i'm not sure how to deal w/ this marital situation and needs your opinion.?

Question

i feel that i've fallen out of love and dont feel attracted w/ my husband. we've been married for 8 yrs and have 3 wonderful young kids. our relationship lately has been revolving w/ work and taking care of the kids. he's been a wonderful father to our kids. but i look at him and i'mafraid i dont even remember being head over hills in love w/him and now i really feel lost. should i tell him how i feel? i feel like i've been ignoring this feelings for awhile now and perhaps thats why i keep on having this kids hoping the bond bet. us will be even stronger, instead it's the opposite. i know he loves me more than i ever felt for him.i married him bec. his the kind that will stay until you're old and gray and i thought eventually the love will grow stronger. nowadays, i have this empty feelings. i want to fall in love w/ my husband bec. he deserves it & bec. i love our children and dont want to end up in a broken family. how do i keep my family and not fall apart inside?

Answer 1

Well 43770,

It sounds to me that you HAVE NOT fallen out of love with your husband. You obviously care deeply about this man, otherwise you would not be here asking opinions from us underqualified non-therapists. You also would not have made all the LOVING COMMENTS that you have in your question.

My suggestion is to figure out WHY you think you have "fallen out of love" with him. What has happened along the way to make you feel this way? At EXACTLY WHAT POINT did you START feeling this way? Obviously, you have NEEDS THAT ARE NOT BEING MET. Figure out what they are. What can HE DO to rekindle the flame that the two of you shared so long ago?

Once you have figured this out.....then it's time to sit down & have a chat. Tell him what's going on inside of you....IN A POSITIVE WAY. The reason I put emphasis on this is because you do NOT want to offend him, put him on the defense, or make him feel as though he has failed you. If you make him feel any of these things, he will view your feelings inside as a NEGATIVE and it will push him away & make him distant & you might lose this WONDERFUL MAN. And from what you have written, that is NOT YOUR INTENTION....correct?

I know from experience (I have 4 wonderful children & a man who cares deeply about me) that as relationships grow & you start having kids, YOU AS A COUPLE GET LOST IN THE MIX. Between working all the time to sustain the family & dealing with all the issues with the children, there is little time left for the two of you. By the time you get everything accomplished that you NEED to in a day, you are dog tired & that "flame" is but a small glowing ember that can be put out easily with a little bit of spit. That's how you get LOST.

You need to make it MANDATORY to set aside some time for the TWO OF YOU.....for romance....for sex....for intimacy...for rekindling the spark. Just like you HAVE TO make time for the kids, work, & all that goes with that.....you HAVE TO make time for you & him....so you don't get lost in the shuffle.

Take the time to sit down & make a list of all the POSITIVES & NEGATIVES you feel for this man. Write it down on a sheet of paper. Then, I want you to focus only on the POSITIVES....the things that you do love about him. I don't care if the only part of him that you still think is sexy are HIS FINGERS (lol), focus on them....they are a POSITIVE.

Then, set aside some time this evening and praise him for being such a good father, person, etc. Once you start praising his GOOD qualities...he will be very receptive to a little flirting you will do. (And it wouldn't hurt to dress a little sexy for this) Then, you need to TOUCH the parts that you still find attractive & show this man that he is important to you.

Once you do these things a few times....I can almost guarantee that you will find that "lost love" that you thought was gone. It's all in MAKING THE TIME FOR EACH OTHER that you aren't doing right now. It seems to me that you want this to work....so don't give up so easily. Anything GOOD in your life requires some work on your part....you'll be just fine....take the time and you will see. If he's the type of guy that wants to stick around and grow old & grey with you, then he's definitely a keeper. As a matter of fact, that's what I looked for in a relationship....if I could see myself & that person sittin' in our rockin' chairs on the front porch when we were old & grey....then I was hooked. It'll all work out for you, girl...you'll see.

Answer 2

I think you have to be realistic and acknowledge that the "head over heels" feeling goes away after a while. But in successful relationsips, it is normally supplanted with something deeper. I have talked to couples who had been married for a long time (my parents, 33+ years; my grandparents, 40+ years before my grandfather passed away), and "head over heels" is not how they describe their feelings for each other. They're more likely to speak in terms of "attachment", "companionship", "friendship", even "habit". They fondly remember the first months or years of their relationship, when they were young and "in love" - but it is only a part of the bigger picture. If you don't feel that you have this deeper bond with your husband, I don't think "falling head over heels" in love is a solution; what happens when you "fall out" of love again in a year or two? It seems that developing a stronger bond is a key to the lasting relationship, not the unsustainable "in-love" feeling. I don't know of an easy way to tell the other person that you're not certain of your future together; are you sure you're not just getting the "grass is greener" itch? I mean, in some way, people have a knack for never being completely satisfied: if we are with a guy we're madly in love with, we complain that he doesn't take out the trash or make enough money; and if we're with someone who's a good husband and father, we wonder if there's "something more" out there. You really can't have everything; you ALWAYS give up some things in order to get others. Look at the things you have; are you *sure* you're not getting more than you're giving up?

Every couple goes through some "down" times.... Perhaps the two of you could benefit from some marrige counseling. Good luck.

Answer 3

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you need to grow up!

