BIG Problem?

Question

Is anyone in a relationship with a guy that has kids? The problem is his kids have no respect for him or me. My partner always defends them and will say they are only kids and that those are the things that kids do. He has 4 kids ranging in ages from 21,19, 15, and 13. The 2 oldest have been arrested more than once within 3 years, the 2 youngest are at our house every other weekend and they have no respect for our house, and they feel as though they can do whatever they want, and he allows it to happen and if I say something to him about it, it turns into a big fight. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Answer 1

Oh boy.... the four of us should get together and compare notes! My kids are a bit younger than you and your partner's kids. However, the respect issue is all the same. I battle daily with my 11 yr old over her smart mouth and nasty attitude. Because she was older when my partner came onto the scene I'm basically carrying the full parenting load with her and it's not an easy job at times. My partner has been in my 3 yr old's life since he was 15 months old. He looks to her as a parent and will honestly act more behaved when she is around than he does for me. She has a very authoratative demeanor with him where as he's my "wittle bitty baby boy" and I'm the one to bend a little more on the discipline side. When kids are older like you and your partner's kids...it's definately a challenge. I think biological parents are always going to be a bit defensive when it concerns the kids. I am and it has nothing to do with whether my partner is right or wrong. It's simply the mother instinct in me. Many, many times I know that my partner is absolutely RIGHT when it concerns some corrective issues and I have to fight to hold my tongue because my parenting instincts kick in and I want to protect. Anyway....is there anyway that you both can sit down and discuss things rationally and agree to set down some reasonable ground rules for the two youngest? Something that you BOTH agree on. There may have to be some give and take on both parts. Pick your battles! I think the biggest issues need to be tackled first...obviously. The little stuff will fall into place. Good luck, sweetheart. I know how frustrating this can be! All too well!!!

Answer 2

WOW, this seems like a typical teenager problem. I do not know how long you have been with your partner. This does not seem like a problem though which has happened over night. This is one that has taken some time to develop, and is one which can not be solved over night by reading this or any other posting.

The first thing is to find where the defiance began and why it has progressed so badly so fast.

If I were a guessing man, I would say that maybe the fact their father is gay has something to do with it. I think they may have some resentment deep down inside for what has happened in the past.

I think the father and the children need to sit and talk, either at home, or with a NON PARTIAL third party such as a Dr. Phil out there. Anger and rage can lead to defiance.

And I assume the mother has had something to do with it. Again the anger shows up in this equation.

Other than sitting and talking about it and letting them know how each feels, I really do not know a simple solution.

Answer 3

Nothing pleasant, sorry. Your partner lost the parenting battle a long time ago and the oldest ones' are now adults and the younger have had them for role models.

Parenting is about rules and consistency. I don't believe he really wants to do that, otherwise he would have fixed this problem years ago. What you can do is decide what you want in life. Set the rules with him, tell him that you cannot live like this, and if he cannot stick to them and make the kids be responsible for their actions, then you have got to move on. He's dealing with some deep seated guilt and is obviously afraid to be a father.

The oldest ones are a wash, but you don't have to deal with them all that much is they aren't coming over every other weekend. Get some counseling for the younger ones. These kids are in pain, and they need help now.

Answer 4

Big Issues.........Kids..........I know I had two I raised and my partner had one he raised.........we broke up after 8 years, and a lot of the issue was his 30+ yr old daughter lived with us in an apartment we had and controlled him beyond belief!

The kids your dealing with know what they do and you may never get your partner to put you first, and the kids second through fifth place and lower.
Your issues with them and your desire to gain some control in your home will not be heard as loudly as his alignment with his kids. The sad part is the two youngest arent even young but blood is thicker then water pal and I'm sorry to say you are just water in this case.
Can you not be around when they are there, if so tell him that you will no longer be home on the weekends the kids come. Since your needs, desires and boundries are not being respected never mind even considered that you will not be home until after the "kids" have left and gone home.
That way he can have his life with his kids the way he wants it and only he will be responsible for it and them.
That is how he is forcing it now so therefore he can have the whole thing on his own.
In the event he finds he doesnt like this set up then he can talk to you about it with whatever boundries he is thinking of setting at that time.
Either that or make sure you are not around as much as possible while the kids are there, that way you are holding them accountable and responsible (dad included) for their own actions and behaviors. And do not bail them out of it.

Stick to it and see what happens.

Oh and when you are their with your partner and the kids are not just be normal and try and work on your relationship.........minus the kids...........do not disuss the kids with him, do not get involved with the kids, do not react to anything with the kids, it is like the kids are GONE.........to you since you will not be around them............let him have them and see how long it is before things change.

