why should i come in second?

Question

me n my husband have been married for about one year now and it seems like he is always putting his mother and her feelings likes and dislikes before mine. i cook dinner and he says lets call my mom and see if that is how she does it. i tell why do u do that if u werent ready for marriage why did u ask me. then he gets very mad and leaves or doesnt speak to me for hours. what should i do

Answer 1

He is immature. My husband did this for a while until I went on strike. I told him that as long as I didn't do anything to please him and his momma did then she could do it for him. I didn't cook, I didn't do his laundry, I didn't wash his towels, I didn't buy him deodorant, I completely cut him off. About 2 weeks into it he decided I did things just right. Before that though there were many fights and lots of crying myself to sleep. I even considered leaving him. Before I went on strike, I told his mother that she needed to learn to stay out of our marriage and mind her own business on everything. He didn't have a clue the strike was coming until I told him (the day I started).

Since then there have been rough times but he has definitely learned to put me first. We have been married 10 years and it has taken several years to get to where we are. I have had to learn to pick my battles with him and when I do to fight for what I believe in.

You need to hang in there. He sounds like he is still very much immature. There has to be that moment where that bell rings in his head and he realizes that it is now time to grow up and be a husband and most of all be a man and take responsibility.

Best of luck to you!!

Answer 2

That happened to me in the first year or so of marriage too. I soon realized that hubby's favorites were the things his mother made and why not, IMO, my mother's chocolate chip cookies were the best I'd ever tasted. Her potato salad too. Nothing I try compares to my Mom's specialties. I tried to make her Tomato Rice Soup the other day and it was a huge disappointment. Hubby liked it but I know it couldn't compare to Mom's.

Why not contact your mother-in-law and get recipes for some of hubby's favorite dishes and then surprise him? It might not be the same as your MIL's but he will appreciate the thought.

Answer 3

It sounds like your feeling are hurt and you end up going on the defense and he goes on the offense. With all these fences up it's hard to get the point accross.
Next time he says lets call mom and see if that's how she does it. Tell him well this is the way I do it. But tell you what why don't we have her over one night this week and maybe we can all make a dinner together.

Answer 4

Second will never cut it. Your husband may be too emotionally immature to know what marriage actually is. You will have to open up the lines of communication, but change will have to come by your husband. You can not change him. Next time he gets mad and becomes silent, ask him why he thinks he needs to hide from you that way and what is he hiding. Don't let him get away with this immature behavior.

Answer 5

Try rewording it. If you said "Why do you do that if you weren't ready for marriage" That sentence isn't what you're trying to convey, it's asking for an argument. You want him to understand that you're his wife now and can care for him as he can care for you now. So try talking to him like "We need to talk about our relationship" or something less serious-sounding to get him to listen up and hear what you have to say. But careful how you say it. The english language has many words but each word has different meanings. If you've been married for a year, it's important you learn how to tend the relationship by communication. Also, trying to find out how he feels about all this is important. Why is he going to his mom for a lot of things when he has you? That is an important question for you and him to find out.

Answer 6

oh hell no!!

my ex did that all the freaking time. i was making something i had never made before, that fool called his mom to come over right away since i wouldn't know what i was doing. And i came back from the store to find his mom in my kitchen. if i wasn't doing it the way his mom did it...i wasn't doing it right. oh that just chaps my hide thinking about it. We had company over once (his friends) and when i served them food, he would jump up and tell them "keep in mind everyone makes it different so it's not gonna taste the same". AARRGHHH!! i should also mention that his friends travel 40 miles plus just so i could cook for them. D!!!!!CK!!

you have a momma's boy. i am soooooo sorry. yeah those never grow up. either you put up with it and wait til she dies....or you leave now.

btw.....i never dated anyone after that had his mother still alive.

Answer 7

I really feel for you. I understand everything you are going through. I really don't know what to tell you to do. I know what worked for me but I don't know if it will work for you. After 9 years of my husband doing crap like that I just looked him I the eye and said I love you but I cant do this anymore. I know she is your Mom and she is the one who brought you into this world. But that doesn't mean you can't show me the same love and respect you show her. It isn't disrespecting your mother by treating me the way I am being asking you to treat me. It is a tribute to her and her abilities has a mother. By you standing up and being a man and handling your own business without her input you are showing her what a great job she did raising you. After all would you want a man to treat you mom this way.And if you can't do that much for me. Then I'm gone I am going to file for a divorce. Since I never was one to give ultimatums he took me seriously and quit being such a mamma's boy.

Answer 8

When u get married ur spouse should always come first . He is breaking the vows the two of u made to each other by placing his mother first. He needs to grow up, and he needs some of his own medicine. Then he will understand how he is making u feel.

Answer 9

He sounds like a "mama's boy", always looking for the stamp of approval from his mom.

Remind him that he's married to you. Set limits and boundaries of things you will tolerate and things you won't.

Answer 10

Mamma's boys...not attractive at all. Tell him you feel inferior when he does that, and that the two of you are your own family now. Let him know that you want to grow and learn with him, and only with him. That it is important to you to share that intimate growth with him.