if a woman is 30-40 yrs and does not want to have sex or even sleep next to her husband what should he do?

Question

my brother's wife hates sex. she does not like if he touches her and does not even sleep next to him. she does not want to get councelling she says nothing is wrong with her.

Answer 1

Before I start giving my opinion, I'd like to remind you & everyone else involved that no one can 'tell' anyone else what they should do. Yes, we can give our whole-hearted honest opinions, but, there's 2 sides to every story & very seldom do those sides bear any resemblances. Ok...now for my sound off. By the way, sorry everybody, this is just my view! I decided to read the answers you've already received & I was utterly shocked! I obviously cannot conform to change & I truly don't think I would want to. Most of you guys out there answering these questions were so nonchalantly shrugging off the vows this couple made before their friends, family, but even more importantly, God. Yes, this situation may sound odd to most, but, I have similar feelings toward intimacy as with this wife. All of you saying 'leave her' dump her' ' find somebody else', are you all familiar with 'for better or worse' or maybe 'through sickness and in health'?? More times than not the lack of desire is an illness. It is for me. I WANT to want my husband, but, my depression, illnesses, & even some of the meds I take have effects on all aspects of our daily lives. Please, don't be so quick to judge either of them. And, please, please don't accuse her of infidelity, 'cause if you haven't been there, you have no idea. I want no other man than my husband, he's my own personal superman, but, when it comes to intimacy, sometimes I have to literally make myself please him. As one person said, yes, this is her duty as a wife, in my opinion, but, sometimes, even with that in mind, more times than not, it still isn't enough to get me motivated. And, as far as her saying 'theres nothing wrong' with her is normal. No one wants to have an illness, physically, mentally, or whatever. And, maybe she's thinking if she just gives herself time, she'll feel better on her own. I know I felt that way. I sure as heck didn't want anyone to think I had intimacy problems, so, therefore, I ignored them. Only until my husband gave me the ultimatum to either get help so we could enjoy our life & marriage, or he would leave me and I would become a bitter, lonely woman, that I admitted I had a problem. It was his love & patience that led me to seek help. I may be completely way off base here, but, judge not lest ye be judged. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes so you know where they've been. Give her the benefit of the doubt & just pray for this family. This is one of the hardest situations a marriage will ever have to go through. I pray they hold on to their love for each other and learn & grow even closer throughout this trial they're going through. I'll talk to my Father for your family tonight...

Answer 2

This is more common than a lot of couples would admit. I suppose that if you don't have a sex drive, you don't automatically conclude that there is something wrong with you. After all, no one ever died from celibacy.

But, there may be something organically wrong with the woman that she is not aware of. Her endocrine system could be out of whack. She may have thyroid or pituatary gland problems, for instance. If she doesn't want to be touched, she could have other imbalances in the chemical make up of her body that cause revulsion. It may be something that she can't help.

It's not likely that she will seek help on her own. If the husband actually leaves her for a while, she may see that she is going to face a lonely life unless she finds out why she is so repulsed by physical intimacy. On the other hand, she may find that she prefers to live alone. Either way, the husband has got to make the first and determined move. Otherwise, nothing will change. He deserves to have this situation resolved one way or the other.

Answer 3

Obviously, there is a problem. It is either emotional, psychological or physical. Perhaps there is trust issue, such as previous infidelity in another relationship, or she may be concerned with her body image. If she has had children recently, it may be that, plus an hormonal imbalance. It might even be related to post-partum depression.
She may not feel comfortable discussing this with her husband....or perhaps the shoe's on the other foot. Maybe he has changed physically or emotionally towards her somehow. Women will generally not feel sexually attracted to people they are angry at. Ask your brother to honestly review their relationship out of bed and see if there is anything he can do to improve it. Also, tell him not to think that the slightest touch from her may mean he's getting lucky that night. Take it slow, almost like dating, and see if that helps.

Answer 4

This seems really weird to me. How long have they been married? Has your sister-in-law always been this way ? I'm guessing not or surely he would not have married her in the first place. Perhaps there is something your brother is not telling you. It is certainly not normal at any age. I hate sleeping on my own and l am in my forties and l also enjoy sex all the time. I would suggest that your brother tell her exactly how he feels and if she is not willing to atleast compromise, leave her !!! There are plenty of other women out there that would love to be with him.There is definately something wrong with her.

Answer 5

Well if she refuses councelling then if I was him I would seperate and think of what is important. I cannot see cheating whatsoever but she is asking for it if she is not connecting with her husband. Men have needs and that is a biggie when it comes to men. She is being rather stupid if you ask me. There are so many other women out there that will take the opportunity to go for your brother.

Answer 6

Sounds to me there is a very deep seated resentment toward your brother, but why? that is the million dollar question. In a marriage, it takes two to tango, so I would not blame only her as the sole culprit of this problem. Too bad she refuses counseling, but maybe he should go alone, that way he could talk to somebody, who could shine a light to what is happening in their marriage. If everything checks out all right with him, then it is time to let go, grow old somewhere else and maybe with time, he could find a compatible person for him.

Answer 7

Not unusual but not a good thing either. I know some guys who don't like to have sex with their wives and vice versa. Also, A person has no complaints if the spouse plays elsewhere because they are refused at home.

Answer 8

she needs to get help, perhaps it's a hormonal thing, or maybe she doesn't feel emotionally safe in the marriage. she is mostlikely depressed and he needs to talk to her and tell her how much this hurts him, not in a confrontental or sarcastic way, not in an accusing manor, but with love and kindness. there is probroly some issues besides sex going on within the marraige. needs to resolve whatever problems they have first.

Answer 9

get councelling! i just started im in the exact situation except we have our own rooms. been married 13 years,she has never liked sex and always wanted the bed to herself! Its very frustating but im there for my two daughters.

Answer 10

soooo, your brother told you this? OK... that's kinda weird... he must be really in a bad situation... poor guy... how can anyone not wanna have sex? there is something wrong with her... she's missing a sex chip... he should try go on a romantic weekend getaway or on a romantic date and remember the old times when all they wanted to do is to touch each other and have sex... so, he should make her feel sexy, attractive and beautiful... tell him to be romantic...