I'm probably just being hormonal, but when one gets married, shouldn't they stop having one on one out time with the opposite sex? For instance, I still go out with friends, but I don't go alone with a male friend. Yet my husband will go meet with his friend (a girl), alone. It's getting me paranoid as hell (he cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship, and we broke up because of it, only to reconcile 5 months later- all pre-marriage tho).
Would it be too bitchy for me to ask him to not see her alone? I don't mind if they go out, but not while alone. But at the same time, I'm afraid of setting that boundary, and then he starts lying to me instead. I'm just at a loss of what to do in this situation.
What would you do? This situation makes me feel uneasy. The last time I felt uneasy, he cheated on me.
2006-11-13 03:54:31 · 24 answers · asked by krivera_fierro 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think you have every right to be nervous. He should respect you and not go out with her, set the expectation, and make him stand by it.
2006-11-13 03:57:48 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
That is really a tough one...
Had there been no cheating I would honestly say that you might be being unreasonable... However, given the history that changes things a bit.
You need to talk to your husband honestly! Explain to him how it makes you feel and find out how he feels about the whole thing. If you cannot talk to him openly and honestly then you have a much larger problem than some old friend who happens to be a girl.
Also, Have you ever met the girl, talked with her... Is she married, is she even straight?
One thing I would suggest though when you talk to your husband is NOT to be accusatory or anything like that... you need to let him know how you feel and that it really bothers you because you are insecure and explain why...
Truthfully, it sounds like you may just need to learn to deal with it. I say that not to be cruel but because at some point you will have to get over the cheating incident, this is why I have never taken back someone who has cheated on me... (I just CANNOT get over that kind of betrayal). This is why an honest open dialogue is SO important and probably the only thing that will help.
Either way... Good luck, my friend!
2006-11-13 04:03:18 · answer #2 · answered by D B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, if you have already had this problem once, you have the right to feel uneasy. I dont see a problem with a little communication between the both of you. You can ask and the worst he can do is say no, but then you'll have other things to worry about. When your married, the friendships don;'t have to stop, as long as they stay as friendships and you should at least be asked if you want to come along?! How would he feel if you were the one doing this all the time? Hope it all works out for you! Best of luck!
2006-11-13 03:58:25 · answer #3 · answered by dadknows 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well asumptions are one thing, instincts are another. If he cheated on you once, he is more than likely capable of doing it again.
If it has gone this far, having the "friend" before your marriage and contining after your marriage, you need to take off the beer goggles and smell the rat.
I am in no way saying that men and women cannot have platonic relationships. I am male, been married 4 times (cheating spouses... the first two, unfortunately it wasn't me who was cheating!)
After getting hurt I had to step back and regroup and re analyze the situation. I was being blind in both situations. I "knew" something was going on but did nothing about it. By their past behavior (before me) I should have known it was bound to happen.
At some point you have to trust someone just like they have to trust you. You obviously do not trust your husband (rightfully so). If you do not trust him why did you marry him????
It would not be wrong of you to ask him to not "go out" alone with his lady friend. You should talk to him about it though. If he "loves" you and cares about how you feel about his "friend", then he will do something about it. Either way, I can almost gaurantee that the word "trust" will be somewhere in the first sentence that comes out of his mouth. He will feel that you don't trust him, thus beginning a vicious cycle of defensive and offensive exchanges between the two of you.
If he seems agreeable and open to your feelings about his "friend", then you may be actually helping your relationship. You had a problem, you brought it up, and the two of you solved it. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? He mat be the type of person who needs help seeing the forest for the trees.
By pointing out the tree (small issue or problem), you are helping him see the forest (big/long term picture-your lasting marriage).
It took me getting hurt (demolished) a few times to figure it out. I did something I never thought I would do and re-married. Through my previous wounds, I learned how to trust someone who is worthy of it. In return I can be trusted as well. We understand and agree on certain things, and when there is an issue it is addressed immediately. By waiting, you are growing insecurity and destroying the trust between you.
