Now what....?

Question

OK...so I will be officially moved out this weekend. Ty for the opinions. Me & my 2 kids will be living alone & braving the world. I am thinking that it would be a wise idea to go ahead & put the tree up so that they will not notice all that is happening.(the seperation & divorce) But, as I mentioned before..there is the other guy that I fell in love with through all this madness with my crappy hubby. What for christmas for him & his 15 year old daughter, 11 & 8 year old sons? Should I do Thanksgiving with them....Or just Christmas? How do I do this & remain gracefull? How do I divide the time with the ex? He keeps begging me to work it out...all I want is a divorce. UGH!!! I need your help big time....? I just want to get on with my life & regain my identity. BTW...the other guy is not a rebound....I have been in a 7 year non-relationship marriage with all the trimmings...physical & verbal abuse, cheating, porn, no attention for me or the kids....etc....PLZ HELP!

Answer 1

Ok...you're trying to deal with too many issues at once. If you look at your situation one bite at a time it should much easier.

Let's start with your soon to be ex-husband. If he wants time with your (his and yours) children over the holidays, don't hesitate to work out times that are good for everyone, including the children. Asking them to think about what they want will help you time yourself. Whatever he may want from you from your past (I'm saying past because once one person says it's over, then it is), is his own issue to deal with. There's nothing you can do about that. Standing strong in your position is the only way you can address him. But you have to let go of the relationship and the things that happened just the same. If you're still bringing up what he did, you're not letting it be over, unless, you're using it to teach yourself not to accept that behavior in the future.

Now, the current boyfriend: When it comes to the holidays, you have to let him know how large a factor you children are in making your decisions. Just because you care for him and the holidays are coming, doesn't mean that you turn your gratitude into guilt. It's good for you to remember that this man is not your husband, so work hard to against comparing him and your soon to be ex. As he (your current boyfriend) has children as well, it's important to consider them in the decision making process.

Finally, dealing with you: It seems you want to think that you're coming to the end of your unhappiness, but you are still making excuses for your situation. Rebound or not, the man in your life is your choice. This is something you have to live with. The choices you make help build your identity. What happens will have their impressions on you. If you feel you lost yourself with your soon to be ex, you might find it hard to build into the person you want to be, if you have to make accommodations for someone else. Be careful not to build your life around someone new because you need comfort. Oh, it might be healthier to not attribute your soon to be ex's behavior with his character. He has the chance to be a good person who had no idea what marriage is for, like so many people. If he's begging you to work it out as you say, he may not understand the balance that's involved. Looking at him negatively will reflect on your children.

As for your décor: If you are a family to always have all the trimmings for the holidays, there's no reason to change. No matter what you do your children are going to notice the difference in their lives every day. What's important is that their lives are changing for the better. If they are more comfortable and feel safer they will feel better and adapt well.

Finally, a personal note: You might want to consider therapy, not just for your self but for all those involved. If you were in a car accident and had an injury you would be expected to take the time to work to adapt to what has happened and the loss you feel. This is the same. Therapy will promote positive expression and growth.

Answer 2

Rise above! Remain calm and set a real plan of action.
Lets' get through the holidays first- take the kids and get out-be it outside the house or just to the mall. Focus on them.

Starting NOW- Stop the drama! Its about the kids~

Most churches and larger cities have programs that need volunteers to work for the season. Giving to others will help them heal. It will help YOU refocus on what kind of life you want for the three of you. Put men behind you till you get some professional help to become a healthy person in a relationship.

GO NOW! Get into a program and have the kids help you.
They do food banks, wrap gifts and so on.. Get them in the christmas pagent...what ever... make it about them!

Why? this will distract the kids and help them find some stability while you are sorting out your life.

All the children get gifts, no matter their "blood kin". They are considered family, so keep them as such. Divorce is hard enough. Don't compete or fight. The law will handle that for you.


