I don't know what to do my husband had an affair with a young girl from his work for 2 years and he is having a hard time coping with this he is in love with her too (its really hard for me to choke that out) but It's true. We have been together for 10 years and have 2 young boys. We get along very well and there's never fighting with us, so it's hard for me to let us go and he feels the same. The problem... He is having a hard time dealing with his pain of letting go of her. Is there anything he can do that will make it easier for him? He feels like he has lost his best friend.
What is next for us? Can anyone help me with this?
Thanks
2006-11-14 05:13:22 · 18 answers · asked by kehorn 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am happy you all have responded but I feel like he is really legitamate in his feelings for me and I know he wants to be with me. I just wanted to know from some people that have been there and if so, is it at all possible for him to forget about this girl and move on with his life with me?
Do you think he just needs counciling for himself?
And I am not staying with him just because we have children.
And I am not an Idiot. I feel like I am a strong person that knows what I want.
2006-11-14 08:29:35 · update #1
Sometimes the affair starts because the person is lacking something in his/her own life and it is not always about sex !! It seems to me like your husband found a friend in that girl he can share with. Try to fill that void for him, be his confidant. Ask him if he is willing to work on your marriage, for the sake of you two and the happiness of your kids. He has to make a choice.. either to let go of the girl and work on your marriage and on your relationship . or would he be happier getting out of the marriage? This can't be easy for you.. you must be a very brave woman and you have to be very brave to go through the next step with him. Let him reconnect with you and the kids.. let him remember what made him fall in love with you and chose you as his life partner. Best of luck
2006-11-14 06:00:15 · answer #1 · answered by Samantha 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I honestly believe men and women can love more that one mate. But there is problems that develop with that kind of set up. Here are a few:
Are you jellous or is she?
Who is he working for, your and your boys or her?
What will happen to his pension, ss money and inheritance some
day?
Is she expecting a commitment?
If she is young she will want kids too, can you handle this?
Can he support two families?
I would never allow this not even if I loved the man. Why should he have a mistress? And not you? You dont need fighting in your relationship for it to be BAD. It can not be good if he also loves someone else, it is like having your cake and your pie at the same time (causes indigestion). Something has to give and in the long run he may dump you for her because she will eventually want the marriage thing and the kids. This is a dead end street. No one wins. He wins now because he gets the love of two women but in the end he loses as he will have to give up one or may lose both.
Polygamy works only for servant women. Women who are desperate for a man and is willing to share for their religious beliefs. This is not the case here.
Sorry, but I would give him the ultamatim and mean it. I know you dont want to lose the father of your kids but look at it this way.
When you are 50 or 60 and the kids are grown, what do you have? Your husband has two relationships and will share his money, hopefully equally. Does he have a great job and lots of money to share many ways? You have no security here. And in time you will learn to hate him. So why not get rid of this selfish man now so that you can still have a good life ahead. You are still young and can find someone who LOVES only you.
Good Luck
2006-11-14 13:27:08 · answer #2 · answered by Nevada Pokerqueen 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I find it hard to believe that you allow this. He is having a hard time... oh please!!! You have let him think that this is ok and you understand what he is going through. That's just bull. He can't be trusted. Maybe she let go of him since he wouldn't leave you and not the other way around. He feels like he lost his best friend??? You were his best friend and he chose to ignore that and start having an affair with someone else. Please wake up and stop feeling sorry for him and boot him out. Do your feelings mean anything to him? Did he care about you when he started this affiar? Does he care how much you are hurting over this..or just himself? I think you need to ask YOURSELF these questions as you don't seem to matter to him at all.
2006-11-14 13:24:10 · answer #3 · answered by notfreeinnh 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think I would have a really hard time asking someone for help for my cheating husband. It is obvious that you truly love him. I think though that you should be more worried about your feelings. You should be his best friend, not the mistress. I think maybe you should ask the same question for yourself. Then ask him how he could still be discussing this with you knowing how much it is breaking your heart.
2006-11-14 13:18:03 · answer #4 · answered by Kerri E 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
kick him to the curb, i too was caught cheating but i realized what i had at home and had no problem letting go of that girl who almost ruined my life, luckily my wife took me back and now i am trying to regain her faith in me which as much as she forgives it is hard for her to forget. I just wanted to escape the rough realities at home but really the reality is that i had a wonderful wife at home who deserves to be treated as a queen, and just as you are a queen and your husband if he loves you will treat you like one how you deserve to be. in marriage a spouse should be the others best friend making life fun so in the end both can say that "we did it!" please as a guy who can feel for your husband i also feel for you and if he loved you as much as he says he does there would be no grief of letting go of this mistress and would do anything to prove his love to you, it will only get worse if he dosent and you hold on to him. good luck and stay strong for yourself and your boys
2006-11-14 13:40:30 · answer #5 · answered by ima_aso 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You really care that is having a hard time, he committed adultery on and you feel sorry for him. I would laugh in his face while I was packing his bag getting him on the road to somewhere. How can you feel sorry for him, kick sorry trifling but out that door. Your the one that needs help not him. WOW I've heard Of it all now
2006-11-14 13:28:13 · answer #6 · answered by Nicki 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Um...What? You want to help your husband say goodbye to his mistress? You're willing to assist in him getting over his fidelity? You're either very strong or the dumbest woman in the world.
I guess just start counseling. Him by himself, you by yourself and then both of you together. Good Luck.
2006-11-14 13:19:32 · answer #7 · answered by Dr. Kat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs a new job and you 2 need counseling. If it is something that you can truly work out, then counseling will help. But noth sides have to want to work it out. Good Luck.
2006-11-14 13:17:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow! You are willing to forgive him? Not because of the children, I hope. I am not here to judge, but what makes you think he will ever get over her? Even if he did get help? I say dump the loser.
2006-11-14 13:18:17 · answer #9 · answered by busymomof4 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well he has to decide its simple....you or her.....he cant have both unless you to can come to some kind of agreement.but that would be wierd and uncomfertable to you i'm sure........He should have decided that he wanted you before he had children with you and not some other girl.......I to had an affair on my wife and felt terrible after words....I felt like I not only hurt my wife but my kids also.....I love my wife and couldnt do it again.....
2006-11-14 13:18:23 · answer #10 · answered by tknallurchps 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