How to forgive?

Question

I love my husband with all of my heart. We have been married 8 months, and together for 3.3 years. However, there was a lot of drama at the beginning of our relationship, and due to the fact that his ex wife had a kid that wasn't his, when i got pregnant his parents requested a DNA test of my child. I got the test to show my husband how much I loved him (and to show i had nothing to hide), however as a result I feel some resentment against him and his parents. I feel like his parents judged me before they even really had a chance to get to know me, and i felt like he should have put his foot down, and told them we were not going to get the test.

other than this we have a great relationship. i am a stay at home mom, we have a wonderful home and two children. i just want to let go of these feelings that i have and get over it all.

the worst part is i told him i was over it all, and part of me is, but part of me isn't, HELP!

Answer 1

You know , you are right..You proved yourself! Now they all look stuiped for thinking that the kids was not his! So, you won!!! Is that not enough of a hidden reason to forget it? They should never question you again about anything!
But where you start to forgive is to be forgiven! Go into your room, have a long talk with Jesus and get your forgiveness! Through the love of Christ you also will have a new start!
Good Luck and Be Blessed..
Rev.Susan

Answer 2

First of all, your issue is not just with your husband, but with his parents.

Remember the drama that occurred at the beginning of your relationship, and if you contributed in any (negative way), acknowledge that to yourself. Decide to try not to repeat those behaviours, and forgive yourself for it.

You could in a non-confrontational way just tell your in-laws (separately or together) that you were hurt by the fact that they didn't trust you. Try to be prepared for any questions they might ask you. Try to keep your answers brief. Don't go into any more details.

You need to come clean with your husband, which may seem like a big deal to you. But it might not be to him, unless you make it out to be a huge issue.

So just let him know that you thought you were over it. Tell him you very much hoped you were over it! Explain that you realized that you're not over it, and try to get him to understand why you were hurt. If he can't understand it, don't hold that against him. Men just don't understand women's emotions sometimes. It's nice if/when they try, but hoping for things from other people is often futile.

Acknowledge (to yourself at least, if not to your husband and his parents) that you shouldn't have consented to the test when you would harbour resentment over having been requested to get it. Then know that you DID consent to having the test, so that part was your own fault! Sometimes taking responsibility for what you COULD have controlled helps you to feel less victimized.

Finally, after having done all these things, if you are still having a hard time getting over it, you need some personal counselling in forgiveness. Not a big deal, it's great that you are able to be so honest about your feelings and that will be a big help in counselling.

Forgiveness is a HUGE thing. People get physically sick because of harbouring unforgiveness and resentment. You need to just let it go, but sometimes that's easier said than done.

If your in-laws just aren't trusting people, perhaps understanding that will help. If there are other ways your in-laws express their lack of trust (maybe not just in you, but in other people), that should be some consolation to you too.

You can't change other people, and in yourself, you can't change what you don't acknowledge. Maybe you shouldn't have consented to the test, maybe your husband should have stood up for you, maybe his parents shouldn't even have requested it! I really hope knowing all these things brings you peace. Counselling might help if it doesn't.

Answer 3

Well let me first say his parents had some nerve to request that of you. Your hubby should have stood beside you on this. You are married to him and he no longer is responsible to the wishes of his parents. Now how to for give that's a whole new ball game. It's difficult at best. I can understand you having the resentment i would as well. I'm sure forgiveness is some thing we all struggle with at some time or another. I think the only way you can do this is through prayer. You may contact a priest or minister to help you i don't think we can forgive on our own.

Answer 4

Honey, you love your husband, but so does his family. They didn't do it out of spite. I believe they were trying to protect their son. You have 2 kids, is one of them a boy. Imagine for a few minutes that your son, was in the situation that your husband found hisself to be in. I bet you would want a DNA test. That way there is never ever any doubt.

I am proud that you let them do the test. It was a very wise move on your part, I know it hurt your feelings. And make you question their motives and reasonings. But honey, if my son had been done anything remotely like this, I would ask him to have the test run. Please please don't hold on the negative feelings, it's going to come between you and your husband. It's ok, it hurts and makes you angry to have people question morals, but again, they were protecting their child. Just like you protect you babies.

Think about it from their point of view, your husband's first wife done him dirty, and they didn't want him to have any more heartache. I applaude all of you! Parents for asking for the test,and you for saying OK. You took a bad situation, and found the best solution for everyone. No worries, no questions, no what if's. I am glad you did it, and now it's time to forget, and let it ruin your happiness with your husband that you love with all your heart. Just remember Mom and Dad love him too.

God bless us all................

Answer 5

Maby his parents were thinkingt he does not pick very good women and to prove that they wanted to do a dna test and hope it was not his child or they do not like you.
Well the fact of him not stepping up and telling his parents was a little werid but maby he was cunfused. I am shore he loves u and would want to spent the rest of his life with you and just to let you know the first year or two is the hardest in marrige .

Answer 6

I can understand how you might feel hurt and feel like maybe your husband doesn't trust you, but try not to think of it that way.

Look at it through your husband's eyes.
Think of how much pain it caused him and his family when they found out the baby of his ex wife was not his.
They probably spent millions of hours excited about the baby and who knows how much money they spent on this child that wasn't even related to them.
That is a big bomb on the entire family.

I can understand how he would never want to go through that again.

I would let it go this time, but if the two of you have another child, or anything else comes up, I would talk to him about it and tell him it's ridiculous to blame you for something his EX did.

He and his family need to get over it, just as much as you need to get over what they did to you.

Answer 7

Oh, hon, do let this go.....His family was so used to his ex wife's abuse that they did what they thought was prudent. Put yourself in their shoes: How would you have felt if it was your child? They just want to be free to love your kids without reservations.

He probably sub-consciously wanted it, too. Don't fault him for this. How deep is the hurt that she would do so low a thing? It hits at the core of one's self - worth. And you gave him the gift of security with his own child.

Let what you did be a gift. There is so little kindness in this world. You did a good thing.
Count your blessings starting now. Let their judgements be in the past. Build on what you have. You are blessed.

Answer 8

You are right. He should have put his foot down and refused the test. He should have done refused it to let you know that he trusts you. He should have said simply, "I trust this woman. She's not like my ex."

The fact is, though, that all of that is water under the bridge. They asked. You agreed. He went along with it. You did it.

You need to talk it out with him. I suspect 1) that you are glad you did it for him and his family, 2) that you feel humiliated because of the obvious comparison to his ex, and 3) that you feel distrusted. If you really talk it out, I suspect that you discover he has similar feelings, e.g. 1) he's relieved, 2) regretful that you went through it, 3) grateful that you went through, and 4) wants to move on with you at his side.

Answer 9

You must forgive and move on. You have a good relationship so work on it not the past. He was caring a lot of baggage when you met so he was wrong to ask for ma DNA test but you can see why he did . He was reliving past experiences. You two must forget the pass and look to the future.
Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 10

Let it go, hon. In-laws are very protective, and you can never change that. Always have a smile for them, even if you like to smack them both. Never complain of anything to them, always be sweet and cheery, even if you'd like to give them both a knee in the crotch. You have a lovely family, a man who loves you, and you have inherited in-laws that we have all had to tolerate.... just let it go...you have no idea how much worse a mom-in law can be --- some of them can be invasive beyond what I could ever write here --- after all, you are sleeping with the body she put diapers on, and for some reason, some of these women just can't let go. You have to be bigger than that.....