My husband has a problem with money (and drugs). Should I divorce him?

Question

I've known my husband since I was 12 years old. At 16 we had a son together. At 19 we got married. He joined the Army, went to Iraq and is now finished with his service. We've been married for 4 years. When we were teenagers he use to do drugs (pot, pills, acid, coke). He cleaned up in the Army, but went right back to drugs once he got out. He was using coke daily for 5 months, which put us nearly 5 months behind in our bills! We had to move in with his parents and that's not going well. I put him thru rehab and thought he was clean for the last three months. He still hangs out with the people he uses with even though I've asked him not to. Last Friday we both got paid. I paid the bills and asked him for half the money. It's only Tuesday and he has no money, no gas and no cigarettes. He wont tell me where the money went, but I could guess. I'm so tired of this. I hate how he acts on drugs and how we're always broke. Should I try to work thru this or end a 12 year relationship?

Answer 1

I am a strong supporter of making a marriage work, but it does not sound like this man is taking your relationship seriously. As a husband and father he needs to be responsible for the well being of his family. As his wife you have a right to know where the money is going and where he is spending his time, as it involves the health and well being of the family.

You need to take him aside and be brutally honest with him. Explain that you cannot and will not live this way. If you think it's worth it, offer him another chance to redeem himself, but do not let this man put you and your child at risk. If he is doing drugs, that is exactly what he is doing. He could get arrested, and then you will be left without an income as well as legal bills.

It sounds like you are doing all of the work, and that is not the way to have a happy marriage. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you may need to move on. If you think he's capable of change, I would give him another chance.

Answer 2

Sit down & talk with him as calmly as you can & explain to him how you feel about this situation. Explain to him that the road he's taking with drugs & alcohol aren't making him a better person & you don't want your son to grow up & see his father doing these bad things. Ask him what your relationship means to him & let him know that you aren't going to "foot" the bills for him any longer. He needs to take on responsibility & being zoned out isn't doing that. It is true, he has to want to leave the drugs & stuff alone in order to really be clean & sober... & I don't know what would shake him up to get him to realize that what he's doing doesn't make him a man. Perhaps counseling would help & both of you could work together to help get him clean & to a point where he doesn't want to do it anymore. Usually when someone is turning to drugs, it's not only because they're hooked, but because they're running away from a problem they don't want to face. I don't know the situation personally, but maybe he feels things went way too fast & now he doesn't know what to do. Talking with him, might bring his reasons to the surface & provided he wants to better himself, you can then help him to achieve responsibilities in life.

Answer 3

Honey, no one can make you leave your relationship. I guess it all depends on how much you at will to put up with. Are you willing to allow him to snort all his money up his nose while you work your a** off to pay bills and take care of your son? Are you willing to allow your future go up your husbands nose? Are you willing to put you hopes and dreams of being a good wife, having a great house, living life to the fullest, are you willing to throw all that away for an addiction that your husband cant even afford? I want you to take a step back and look at the entire picture here. Once you make a decision, everything you once had will mean nothing. You need to decide not only for the well being and sanity of yourself, but for you child as well.
Good Luck!

Answer 4

If he wouldnt give it up, best thing to do is leave. He will be busted, everyone gets busted. Those who least expect it. And its not pretty on the family members. Especially, paying all the bills and more less supporting his habits. If I had that problem now, like I did a few years ago, I wouldnt put up with it at all. He can change if he wants to. The weak ones wont. They dont want to give it up. They like the feeling they get. Keeping yourself happy to some degree in life is very important. If your not happy then it tends to show on the outside as well. Better opportunities out there. Go find them

Answer 5

I'm a recovering addict/alcoholic. I had 8 years clean and started using again to numb the effects of a bad marriage, I don't blame her, I wasn't working a program so when the pain got so bad, I went to what I knew, drugs and booze. We got divorced and I eventually cleaned back up. The point is when I'm in active using can't nobody make me clean up, only I can. You've been through this before, you'r not helping him nor yourself by giving him "another chance" if your not ready to give up on the marriage yet, I would definitely suggest separation till he can be clean a while. You've got to get your affairs separate from his or he will take you down to. And no amount of pleading or begging will clean him up till he is ready. And he may never get ready, that's a fact.

Answer 6

That's a tough one. If you love him try to talk to him. You and him should sit down and talk about this calmly without arguing. A 12 yr relationship is a lot and i bet ya'll been through a lot of stuff. I dont think you should end it like that. Be a good wifey but if you're getting tired of it and you think there's no hope for both of you and there's no way out just try to let it go. I was in that position too and i tried so hard for him to stop. It's hard for the both of us but hes hanging there. And I think that's what you should do, be good to him let him now you'll be there no matter what. Good luck. I hope it works out!!!

Answer 7

The drug usage is interferring in your life, not only for you, but your child(ren) as well. If you have put him through rehab, and it has failed and he is back to his old ways, then that is not good. If you feel like you do not want to give up just yet, go to couseling and they may suggest another round of rehab. If he wants to stay clean, he has to cut all ties with the people he does drugs with. If you feel like you cannot go through it, then you have a better chance of making it on your own...not worrying about where your check is going(except bills). Good luck! :)

Answer 8

You got married mighty young. If you had committed a crime at that age, they wouldn't have given you a life sentence. It sounds like you're honoring a committment that he gave up on a long time ago. My vote, just based on your side of this story, is to cut your losses and move on.

The world is populated with a lot of really wonderful people (as well as addicts, crooks and ne'er do wells). Go give yourself a chance on one of the wonderful ones. And also, seek out a support group for codependency. There are free ones out there. His addictions should not be your problems.

Answer 9

Sit down with your husband and have a talk with him about how he is wrecking this marriage. Impress upon him that the only future he had with coke is a hasten death.I would give him at least one more chance before throwing in the towel on a 12 year relationship.

Answer 10

Sad situation but reality is that a lot of guys and girls return from overseas with huge substance issues. Perhaps you can talk with your local veterans affairs and see if they offer any help for vets who have drug problems. Or you could suggest either family counselling or narc-anon for his substance issues. If you know other guys or their wife's that have returned from Iraq then perhaps they may have some answers for you also. But if your man is too involved in the drug culture at present you may want to leave for everyone safety involved. Best of luck to both you and your husband.