Why do you feel the need to put yourself and your happiness above that of everyone else? Love is not a feeling of constant joy, lust, excitement, etc. Love is knowing that your partner will be there for you. Love is security, which you apparently have with this man and your children. You should get help to sort out your feelings before you do something and ruin so many lives. If you need excitement, involve your husband in some new activities. You will be making an irreversible mistake if you throw this relationship away for a reason as selfish as "falling out of love."

Do you know how many women would do almost anything for a man who loves and respects them and takes his marriage vows seriously? You should think really hard about what your priorities are.

Answer 4

Make the effort to fall in love AGAIN with him. Staying in love is a choice. Why have those feelings when you have a loving and faithful husband? You are lucky that your family is not falling apart amidst this chaotic world. (read all those with problems about their husbands) Make a choice to stay happy with your family, Happiness too is a choice and is only a state of the mind. It is only when you lost someone that you'll come to learn of his value. Don't allow this to happen. Boredom usually happens to couples after 7 yrs of marriage. Revive the romance in your marriage by doing something new, like introduce and create new positions when making love (read kamasutra), do something new together, have some vacation (only the two of you) for even just a few days, etc. Remember..happiness is wanting what you have and not having what you want.

Answer 5

Sounds like you two need some time away from work and the kids. Many couples go through this, and become parents and providers first, and lovers second. Connect with your hubby, before you lose sight of what you two need. I love my husband unconditionally, but find myself being mom more than anything. Have to set some time for you and hubby, so it doesn't get worse. And having kids to keep a marriage together, is not a good thing. You either need to straighten this out, or it will not work. Good luck! :)

Answer 6

You have discovered what every married person has or will discover in some degree some where in their relationship. That is why they have marriage counselors and 50% divorce rate. They did a survey some years back and they discovered that people who have been together 15 years or more don't talk to each other more than 20 minutes per week. And that was skewed because some of the people they interviewed did a lot of partying and had to talk to each other to find out where the house was. Live and learn.

Answer 7

U have been too much involved in too many things.There is a lack of communication.U need to set aside 1 day of the week to spend with each other.It's ok to leave you're kids with a babysitter once in a while.go out for a nice quiet dinner and put you're heart out.look like a wife rather than a mommy before him for those 3 hours.you're guy might be going through the same thing unable to express it to u.Communication is the key.when u express what u truly feel maybe some changes can be made.

Answer 8

Love is like mud puddles. You fall in and out of them. NOT!!

You can choose to love someone. Just like your kids, they could be the worst kids in the world or the best kids in the world, either way it is your choice to "love" them.

Just because they are yours doesn't mean that there is love for them. Same for your husband. If you "fell out of love" with him, it is beacause you somehow chose or are choosing to not love him.

I am no counselor or psychologist but I do know that "love" is a choice. By continuing to act the part you are only hurting everyone involved including your kids, which are innocent in regaurds to the matter of whether or not you "love" your husband.

I do not believe that kids should be a "condition" of a relationship. Having more will only worsen the situation. By tying him, and yourself, to the responsibility of children you are creating more distractions and more excuses to not deal with the real problem. Kids get hurt in relationships too, sometimes for life. Sad part is that the kids did not do anything to deserve to be without their dad/mom/family. So many kids grow up with some guilt thinking it was their fault that they dont have a dad/mom or a "family" like everyone else. Essentially it is YOUR fault if they do. Is that fair to them?

If you are not "in love" with the man, figure out what the hell you want to do and go on with your life. It will hurt everyone involved but at least you aren't prolonging the agony.

If he loves you like you say he does, he is probably willing to do anything he can to save your marriage.
The question really is, Are you willing to do anything it takes to save your marriage ?

And are you willing to accept the responsibility for the repercussions that may occur if you aren't ?

Answer 9

First of all, God bless you and I feel you have great intentions for your husband. That is a great start. As a single christian woman, let me tell you, you do not want to start over as a single mom, dating in this world. It is hard. I am 40, single with no kids, and it is hard for me.

No pun intended, better the devil you know than the devil you don't. Your husband sounds like he has no faults, it is just that you don't think you are not "in love" with him. You love him, and that is more than have the battle.

Please seek christian counseling, and read and meditate on your Bible, seeking what it says about a christian marriage and God can turn this around for you if you really want it. He can make you guys more in love than ever. Seek and then Trust Him.

Answer 10

kids, work, sounds like everyday life to me, quite normal. the problem is your own negative thoughts, how u see things, sometimes we think we don't love our husbands, everyday life, is sort of hum drum, not that exciting, but if that man were to leave or u would be going through a divorce, u would not be ready for it, so it's definitly time to communicate and make an attempt to get closer to him emotionally. divorce is heartbreaking, and when it happens the man we thought we didn't love, was really the one we did. if u got a man who will be there with u when u get old and grey, than u truly have a treasure, and need to rethink things, marriage isn't about excitement and sweep u off your feet kind of stuff, it is a settled in type of thing, based on trust, reliability, and knowing he is there for u, no matter what. have u considered therapy for yourself, sometimes our problems are caused by our own negative thoughts, and not anything else. staying with someone is based not on your feeling's but a decision u make to accept him unconditionally, not conditionally.