My husband and I have been together for 13 years married for 3. He sleeps on the couch and we haven't been intimate for 7 months now. He always says his stomach hurts or he has a headache. Everyday he does what he calls a "deady" on my butt and it hurts really bad like a whip. I have asked him to stop but he says that is his way of showing me he loves me. We have 2 small children and it seems we fight all of the time. And it is not fair for the children to have to go through this because I did when I was little. I know he had a pornography problem in the past but haven't found anything in the last couple of months. He barely helps with the finances. And his best friend is over every night there might go one night in between. He calls me a B**** all of the time even when I am not saying or doing anything. My family says I should leave because from what they understand he is emotionally and physically abusive and he neglects me and my sexual needs. He says he's teasing me when he deadys.
2006-11-14 05:11:41 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The final answer to your question can only be answered by you. Based on what you describe, I can not imagine why you would commit yourself to a life unfulfilled.
Maintaining a poor marriage "for the children" is not a positive thing for them. They see and feel the dynamic between you two even if you try and hide it as best you can. I'm sure you want to give you kids the best possible example of what a good relationship is and not ultimately have them judge their own using mom and dads bad marriage as a baseline.
His addiction to porn and his non-participation in an intimate relationship with you is in no way acceptable and in fact is demeaning to you---as it would be if the roles were reversed. The fact that this is combined with no emotional relationship with you and limited financial support would seem to indicate that you should consider a divorce---or at the very least counseling for both of you. If he refuses that, I would say he made your choice for you.
Life is too short, for you and your kids. Don't waste it away trying to fight a losing battle and counting on someone else to create your happiness---be strong.
2006-11-14 05:21:19 · answer #1 · answered by Ceroulious 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't walk run the other way . He is abusing you verbal, mental and physcially. It will not get better. Get a recorder and tape him deady you . Set up a video camero to show the abuse. Stop being the victim , stand up for yourself. Seek help outside the home at a shelter if needed Your children do not to see this stuff
You are to be loved and respected. Which you are not gettin either. He is sick.
2006-11-14 13:43:39 · answer #2 · answered by springer 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't see once in your question where you say you love him. I would have a hard time living under your circumstances and I probably would leave him. There are plenty of daisey's in the field- why waste your life being abused and neglected let alone having your children bare witness to it. there is more to a marriage then saying I love you. the words don't mean anything if he doesn't show you in other ways that 2 people who share a mutual feeling and respect do. And he hardly works !! Boot him out and tell him to go hang out at his friends house. Put your big girl panties on and stand up for yourself and kids.
2006-11-14 13:23:00 · answer #3 · answered by justme 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's time to make a change... you don’t want your children to grow up thinking any of the behavior they see is acceptable or normal. And don’t say you are staying for the children…I really believe that is the worst reason to stay, it only makes it hard on the kids when they think everything is great with mommy and daddy and then one day you up and get divorced. If you really feel you need to do it while your kids are still young and you can help them get through this. Family counseling my still be an option no matter what.
2006-11-14 13:21:19 · answer #4 · answered by anya_8884 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, I don't know what a deady is. Regardless, is this how you want your children to act in their relationships because you're teaching them that it is. It's time that you take a long look at yourself and decide if your self respect is worth anything. As I read your question I said over and over to myself, "why is she still with him?". You need to get out, now.
2006-11-14 13:18:18 · answer #5 · answered by i have no idea 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm really in no position to give you advice, but for your sake, you might want to consider leaving. First of all, him calling you a b*tch is uncalled for. I have never called my woman or any other woman a b*tch nor put my hands on her physically. Second, you two have no sex life and if he's not willing to help you or make an attempt, then what is he there for. Just because you've been together for so long, doesn't mean you can't start over and be happy. Why stay and be miserable? Kids can really sense this. For your safety and the children's safety, get out before it gets worse.
2006-11-14 13:17:49 · answer #6 · answered by DJ 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
It seems to me that you already know what to do, just by you asking if you should get a divorce is a sign. Its going to be really hard. I know first hand. You have to do whats best for the kids. Do you want your kids to know its okay for women to be called B*tch? You have to do whats best for the children, they didnt ask to be born and certainly did not ask to brought up in an abusive family setting. If you dont want to be with him anymore then be strong. Your kids will see that there mommy was a strong woman who put her kids first before there abusive father. I wish you the best of luck and hang in there. Things happen for a reason.
2006-11-14 13:25:02 · answer #7 · answered by mperezwp 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I still want to know what a deady is. Get out girl on and on with your life.
2006-11-14 16:05:53 · answer #8 · answered by Patrick B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like he doesn't like you very much. If I was paying most of the bills I think I could take care of myself. Get out while you can. That deady thing sounds really disturbed.
2006-11-14 13:15:24 · answer #9 · answered by SheRa 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My advice is the same as that of your family's: leave him.
The sooner you do it, the better.
He is obviously using you or rather abusing you sexually and you shouldn't tolerate that.
It doesn't look like counselling will work . I think you'll be a happier person without him.
Divorce is not an easy thing but in this instance , it's the lesser of two evils, I think.
2006-11-14 13:21:04 · answer #10 · answered by Toshihiro 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