Marriage Advice needed?

Question

My husband has a son (lets call him JOE) from a previous marriage and his ex-wife has a son (lets call him PETER)from her current marriage. Once his ex called and asked us if we could help her out and take "Peter" too since she didn't have a sitter. I was not too thrilled with it, and I gave in. Ever since then "Peter" comes on occasion to our house and stay's a night or too. My husband doesn't think that any of this is wrong, however, I believe his ex is taking advantage of his good nature. How can I go about it and put a stop to this? "Peter" is 6 yrs and "JOE" is almost 15. My husband and I have fights over this and it doesn't seem like there is anything I could do. Any advice?

Peter is the half-brother of Joe - they share the same mother and they live with their mother

Answer 1

My ex takes my kids from my new marriage,and I take his son from his new relationship. We are all cool with it. His new girlfriend watches my kids that are not his, and I watch hers that she has had with him. They are brothers and sisters, this is important for them all to build relationships. I like to spend time and get to know my daughters brother. Get used to it, you guys are family, act like it.

Answer 2

Are the boys step-brothers or half-brothers? Meaning, do they share any biological parents? That might be somewhat important. Do they get along? I know there's a big age difference, but does Peter look up to Joe, and does Joe like being an older brother figure to Peter?

When you married a man with an ex-wife and children (biological or not) (baggage), you got yourself into a situation where at times, there IS nothing you can NECESSARILY do. It's not your family, it's not totally your business. You are treading on thin ice, with the possibility of being labelled as the "controlling" new wife.

With this knowledge, you should carefully approach your husband. Let him know that the fact that your feelings seem to have no bearing to him makes you feel walked on and not considered.

Whether he hears you right or not (some people have a way of hearing things other than what you're actually saying) is anyone's guess. You may need to get counselling to find out how to make yourself clear to your husband, that is IF your feelings are justified.

Would you feel better if you were consulted about things? I know I would, and I'd feel better about allowing things, than NOT being asked, and feeling like I had no choice. From time to time, you have the right to say, it's not a good time. You don't have to have plans. Just tell the ex-wife (if you can speak to her directly that might be better) that you and your husband can't take her son this weekend. You don't have to give her a reason, you don't even have to HAVE a reason. If she asks for one, say "I'm not prepared to go into that with you." or "I'm sorry, but I have no obligation to you." or "Just can't/don't want to."

That being said, if it turns out that you're being more jealous or controlling than you should be, maybe you could find something else to do when Joe comes to visit. Get your husband to pay for you to have a night out with a girlfriend. Or go visit family or friends in another town.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Well, the thing is: Peter is Joe's big brother (even if they aren't blood related, they live with their mom together, right?). So to exclude Peter every time is unfair and maybe hurtful to this teen. Unless he is a big pain while he's around, I think you are doing a very nice thing in having him over. My husband and I have teens with no fathers from our church over for Sunday dinner a lot. They enjoy watchingn football with my husband and they need a man to talk to about guy stuff and to teach them good values, etc. Maybe Peter doesn't have a good male image in his life and needs your husband. As a teen, he'd probaby rather be hanging out with his friends and his mother is worried to leave him alone (internet, parties, etc. could lead him astray all alone), so he is forced over to your place. I think you should be kind about this situation. You married a guy with two kids (his own and his "stepson"), and so long as they behave, you should be accommodating and understanding.

Answer 4

You could be Peter's saving grace here. If it weren't for you watching him he might end up somewhere he shouldn't. You are now part of Peter's family, just as Peter is part of Joe's family. I think Peter would suffer if you were to now decide you don't want him coming along. I think its wonderful that you do it and Peter is a lucky, lucky boy.

Answer 5

Well, when you buy a used car, you buy the problems too.

You had to know that there was baggage going into this relationship. He has decided that he will do things for his ex, so you don't have a lot of choice.

Its a sad situation, but with about 50% of families ending up in divorce court, its all to common.

Rather than fight, write him a letter, a calm, precise, and to the point letter expressing how this makes you feel. Stay away from finger pointing or name calling, make it about your feelings.

Answer 6

Peter is not just hubbys exs' son, he is also Joes brother. You seem to be forgetting that. He is part of his family.

Answer 7

Who looks after Peter, when he is over? This is not fair, and his ex needs to be told. Your husband needs to have a talk with his ex wife. this is her responsibility. not yours. Sit your husband down, and say we need to talk, this is interfering with our marriage, and we have to get it straight once and for all. Say I want peace and happiness in this marriage, and I will be damn, if I am going to let your ex, control this household! You tell him, now if you won't tell your ex, then I will! Get it straight , Sister!

Answer 8

i won't be to trill eather but you have to remember the peter is you step son,s brother

Answer 9

lay down the law and say you only your son is welcomed and not hers. if he cannot respect your wishes, then you have bigger problems, now maybe you will realize why he was divorced.