Love or not! Technically the other man is "still" the other man and "affair" untill you are divorced. Do not put your children between those two men. That is not a good idea. That man can "in effect" loose your children in the "battle to come" The divorce! I would sit him down and talk about it. If "he is mr right" and he has gone through it before then he knows the "rules of play." He will silently stay out of the picture, until the war is over.
.
YOUR CHILDREN NEED YOU> so redirect that energy for the higher good. Their entire world is crashing down, you at least know what the outcome is going to be. They don't have a clue.

Best wishes

Answer 3

By all means keep a normal & happy environment for your children. They will look back years later when they are grown & facing their own problems to making right decisions & will use examples that were the best.
I think you should wait & let the guy from your 7 year relationship do the inviting & getting together for the holidays. You will see in truth how he actually feels about you,your now independent life with your 2 children.
You now have 2 children that should be your main concern. If a tree being put up before Thanksgiving would make them happy-do it. I would prefer my little ones to go thru the Thanksgiving Holidays first before jumping into Christmas. Take care of things one day at a time as they approach.

Best of Luck to you with your new life

Answer 4

For starters, I think it's good that you are asking yourself these questions. Most people would go ahead and do whatever they feel like doing. A few years ago I got out of a relationship like the one you had with your ex and I also jumped into a new relationship. I am still with the same man almost 5 years now but I regret not giving myself some space before getting serious again. For your kids sake and his kids it is important to get your head on straight before going too far into the relationship. Because of my ex, I still have problems trying to make my own decisions and I find it really hard to trust anyone. All that baggage needs to go before it eats you alive. I have been civil with my ex since we separated (because we have a child) but I still hold anger over the things he did and question his intentions. So the best advice I can give you is, do whatever is gonna make you happy but make sure your children stay involved and don't get hurt. I am sure you and your children have been through enough, always think of what is best and keep your head up girl!

Answer 5

If it were me - I think that i would have a Christmas alone with my kids. They need time to adjust not having their father and for them to reconsider their view of what a family is. When I was newly divorced and had three young kids to raise - it was a hard hard first Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is really important that you keep your spirits up for your kids. Make THEM be the special ones and let them get ALL of your attention those days. Even if it's just you and them - you are a FAMILY. Help them get thru this rough time. And it will help you find out who you are as well. Best of luck to you!!

Answer 6

I would set up house and spend quality time with your kids--they need you in their life, not you and your new boyfriend and his kids. They just need your time and attention. Do Thanksgiving as a family or gather together with your extended family. There is always the day after for friends/boyfriends. Don't be too eager to merge the 2 families, because your children need some time to adjust. Be civil to your ex as he is your kids' father. If he wants some time with the kids, let him see them. Less hostility between the 2 of you the better (for the kids.) Don't bad mouth him in front of your kids, just say you are better off now.

Answer 7

First.....Good for you !!!..for finging the strength to move out..I know its harder than most people think.....
Now..as far as the other things......I think the first people you should consider are the kids....especailly yours......This may be harder than you think for them right now......and bringing another man into the picture this soon..may really confuse them. If it were me....and I would never tell you what to do...this is just my opinion.....I would just go out to dinner with this man you fell in love with...and spend both holidays with my kids. They need time to adjust to a new life before they have to learn to accept someone new in their lives. I know its been a long time for you to feel that closness and love...but please for their sake....take it slow...That doesnt mean you cant all do something.....like a movie with all the kids...something simple......Or even taking them out for a dinner.
Now as far as the kids dad..he is their father..and does deserve to see them at this time too..I would set aside a day for him to come and get them...or eve let them go with him for christmas eve..then use that day to do something with the man you love. As hard as it is to remain on a talking basis with your ex...you need to for the kids......they will need some help getting through this....
I hope everything works out for you..just take it a day at a time and have faith....Good Luck !!!!

Answer 8

OMG, You're hurting, big time, girl!?

Relax.

So, you goofed up, so what?

Everybody does that.

To err is human.

Now try to cool down and see what is happening to you.

Try to see what you can do with your future.

Like the say, the Past is History and Future is what you make of it; that's why the Present is God's Gift to you!?

Answer 9

Play it by ear.Have Thanksgiving with your new extended family,
and dicuss future plans with him.Remember the ex is still Dad to your kids,and has some rights as well,and please don`t forget the Grandparents.