Should one sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of their child?

Question

I am still thinking of returning to my ex-husband whom I divorced three years ago because my teenage daughter who is 14 lives with him.

I am so confused about whether I should focus on my own life or just give up myself for her. She is suffering because my ex does not help her with schoolwork or afterschool activities and she lives 3000 miles away from me.

I can not concentrate on my life here. I started a new job here, yet I am constantly thinking about the fact that I should not be here but be with my child.

I am looking into working a seasonal job for Christmas to keep busy and earn some money, but is that the right thing to do?

I have made several promises to my ex that I would return but do not because I see his abusive controlling ways continuing. I read my notes of when I was in the house and how bad it was and feel horrible also.

How do I get over this guilt feeling and do the "right" thing?

Answer 1

. You do not have to return to you ex to live closer to your daughter. Try to find a job near where she lives and see her often. Let the connection between the two of you develop. Have her come over to your place for help with her homework.
. If you left your ex for good reasons, then there are good reasons not to reunite. If you are unsure whether you should have left him, if you have doubts about your motivations, then you should get a lot of advice from an objective counselor to explore your feelings and motives before you take the risk of repeating an earlier mistake.
. I believe parents should make every REASONABLE effort to work things out and stay together for the sake of the kids. But once a divorce has happened, I suspect that it going back and forth on the relationship could be more harmful to the child than remaining apart. Do not go back to your ex unless you are have taken the steps to determine whether the two of you can have a positive relationship.

Answer 2

It does depend a little. Did you feel as though your life was truely in danger? Or was he just so controlling that it drove you nuts? From personnal experience... I would go back, honestly. Kids, no matter what age can not wrap their minds around a divorce. They haven't been in your shoes, therefore they don't understand. You only have a few years to put up with it. I am a firm believer in the whole 'you made your bed' cliche. I don't have the perfect marriage either and sometimes feel like just running for the door. But I have witnessed the damage that it does first hand. My sis left her kids with her ex and was completely selfish.. she went to start her new life, to find herself. Her boys quit talking to her a few years back and now she is missing out on grandkids as well. They don't view the divorce as she did. And... the one son has followed right in her tracks. He left his wife with his kids to go 'be himself'. Guess what.. kids are at the very least an 18yr commitment. You have to provide stability of both parents for her. She needs you. People can give all the politically 'right' answers, but reality is that she is your responsiblility too. And you tell the dad you may return, so you have to know that your daughter is waiting for that so her life can resume as normal. Lay ground rules with hubby before returning and get out there with your baby girl!
Good Luck and God Bless. My nephews are really messed up over what they see is their mom's selfishness. And they are adults now and still hate her!

Answer 3

There is no need for you to return to an abusive relationship at all. Certainly your daughter would probably miss her mom immensely but she has learned how to live with it for over 3 years now and so has by now probably adjusted quite nicely thank you very much. You do not state reason is with father but that must be another story. Hopefully you contact or are able and allowed to contact this young girl as often as feasible. History does indeed repeat itself and so why put your own life in peril by moving back with your ex, it actually doesn't make any sense at all in my opinion. Bets of luck to you and continue to search for solitude and happiness.

Answer 4

it would be a good idea to follow your conscience and instincts but you do not have to go back per say to him just be there for your daughter, you could relocate closer, get a job near them, and be there after school or your daughter could come over after school, there are many arrangements that can be made where you are there for her and still have your peace of mind not being involved in the controlling ,abusive relationship, think about it a little longer and ask God for some guidance, I think you are on the right track though.

Answer 5

So long as you can be available to parent your child without being abused yourself (or, if it is verbal abuse only, you must decide how much you can tolerate), you should definitely consider sacrificing your own happiness for the few years left until your child is an adult. This period will only happen once--you will never get another chance to parent your teenager. Then you can focus more on your own needs.

Answer 6

If you plan on putting yourself into a relationship with someone that is abusive and controlling... NO... you need to stay where you're at...
What good is it goin to do for your child if you go out there... and he starts making you miserable... I wouldn't subject my child to a hostile environment... neither should you...
If she sees you in a relationship like that... it's possible she can get the idea that those relationships are O.K. to have...
Sometimes the healthiest decisions to make for you're child really are quite obvious...

Answer 7

First, why is your daughter living with him? You should not have to choose between your own life, and that of your daughter's. If he is as controlling as you say he is, of course you should not return. You need to find a way to have your daughter live with you, or at least spend school time with you....I'm not sure how to continue to answer this question, because you did not explain why she lives there.... Was that her choice, was it his, or was it yours??? And why was the choice to have her live there?

Answer 8

I don't know your situation, but is it possible to move closer to your ex? Maybe if you lived in the same city or neighborhood you could be able to do more things with your daughter. I understand your desire to do what is best for your child, but you won't do her right by making yourself miserable. Good luck to you.

Answer 9

I don't believe in right or wrong, but I would say the key to happiness is taking responsibility for YOURSELF. That means not giving up yourself for anyone else, including your kids. But, and this is often the case, if that's the only way you can find happiness, then do that.

Answer 10

OOG are u me? u could move closer so that you are near your child with out being in a relationship with your ex. Remember happy mom hapy child. Move closer to your baby so you can be there for her. Leave the ex alone.