Question about communicating with women...?

Question

I'm a newly wed and my wife and I have issues from time to time communicating with eachother, as most couples do.

My question is, what's the best way to communicate a frustration or concern I have with something she said or did?

This is how it works now:
1. I mope around for a while.
2. She askes what's wrong.
3. I say nothing.
4. She insists that we should talk so she can help what's bothering me.
5. I tell her.
6. She takes offense if it's something negative and gets defensive.
7. 5 minutes into it, somehow I'm now being yelled at for something thathad nothing to do with the situation at hand.

How can we better this? Shouldn't I be able to tell my wife, my best friend, anything, even it it's something that bothers me about her? Shouldn't she understand that I only tell her so that we can work past it and become better partners?

I'm the opposite. She says something and I understand and don't take offense. How can I get her to speak the same language?

PS - I'm not saying anythinh hurtful or degrading to her so let's get that straight right away.

An example would be, she doesn't like something about my family. She would say something that was mean. I understand what point she's TRYING to make but she could have said it differently.

Well if I try to tell her that I didn't like THE WAY that she said something about my family she would get defensive and say I'm taking thier side which I'm clearly not. I understand what she MEANT but would like her to express it differently. Make sense? See how I get yelled at in the end?This was an actual case in the past.

PSS - I don't just nit-pick her either. She's under alot of stress right now so I do let things go from time to time. Eventually things build up and I need someone to talk to right?

I will admit this... I do tend to yell. That is only after I am so frusterated that her ramblings and defensiveness have caused the main topic to fade in the background and we move on to how it's my fault that uhm... the tree outside has squirrles. HAHA! Something like that. It makes no sense to me. :)

Answer 1

We meet again, Joshua... All pettiness aside..

Honestly, in the early days, my husband and I had similar problems. He would be upset about something and try to talk about it with me, and I would take offense. Women tend to try to be "perfect" at everything while men have more of a laid back kind of attitude.

Start out by telling her something she does right. For example, if the problem you are having has to do with her spending too much money on clothes, say "Honey- you look great in those jeans and I really really love your sense of style, but I want to start putting more money back into savings so you and I can have something to fall back on. You look great in the clothes you already have, and if you'll cut back on your spending, I'll be more helpful around the house."

You have to meet us women halfway, and compromise is always a good deal.

Best of Luck!

~*~*Added*~*~

A-HA! Family problems.. always a sticky situation. If she says something mean about a family member, for example, your brother- say, "I know he gets on your nerves, and I understand where you're coming from. You have to understand, though, that he's been a part of my life since I was a baby and I love him and it hurts me when you're mean about him. If you have a problem with him, that's fine- tell me what the problem is and I'll talk to him about it, but you don't need to be mean." and then make sure you talk to him so that the problem doesn't come up again.

Answer 2

Well first, find the right moment to sit down and have a real honest to god chat with her. Then tell her exactly what you have stated here. That you try to tell her how you feel about something, but she doesn't hear you and then the argument blows up into something completely different. Then also explain how she says things that have valid points, however the way she says them rubs you the wrong way and again blows the argument into something its not. Give her an example of something she has said in the past, point out that it had a point and why and then also why it rubbed you the wrong way. They point out how she could have said it so that it wouldn't have bothered you in such a way. Then the next time you have an argument, when or if the conversation turns to something that has nothing to do with the original argument, try repeating the initial issue or simply say we are discussing ..... The most important thing is to do your best to remain calm so that you don't start yelling and her because once that happens nothing will get solved and no one really hears anyone. If you feel you are getting to the point that yelling is going to happen regardless, walk away. Find refuge. Until you and her have calmed down. The only way to discuss and have the other one hear you is without yelling and both parties have to be open. So again you need to discuss these feelings with her when the time is right, that is IMPORTANT, prior to an argument. If not, you will never learn to communicate with each other and your marriage will continue to suffer.

Answer 3

You don't. If she's fighting get a divorce and end your pain now.

Negativity of any sort will cause women to argue -- they will use it as a weapon, first they ask what is wrong and then turn it into a you did this and that and never do that and that -- and guess what, it will always be your fault, because she's incapable of taking the blame for anything even if she caused it...it's what American women do. I thought about this even before you mentioned your issue early this morning. I have to say honestly, I've been to a whole slew of countries and NONE of the women in any of these other countries act like American women do...if they did, their husbands would leave them straight up and outright. British and Germans and Japanese and especially Koreans all admit it -- because they watch America tv and they know what comes out of women's mouths here in the USA -- and they have nothing but praise for men in America who take it up the *** even when they outright know they shouldn't. British are brutal when it comes to what they think of American women. They see them as whiny and highly abusive to men as do the Japanese...