I hope you figure it out, but I hate to say that you nay be getting the short end of the deal here. Beofre you assume that something is going on, ask and find out, and don't wait.
My wife has many male friends. I know about all of them, have met all of them (she makes sure that I do meet them), and they do things together (without me). I have no problem with it. Occasionally, I will even get invited to go along. If I did, or do have a problem, I would sure as hell let her know about it.
I however have no real close female friends, but she knows that I can be trusted around them because I have never given her a reason to doubt me. We are adults here, we should act like them.
2006-11-13 04:33:49 · answer #4 · answered by konstipashen 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Going out with a woman by himself? Hell NO! That's trouble just asking for a reason. What's the justification? He's already strayed once. Have you suggested you tag along? You should and you should.
Going out in groups with a mix of the sexes is somewhat better. At least there are people you know that are present and just might stop something from starting. Unless the group is a bunch of swingers, he's not going to start some monkey business in front of mutual friends.
2006-11-13 04:01:23 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask him to stop, especially if you adhere to the standard yourself. I know there is the matter of trust, but there is also the issue of avoiding questionable situations. Even if nothing is going on, if people start talking and spreading rumors, it can be very damaging to a relationship. Tell him you feel uneasy and why you feel uneasy - he should understand, especially if his previous cheating is at the heart of the issue. Trust is not always unconditional, it goes hand in hand with good judgement.
2006-11-13 04:02:33 · answer #6 · answered by Brad 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is called female intuition. You are probably right for being suspicious, especially that it would not be the first time for your husband. You seem like a relatively innocent woman thinking more of the comfort of your husband than your own. Anyway, you are perfectly within your boundaries if you ask him not to be along with a female. Put your foot down on this one. I am a man myself and know how things go.
2006-11-13 04:00:18 · answer #7 · answered by seek_fulfill 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all... His being inebriated is a foul excuse for his movements. If some thing, then it really confirmed what he's able to in any respect different cases. His spouse could be attentive to this mans prepare of concept through now and subsequently could were disturbed contained in the least about what he did to you. You on the different hand would have carried it somewhat a techniques through slapping him, yet understandably so. What you should have performed is only left and refused any further invites correct to alcohol. This couple could be made conscious that destiny movements like this isn't tolerated any further. in spite of if it replaced into he feeble attempt at being humorous even as inebriated. If absolutely everyone in that room were less than significant outcomes of alcohol, then you truthfully were in a room of youngsters. only my opinion.
2016-11-23 19:34:47 · answer #8 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seems to me there just might be a little problem here. Do the two of them ever hang out with you too? I don't think I'd be all that happy about it. Although, I've had a bf who hung out with other women when he went out and I was working, but it was never anything planned ahead of time unless it was with a mutual friend of both of us. He might run into someone while out and hang with her until I got off work, but he wouldn't make plans with another woman. He wouldn't ever cheat on me either though. After being cheated on, I think I would be a little jumpy if my husband was spending time with another woman, and I would fight about it myself in your situation.
Just my thoughts.
2006-11-13 04:07:02 · answer #9 · answered by wynoandiknow 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Who am I to tell a complete stranger what to do! But, just go with your gut feeling doll! It sounds as if things have been a bit rough sense the beginning of your relationship. Maybe its time to start over before the lies and cheating continue. One thing I feel strongly about though is...Once a cheater always a cheater...Think about it!
2006-11-13 03:58:26 · answer #10 · answered by arenaimage 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well i would just ask if he minds if u came out with them becuase (this is just an excuse) ur bored and have nothing to do anyway. I mean he really cant say no, and then after you go be like "omg, that was soo fun, cool, nice, etc.". Can i come with you guys the next time too ... and then, maybe you could have it at your house. good luck && do something along those lines.
2006-11-13 03:58:24 · answer #11 · answered by jayden_327 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