I tend to think you are enabling him and the kids so with you gone you may see some changes.

Good Luck

Answer 5

You know as much as it upsets you and your partner, the kids would also be going through a rough trot. I dont know how long you two have been in your relationship, but they have had to also go through their parents seperating, crap being put on them from peers and most likely other family members. Have you ever thought of sitting down with the kids and getting straight to the point. Ask them why do they act the way they do, do they have anything they want to say as well as you both having your point of view as well.
I mean as hard as it is you can try to make it better, to be together you obvioulsy care about each other, but you have decided to come into an already made family and yeh it has changed now and he is with you but baggage does come with most relationships, so i'd suggest sitting down, all of you and talking about all the issues you have, regardless how daunting it may seem. Good Luck, i do truly hope it works out for you all.

Answer 6

I think that your partner feels guilty in some way or another. The kids might act out because of their mother's lies, or the fact they are trying to get use to their dad being gay still. It might be that they are going through a rebellious phase. I think that you need to go to family counseling, or have a long talk with your partner about his kids. Remember, do not try to step in and discipline his kids, that just leads to more problem.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

Simple, family counseling. I have been in this situation and my partner had to come to the understanding, I also must have an opinion or the choice to leave...

Answer 9

If he won't discipline them and defends/fights with you about it, there isn't but one thing you can do. Get out of the situation.

Answer 10

That's a tough problem, that's for sure!

Am not in a relationship with a guy, but I was with another woman who (at the time) had 3 young adult daughters already living on their own, while I had 3 sons - 1 living on his own and the other two were nearly young adults, living with us.

The main problem we had concerning our kids was that my partner and I didn't agree on several things concerning the raising of kids. We finally had to agree to disagree on those areas, because otherwise it just led to arguments. I raised my sons alone since they were little (for 14 years at that time, my youngest was 16), and I wasn't going to let her come along and start telling them what to do. It was my place to reprimand them, to be sure that they were respectful of her, etc. It was not her place to scold them or put her values onto them as a parent, cuz she wasn't their parent. Just as it was not my place to reprimand her daughters when 2 of them stayed with us for awhile. The only thing my partner and I could do was for me to let her deal with her daughters while she let me deal with my sons. Any variance from that only led to arguments between her and I.

So for you and your partner, and his kids, I can only suggest what helped my partner and I, and our own kids. Let him deal with his kids. Unless you helped to raise them from childhood, it will probably not work too well for you to step in now and try to parent and teach them what is right and wrong. The fact that they are disrespectful is a big problem. The fact that your partner always defends them and doesn't seem to see their disrespect as wrong is an even bigger problem. And yep the fact that if you say something to him about it and it turns into a big fight is the biggest problem of all.

Have you tried talking with your partner about this when the kids aren't there? All his kids needed to have learned to be respectful long before now, they could all be set in their ways, but esp. the older ones. Your partner could be feeling dang frustrated at their disrespect and not knowing at this point how to change that. Any comment from you about his kids behaviour may only make him feel defensive, even if deep down he agrees with you. In a weird way, someone else who isn't a parent pointing out misbehavior in someone's kids, point to the lack of good parenting skills that person has or has had in the past. Sooo defense is the first thing that occurs.

I suppose the only thing you can do is to talk with your partner about it, when he is relaxed and in a good enuff mood. And then start the convo out by pointing out anything good about his kids. And steer the convo toward how does he feel about how his kids act when they come over. Tell him after that how you feel, and stay with your feelings. Tell him what you'd like for him to do, to stand up for your rights with his kids, cuz it would be awkward for you to do that with them. If your partner still gets angry at hearing you say your feelings, without trying to make him defensive, then wait til he calms back down and tell him this is a situ that the two of you really need to be able to talk about without fighting.

If that won't work I suggest the two of you talking with a counselor who can help the two of you communicate better thru this situ. Better that than you just going along with the disrespect, stuffing your feelings cuz you don't want a fight, or maybe even getting to the point of breaking up cuz of fighting over his kids. Right?

PS... A thought occurred to me, do you know how his kids feel about the two of you being together? If they are totally understanding of it, then that's not the reason for their disrespect. But if they don't understand it, or are not happy with their dad about it, maybe that's one reason for their disrespect. Maybe that's another thing you can talk with your partner about, how his kids feel about the two of you. His talking with them about their feelings might help. Maybe (if he hasn't already talked with them) they could tell him why they are acting this way? Could be they just don't want to see their dad with anyone else, no matter who the other person is. My oldest son felt that way when he was little, cuz as I found out, he wanted me and his dad to get back together. When I finally got him to believe that wasn't gonna happen no way no how, he started acting nicer to the rest of the world.

Myst