I dont know how to tell my wife I'm gay?

Question

I enjoy my wifes company, however I do enjoy mens as well. I want to be truthful to my wife, but im affraid I will lose her for good. My wife dosent condone people being gay so im nervous to tell her. Will she take my kids away from me, for letting her know my sexuality?

Answer 1

Dude. Better you than me.

Answer 2

I'm sorry you're in this situation, because I'm sure you're not a malicious or bad person, but you also need to take some personal responsibility.

You got yourself into this mess. You decided to lie to your wife (and maybe yourself too) and marry her even though you were attracted to men.

Have you ever been or are you attracted to your wife at all? If so, maybe you're bisexual, and with the right amount of therapy you could work this out.

I'm not sure if you are completely unhappy, miserable, and gay- just wanting out of the marriage...

OR if you are happy with your wife and family but have yearnings and desires for more in your sexual life.

If you are gay and know you cannot bring it to yourself to work this out with your wife, then you need to have the decency to tell her ASAP. Give your wife and the mother of your children some scrap of dignity by telling her the truth and letting you go.

If you don't want to leave her, then I suggested you go to some couples therapy. I've got news for you, every man gets sexual yearnings for other people sometimes, no matter what sex they are. It doesn't mean you have to act on it, when you said your vows you took a pledge to your wife to be faithful to her and to stay by her through thick and thin. You have children, probably very beautiful and bright kids with her. If you two divorce and you end up with a man...do you know how much this will interrupt their lives? This will hurt and scar them forever, and chances are that yes, she will probably get custody should you leave her. Please really rethink what you're doing and get some counseling on your own, and then bring your wife in and have a trained family therapist help you reveal to your wife your big secret.

Whether you try to make it work with your wife or not, there is a chance that wounds will heal over time and you can all get along.

I stress mostly that you need to tell her. If you want to leave her to be with men you need to respect her enough to tell her NOW, like, yesterday. It won't be easy, but you will feel better when you do. If you think you might want to try and patch things up and work the marriage out with her, than seek counseling and have a plan first, but still tell her sooner rather than later.

She's understandably going to feel shocked, hurt, frusterated, and betrayed. This is normal. With time it will get better, if you make proper amends for lying to her all these years.

Lastly, please don't expect that your wife will want to remain living with you and the kids and being your "friend" and "companion" while you go out and sleep with men. Don't even ask that of her, its unfair, and the most dysfunctional situation of all.

Best of Luck to you!

Answer 3

Tough question! You have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life slipping around to satisfy your needs. You need to think about your wife here....is she getting what she deserves in life...a man that really doesn't desire her in bed? Perhaps you should stop, stand back, take a look at the broad picture and see where you fit in. I have been in the same boat, but my ex was a very wise woman. I would not have left her for a gay life, but I had to leave, and she agreed, because I was head over heels for a guy...She would never have had all of me, and that was unfair to her. We worked out the child thing very easily, the kids adjusted just fine. She went on to marry another and is happy enough to this day...no one lives as a "happily ever after" except in fairytales. I have never regretting telling her the truth (it took four years to get to that point, but it had to be put on the table). She took it well enough, gave me a choice..her or him, not both any longer. I did try it with her, but it just could not work for either of us...so we parted as very good friends, even to this day.
In your case, I have no predicted outcome, but what IS important is that you both present a united front to your children...if she tries to ruin you to the kids, there will be serious trouble in their lives down the road. I have seen this far too much in my life. Your being Gay is NOT your fault, I hope you did not marry to hide it. You have to decide if you can be the husband she deserves, and if she can be the mate YOU deserve...nothing in life will ever be a bed of roses, for the problems of anyone being a couple are the same, Gay or Straight. Your living a compound life with deciet to yourself and to her will complicate even the best of relationships to the point that guilt could well make you impotent. Be very careful in what you do, but ... in the long run, whatever you choose MUST be the best coarse...you must decide and then stick to it. Can you really choose her under this scenario??? Good luck and I wish you the very best in life.

Answer 4

Just tell her. Getting married into a hetrosexual relationship despite being a homosexual is EXTREMELY selfish. She deserves to know, NOW. Don't tell her in anger. Make sure the kids aren't around. And APOLOGISE! She wasted many years of her life with you.

I'm not saying that this isn't hard from your end. But, you have a problem and had one many years ago. You're gay and you obviously weren't able to come to terms with yourself or else you wouldn't have married an innocent woman.

Just tell her ASAP and apologise, hopefully she'll forgive you and be cordial throughout the divorce.

Answer 5

My friend, this is one of the most difficult position ANYONE can be in. It's rather difficult to accept yourself as being gay or even might be.

You suspect your wife may not understand or accept the truth for that matter. Sad but true, this may be the case. In my experience, I knew before I married my wife, that I also had this desire (to be in the company of men) I learned that I had to be honest with myself first, before I could ever believe anyone else would understand. I told her prior to our marrying. When it came out later in life (personal reasons, but assuring it was not infidelity) we both knew it would be best for me to return to my gay lifestyle.

When I was willing to accept myself, it became much easier to disclose my orientation to my family, my friends, and of course my colleagues. Again, just know, that whether or not she accepts what you have to tell her, your best bet now is be honest with her just as you have discovered that you can be with yourself.

Just an FYI, I also had to be honest with my children. Though they were young, because after the conversation with my ex-wife, I had to explain to the children, why I was not going to be living with them anymore.

You have a long road ahead of you my friend, and there may be many intersections you may have to cross. Keep your head on your shoulders, and be brave. You can get through this. If it's any comfort, you certainly are not the first to go through this, and you certainly won't be the last.

Good luck.

bga

Answer 6

I think that if you are honest and open with her, she will understand. She married you because she loved you; she had kids with you because she loved you… I think that if you love her enough you should sit her down and communicate your feelings/fears, etc. Yes, she’ll probably want a divorce, but if she’s a good person, and I assume that she is, she’ll understand that no matter what your sexual preference is, your children DESERVE a father. Depending upon their age, I would also talk with them about the situation as well, and even seek family counseling.

Good Luck,
[e-mail]

Answer 7

There are a few of us that had to cross this path once. It is not fun. Be as kind as possible. Don't tell her in anger. Don't tell her when the kids are around. And the sooner the better - it only gets harder to take.

Good luck and if you need anything I am just an e-mail away. Iw oudl be glad to be an ear to your troubles and help any way I could!

Answer 8

she can be mad at you all she wants and you owe it to her to be honest with her. she doesn't have the right to keep you from your kids for being gay or even a poor husband (not that this is true, just including possibilities that an angry wife might see). only if you're a pervert (into kids sexually) or abusive or deadbeat. most of all be honest with her. if you are making the choice to have male companions romantically then she deserves the choice to not be married to you. you also owe it to her for her health and well being. she needs to know. don't be cruel.

Answer 9

well its always fair to tell you wife the true she has the right to know what your sexuallity is and dont you think that she has some kind of idea since maybe you dont make love to her in a passionate way like she is expecting. i say tell her the truth she and you deserve it.

Answer 10

well....ive seen this situation only in the movies....but..i think that if she is your wife...then she should most likely be extremely mad at first.....but i think as time passes she will hopefully try to understand you....being that she doesnt condone homosexuality. I really feel for you in this situation being that you have children in this marriage....thats going to be extremely hard...I hope you wife is a intelligent woman...and will not take away your children because she is upset or doesnt approve of your lifestyle.....i wish you luck.....and whatever you do...PRAY!

Answer 11

You should have told her a long time ago, but should tell her now and try to work out the details in regards to your kids. Maybe in time, she'll be ok, but at first I would think it would be a huge shock.