Why was the truth hidden from me? I have been married to my wife for two years now. Yesterday I got into a?

Question

major argument with her mother (motherinlaw). She yelled at me and insulted me. She said things that hurt me. I got fed up and told her how I felt and how tired I was of her actions that I had been putting up with for a while now, things I had been holding in because I did not want to make matters worse. The lady then started to have a nervous breakdown and she was taken to the hospital. My wife and her sister started crying. It was day from hell. Early this morning I got a call from my motherinlaw's brother who informed me that she had been diagnosed with moderately high Schizophrenia 16 years ago and he told me everything. I did notice some odd behavior from my wife's mother for a long time but I always assumed it was because she was a b**ch. I am saddened by the fact I was not told the truth from the get-go. That would have explained a lot of things and perhaps made me be more understanding of the situation. Why was the truth kept from me? It hurt me that my wife kept this from me.

Answer 1

Perhaps she is ashamed of her mothers illness, and thought you may think differently of her if you knew. Try not to be to hard on her, I am sure it was not an easy thing to do keeping this a secret. She probably thought she was doing the right thing. She may even be in some state of denial of her mothers illness. Good luck and God bless. And do not keep beating up on yourself, you did not know. The two of you need to have a talk, and explain to her that you want her to be honest no matter what it is.*

Answer 2

In the 19th century and earlier, family members who had mental illness were either institutionalized or hidden away in attics. Times have changed, but not much, as you can tell. Nowadays, thanks to better living through chemistry, most mentally ill people can take meds and control most of their symptoms most of the time.

The other poster was right: your wife needed to tell you this a long time ago. Any other members of her family needed to tell you, too. The reason why you probably weren't told is family privacy, and a desire to keep your mother-in-law's dignity. No one wants to be treated differently, especially if they are different. But something should have been mentioned after you were married, since you are now a part of the family.

Use this time to talk to your wife and to your mother-in-law and to your wife's family. Tell them how hurt you are that you were never told. Tell them what you said here: that knowing her diagnosis would have made you more understanding of the situation, but as it was, you just thought she was difficult for no reason you could see. If they're understanding at all, then you will get some honest answers. If they aren't forthcoming, then you know that you are just going to have to do your best in a tough situation.

I'm sorry you were pushed past your point of endurance, and that you had a big argument. That can't be easy. Mend your fences, tender your apologies, and try to repair your broken fences. And go from there and learn from the situation. It's really all you can do.

Best of luck, and I hope this helps. Cheers, K

Answer 3

Yeah wow that's a big thing to keep from you!!! Especially since it would have prevented many times of frustration and fights. Unfortunately some people are still hung up on stigmas and that's a sad sad way to look at mental illness. Your mother in law's body has a problem, just like it would if it were heart trouble or stomach trouble....it just happens to affect her behaviour. Ask your wife flat out why she didn't trust your love enough to know that you would not judge her or her family by their medical issues. Maybe she's insecure about the remote possibility that she would develop the same illness and that you'd leave her. That doesn't make it right to keep a secret, but it would make a small bit of sense at least.

Answer 4

you need to talk to your wife. just be satisfied that her brother took it upon himself to tell you. i think he didn't want you to feel responsible about what happened and that it was probably discussed about whether or not to tell you, and he felt you should know the truth. yes, you should have been told of her health and it would have allowed you to better handle any situations that may have arose with your mother-in-law. another thing, did her brother mention whether or not she took her meds on a regular basis or was she one that only took her meds when someone mentioned it to her, because her behavior was being odd. this also makes a difference. perhaps, she didn't take her meds as schelduled. if she had, then the whole situation wouldn't have evolved. i've worked around mental patients and schizophrenias can be a b*tch, on or off meds, until the right combination for them are found. don't feel responsible, it's not your fault. you just got fed up, some of which wouldn't have happened if you had known. keeping secrets can sometimes cause more destrualt, for if you had known, you probably would have been more lenient with your mother-in-law. talk with your wife and get things straight on the homefront for the two of you. let her know how this has hurt you, but that you are also sorry for what happened with her mom. good luck and don't beat yourself or your wife up about it and about you not finding out sooner.

Answer 5

It may not have been kept from you on purpose. It's kind of one of those things that don't typically get discussed in relationships very often. Most of the time the family doesn't want to admit there's a real problem, so they feel if they don't discuss it, it's not really happening & maybe others won't notice it either. Or perhaps your wife was scared or ashamed to tell you. In all honesty, who wants to admit there's something wrong with their parent? Not too many. They want to believe so badly that their parent is strong & doing well & all of these things, that when something like this happens they just don't know what to do. Try not to be so hard on your wife about not telling you. My mother suffers from Schizophrenia & it's very hard to deal with. I use to be very very angry at her for the things that happened to me in my life... but now that I'm older, I actually feel very sorry for her & wish she was more herself, rather than this disease. Talk to your wife calmly & ask her why she didn't tell you... & for whatever reason she gives, just be patient & understanding & supportive.

Answer 6

First of all, dont be so hard on yourself..you didnt know.Secondly,maybe it's a great source of embarrassment for your wife, maybe she's afraid she'll end up the same way(a lot of mental illnesses are genetic)and that you'd get scared off. You didnt say how old you all are...I'm thinking that if you're younger and your wife was a kid when her Mom was diagnosed, then yeah, she probably was horribly ashamed and just wanted it to all go away. Our minds have the amazing ability to just block out things it's not able to deal with...even if that isnt a very healthy way to act....talk to your wife...ask her how she feels about her Mom's Schizophrenia...find a support group and go w/her...it would be a wealth of information and healing for you both.

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I hope your not being blamed for anything and I hope your Mother-in-Law does get better. I think it was very wrong of your wife to keep something of that importance to herself and not tell you. Talk with your Wife and let her know how this makes you feel and ask her why she didn't tell you. I would suggest talking with her once your Mother gets out of the Hospital and when doing so do not get angry. I understand your hurt but ask civilly and listen because this might be a difficult topic for her hence the secret. Good Luck!!!

Answer 8

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Answer 9

Wow.. thats pretty serious. Don't be upset at your wife for not telling you about it. Some things are just better kept unsaid, and this was probably something that your wife thought she should keep to herself. Instead of wondering why you had never known about this.. think about it.. you do know now and thats all that matters. You now know why your mother in law was always such a b**ch to you, so do yourself (and your wife) a favor and make things better! Be the better man.. come on, you know you can do it! Good luck to you!

Answer 10

Give her a break. Perhaps she was embarrassed, or was sparing your feelings, or was afraid you'd judge her for her mother's behavior/sickness. So, now you know. Deal with it and move on. Knowledge is power. Yes she should've probably told you but don't hold that against her as she had her reasons for witholding that info from you. Get over your hurt and think about how your wife must feel to have a mother with such a horrible problem. It's not always about you.