he we arent ever going to agree on anything. The one thing we will always agree on is that we both love eachother very much. No matter how we both believe our marriage is far more important to put a compromise then to argue about it all the time. He believes what he wants and i have my own. Just talk to her.

Answer 9

I think you should try to fing faith agian, but if your mind is made up then as much as it hurts your wife she should respect that and look at it at a different view. i mean she knows what she believes in and that should be what matters.

Answer 10

well first of all her belief is that she will go to heavan without you and maybe she loves you so much that you will go to hell and she will be lonely in heavan without u. ok well what u can do is maybe not give up on religion but find your own way to god, and individual course instead of the catholic way. religion may not make sense, i agree, but u should believe on your own, i am not suggesting u refind interest in catholocism but i am saying that u find your own path to god