For your sake I certainly hope you don't go far with her if she tends to get agitated and fight you at every corner in your relationship.

If she is negative like most middle aged women are, then take my advice -- as a very happy older male -- get a divorce early...period...in the marriage and hedge your bets on someone else who tends to be less socially destructive to your personality. It WILL get worse if you let it and eventually she will turn to someone else and destroy your happiness as time goes on.

The best thing to do is find someone at least appreciative of YOU and give her your world and put her up on a pedestal, because she will have earned the right to love you, she won't simply demand it of you...

Answer 4

Perhaps if you ask her: how would you feel if I said this (----) about your family? Sometimes we tend to be a little sensitive about "how" someone says something, especially if it comes out rude, mean or brassy. It's hard to swallow. Sometimes, pointing out to the other person, this is how this feels when you say it, will help. BUT not always. You should be able to talk to her about anything... & she should listen instead of argue the point down. Perhaps counseling would help to get her see a different point of view. Those in relationships tend to forget that our partner isn't picking us apart, but merely trying to insert a different way of seeing things. Thus causing a riot over something as simple as what you just said was really mean sounding, or that really hurt my feelings. If you can't convey the message that she needs a bit more understanding & perhaps a different way of saying things.. then seek out a counselor...someone who's not directly involved.

Answer 5

You are a lucky man despite the fact your wife has insecurities.
Being a woman htough I understand how it is to be told something negative... especially if it's about you!...so, my suggestion is : 1) Say the good things so that when you say the opposite she won't feel you are just "picking" 2) you can try (since you are the thicker-skinned of the two of you) to not be petty, not saying that you are, but can you overlook some of what bugs you about her, afterall you married her. try to remember just why you did... no one is perfect, no one, that includes you.. don't know how newly married you are, but I do think you'd like to stay married right? Look at older couples, I mean Rreally older ones, dont you think that one of them has had to be the tolerant one in order to have stayed together for umpteen years. Just try being patient and tolerant of the liitle stuff-don't sweat the small. Cuase the big is gonna come someday and if you have weakened the relationship with the small, you'll be "blown over" with the slightest breeze that comes along. IN SHORT JUST LOVE HER FOR WHO SHE IS_ SHE SEEMS TO BE .
single and wishin not" You are blessed recognize it.

Answer 6

I used to have a similar problem.. So I made two boxes one for positive things and the other for things that bothered me.. for every negative thing we had to say we put 3 positives in.. You read one positive the negative and then the other 2 positives. this way they see you are not trying to attack them. and don't say "you are so annoying when you do this... say I feel kind of irritated when you do this certain thing.. that way you are telling how you feel and not "name calling"...We would sit down before dinner and go through the boxes, so that way we could have a nice dinner together and it made us feel better. but whatever negative things that got said had to get resolved and then we leave them in the box.. you cant bring it up in a future fight and you cant use it against the other person at any time. once the box gets shut for that night it gets left in the box never to be an issue again. hope this works out for you..

Answer 7

Some tips:

-Have set rules when arguing. Do not scream or yell at eachother and solve the situation when they arise, holding on the grudge will only make matters worse.

- Never say " You never..." or "You always..." that is relationship poison. You have to replace those accusattions with" I feel -adjetive- when you do " That way you can express your feelings rather than acusing one another or trying to prove each other wrong.

Good .luck

Answer 8

I hear we can be difficult to understand at times, but so can men to women. The best thing to do is NOT yell no matter how angry either of you get. If you remain calm, I think she would see just how out of control she is.
I also recommend that she see a doctor or you both see a marriage counselor.

Answer 9

Marriage conselling will help. Tell her that when you do have a problem and you "try to talk" to her.. she gets all defensive instead of listening and trying to deal with the problem at hand. Maybe she is not aware she is doing this and will try to talk things out next time. But counselling will help.

Answer 10

Sounds like you have your work cut out for you. My best advice would be to show her how by example, keep doing what you're doing and hopefully it will catch on that your way is better. Good luck.