I have no idea how to phrase this question.?

Question

I don't know myself.

6 years ago I was molested & I really closed up, I get nervous talking to adults. I bottle up emotions. Then when it comes time to use those emotions they come out 10x stronger than they should be. My mom is depressed. My dad doesn't notice. I don't have many friends because I have to know myself before anyone else can know me.

I'd love to travel, but Idon't have the money. I'd have to get a job, & I'm 15, the only place that will hire me is McDonalds, I'm vegan, & anti-anythingMcDonaldsrelated.

I am ready to give up on anything that I love --music, theatre, & art-- & just become a robot mathematician. I'm boring like that anyways.

I relate to Fiona Apple. Everything she says, we're both vegan, like the same music, have the same posture & the way she says what is on her mind even if there are potential consequences.

How old were you when you 'discovered' yourself and how? I need to hear some stories and advice.

Answer 1

Oh, dear. Sweetie, don't give up anything. Music, theater and art will help keep you sane.

Talk to somebody. If not your parents, tell someone else - a counselor, an aunt, a friend, anyone. Just get it out.

You're brave. It took me many more years and the birth of my own daughter to ever admit to myself that the same thing had happened to me. But acknowledging it is the first step to healing what the rapist did to you.

Always remember that you bear absolutely NO blame or shame for what happened! Our society piles guilt on survivors, but we don't deserve ANY, so don't accept it!

As for discovering myself, I turned 40 on Sunday and I'm still doing it. I figure I'll still be doing that the day I day - maybe longer, if this life isn't all there is! "Discovery" is just the process of honoring yourself, listening to your thoughts and feelings, honoring them and your talents and the alchemy that occurs when they mix with the world.

Answer 2

You know what? It's really okay to not know yourself precisely at the age of 15. You might still be discovering things about yourself 15 years from now, and that's okay too. It's part of what growing up is all about. And really, the more life and experience you have, the more you learn about yourself. You'll discover talents and interests and strength you didn't even know you had.

Our society really fetishizes being young for some reason, but I think if you ask most people, they wouldn't go back to their adolescence for anything! It is a confusing and stressful time, and there will be a day when you're more comfortable in your skin.

I think first you really should seek some kind of professional help to get over being molested. You are obviously aware enough to know how this has affected you, and that's halfway there. I think you could really benefit from having a safe person to talk to about things.

And is there really nowhere to work except McDonald's? There's no veggie restaurant where you live? How about other entry-level jobs, like as a cashier someplace? Saving up for something like an exciting trip somewhere could make any job tolerable, right?

And in the meantime, don't give up on the things you love, like music. Nobody ever found themselves or expressed themselves or felt fulfilled using a calculator.

Answer 3

Sweetie, it seems you are going through a really tough time and you are so young to be dealing with all this. Can you talk to your mom or is she in denial? If you cannot talk to her, you need to find an adult you trust to talk to. A school counselor or social worker should be able to help but if not, I know there are support groups for victims of sexual abuse. What you are feeling is normal after abuse occurs and you may be suffering from depression as well. It's all okay and completely normal so please know you are not alone. Lots of kids are going through similar situations and you do need to speak with some of them and see what they are doing to cope. Whatever you do, don't bottle it up. It will eat at you if you do and may ruin your life. You don't have to tell the world but you do need to tell. And if you are strong enough, you should tell the authorities to prevent the person who molested you from hurting more children, But you're obviously hurting and maybe cannot do that yet.

There are other jobs for kids if you really do want to get a job. I started working in a department store when I was fourteen but there are other things to do. You can tutor kids in school if your grades are good, babysit, do chores for the neighbors or even help with animals if you live near any farms (depending on the laws where you live). And you can always volunteer which will help raise your self esteem.

Unfortunately, other than the above advice, I can't give stories on when I found myself. It's a life long process and I'm still in the process. And I'm much older than you. Just don't lose hope. It will get better eventually, It takes time and may take some work but there is always hope. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

I totally agree with the answer that smarr has given. For sure, you should speak with a qualified counselor to get past the molestation. That can be a real obstacle. Some people even think it is their own fault, but it never is.
As for jobs, maybe this year volunteer at an animal shelter, or a floral shop, and that will give you something to start a nice resume for when you are 16 and can have more options for work.

Answer 5

You need some serious therapy. Don't wait for your parents to notice that you need help, ask them. Tell your parents that you need to see a therapist. If you need to convince them, tell them you are having a lot of trouble making friends and dealing with your emotions due to the molestation incident 6 years ago. If you have occasional deams about the incident, tell them that too. Family therapy might help as well. Maybe the therapist will recomend therapy or medication for you mom as well if she needs it.

Being molested is very traumatic and can take years to deal with even when you are seeing a therapist. There is no shame in asking for help.

Answer 6

It might help to read the literature by other people who have had a hard time; Maya Angelou comes to mind.

There is nothing boring about mathematics, the deeper you get into it. I recommend "Godel-Escher-Bach"; you can start with the in between chapter parables, and then work into any of the topics that appeal to you.

You should read about the different religions, especially yoga and zen (assuming you are already surrounded by Christian info); then read "Tao Teh King" by Witter Bynner. (Specifically).

Meditation is a form of prayer. Learn to meditate.

The next third of your life may be very busy, you might not have time to think. Try to write something every day; then by the time you can see yourself in relation to others, you may be able to express it.

Good Luck

Answer 7

instead of giving up on music theatre and art why not teach younger people how to do one or more of those things. These are great ways to express yourself when you can not do so other wise. you can help others to open up in a new way.
Pease do not give up so easy in that way. Arts in all forms are wonderful and as a 30 year old i wish and still dream to have that kind of nack. You are brave to show who you are and i hope you stay brave my dear. You are wonderful

Answer 8

You need to seek some counseling with someone who deals with those who have been through sexual trauma issues. This is not going to go away, and I am afraid that will only get worse if you do not talk to a trained professional about it. Good luck and God bless*

Answer 9

first, i question your choice to be vegan, you are so young to make such a big life decision..i realize you are young, but isn't there anybody you can talk to? i feel like you should see a doctor, maybe a free clinic if you must, but see someone..you say you are ready to give up things you love, please see this as a depression and seek help. it could be related to your past problems, brain chemistry, maybe even diet..(sorry) but some people on such strict regimens need vitamins..just please talk to somebody, OK...teacher, doctor, religious leader...

Answer 10

Im almost 18 and don't know myself yet. but u have been through a lot. i would suggest counseling. just because they would know what to tell you better than anyone on here that does not know you.
good luck.