HELP!! My 12 yr old daughter is so defiant!!!?

Question

My daughter has always been such a great kid, until she started Jr. High this year. She's now constantly just downright hateful to me, her younger sis, and my husband (her stepdad). Like yesterday, my husband was using the restroom at home, and like men do, he was taking a bit longer cuz ya know, his stomach hurt. (LOL)Anyway, she yelled at the top of her lungs through the door, "Leroy, come on already! Get out of the bathroom! MY GOSH!!" And it was so hateful and so disrespectful and I had just HAD it with her bad attitude that I took her by her arm and made her face me and I said, "You DO NOT speak to your stepdad that way! Go to your room."
Lately, every time she gets hateful or defiant I punish her with a chore she hates..I make her fold one load of laundry each time she gets in trouble. Over two nights last week, she ended up folding 7 loads of laundry, but STILL didn't stop the rudeness!
I tried to get her into individual counseling, but our insurance won't pay!HELP!

BTW, her stepdad treats her and myself like GOLD.He even adopted my youngest daughter.MY 12 yr. old begged me to marry him cuz she loved him to death. SO, I don't think her having a stepdad is the problem at all.But, her real dad has refused to see her for almost 10 mos. now. I think that may be part of it.And she refuses to see her real dad, too.They don't get along AT ALL.

She also has regular chores she is supposed to do, like washing the dishes and keeping her room clean, but tells me that none of her friends have to do any chores, so it's not fair that she has to do them.Am I the only parent out there that is trying to instill responsibility in my girls?She doesn't get an allowance cuz when I tried that, she said 20 a week wasn't enought for doing the dishes every night and keeping her room clean, and she wouldn't do the chores without arguing with me every single night anyway.I've HAD IT with her! And, yes, I've tried taking away the Ipod, her tv, etc. but then she kkeeps the attitude the entire time she doesn't have those things cuz she's mad at me for taking them away. Is this just a phase? I don't remember being this defiant at 12 yrs old, and my mom said I wasn't that bad!

Answer 1

People are going to come down on me for this, but Dr. Phil said it too.

Take away EVERYTHING. Give her enough clothes to make it through the week. Give her 1 pillow and 1 blanket. Take away the phone, computer, I-pod, everything. Only let her out of her room to go to the bathroom and do her chores. Make her eat in her room! Do this until she is ready to behave, and then do it for another week to make sure she gets it.

This is not child abuse, before anybody says it is. She's getting food and water, lights, all the necessities.

Answer 2

Ok, I work at a Childrens Home (placement home for kids). I deal with defiance all day long. I so can understand your frustration. When dealing with this its best to understand that with the lovely age of 12 comes "pre-puberty" drama. She's entering the defiant stage...AKA: Rebelion. She's probably going through the hormonal changes as well. God knows us women can get pretty cranky when those go out of whack. If she's being worse than the typical issues that come with this age there may be some other options. You have the right idea with the "hated chores"...in fact it's brilliant (I may use that with the kids I work with). If this isn't working and insurance sucks then see if there's a religious leader, a social worker at school, guidence counselor, maybe even a teacher that she'll talk to. Someone where she understands can report back to you if they see it's serious enough. If that doesn't work I've always used stair time and grounding. Taking away her most important things (computer unless for school, tv, video games etc. ). Hope this works for you.

Answer 3

A couple of things could be going on here. I am the mom of a 13 yr. old daughter and also I used to be a troubled teen.

First off, when I started to act like that at her age, I went into a depression/rebellion due to the fact that I was rejected by my father. Its because of this experience that I would suggest you keep an eye out for use of drugs.

Secondly, when my daughter treats me like that...I just let her yell and throw her little temper tantrum and then when she is done, I tell her in a calm voice that I didn't deserve that and then I don't give her any attention at all. I don't show her anger or kindness. It drives her nuts. Usually by the end of the day, she's apologizing.

I know from experience that yelling at her or even being forceful of rules and such is not gonna work. I know alot of parents will disagree but when you've tried everything else, the only thing left to do is play the guilt card. This may or may not work for your child but its worth a shot, if you haven't tried it already. Good Luck :)

Answer 4

I feel ya!! I have one too. She started with the attitude around age 11 and she is now 12 and just started jr. high too. She used to be so sweet...we never argued, we would hang out and go shopping together...now, I am just not cool enough! Actually, for the most part, she still thinks I'm pretty cool and she tells her friends that...but when she doesn't get her way it's a whole other story! Unfortunately things will probably get worse before they get better..but they will get better! Teenage girls these days have a lot of "Stress' in their lives. Things that may not seem a big deal to us are actullay the center of their existence.....like clothes, hair, friends and boys! This is also a time when they start to come into their own...discovering that they are their own person and what they like, dislike, and just how much they can get away with!
Check with your school's counselor and guidance dept....sometimes they have someone there who can help. In the meantime, just continue to love her and try to be patient.
Good luck!

Answer 5

This is not uncommon at all and it often starts earlier then 12. Puberty plays a big role in this behaivor.

Your punishment is backwards. at her age she should be doing more chores anyway. Try removing privileges that she likes instead like the phone, the computer, seeing friends etc.

You say she has an Ipod and a TV...that's a bit much for a 12 year old if you ask me. You really need to pick your battles with a girl this age. It's a difficult time but it will work itself through.

Answer 6

Well, the first thing you can do is look at all the things she likes to do and take those activities away from. No parent(s) deserve disrespect, ESPECIALLY if they are trying to take care of their child. Lay down some ground rules, if she does something you told her not to do, don't get mad, just take away what she likes. It looks like laundry is not working for you. Give her more than that. Make her clean the whole house, that could possibly give her some appreciation for where she lives. She is lucky she isn't placed out on the street to fend for herself. I know many girls that were in that type of predicament. Try to get other adults involved to change her attitude. For instance, try talking to her favorite teacher and tell her the problem at home. I think your daughter would listen to someone who she likes/respect more than you. That would give some positive influence on her attitude. It's a start.

Answer 7

Start removing privileges. Apparently, folding clothes isn't enough. Remove privileges and include more punishments. Next time, she folds the laundry and does dishes. After that, she folds the laundry, does the dishes, and takes the trash out. And as you're going along, remove her favorite things. For example;

Take away the Ipod or another favorite gadget, for a minimum of 1 week, and she folds the laundry and does the dishes.

Next offense, take away another favorite thing for 1 week, the Ipod is now gone for 2 weeks, and she folds the laundry, does the dishes, takes the trash out.

Next offense, take away all pleasure reading books, TV, any other form of entertainment for a minimum of one month, and she folds the laundry for that entire month, does the dishes for that entire month, takes out the trash for that entire month, cleans the bathrooms once a week for that entire month, etc. The more you crack down on her, the more she will see that her attitude is causing her nothing but misery.

You are also provided a school counselor. Set up meetings with him/her. Have your daughter visit with him/her as often as the school feels necessary.

Ok since it hasn't worked with chores and such;

Take away everything. Leave her with 5 pairs of jeans and 5 plain T-shirts or sweaters, 2 pairs of plain shoes (a pair of sneakers and a pair of sandals seems appropriate, or two pairs of sneakers, depending on where you live {I live in Florida so I had to make a few edits to take into consideration that it might get pretty bitterly cold where you live}), her coat since winter is coming up, and appropriate undergarments. Take away all items of entertainment, and put them in storage. Put a closet door knob on her door so she cannot lock herself in (of course, still afford her an appropriate level of privacy). Take away her makeup, etc, leave her with the basics. Shampoo, conditioner, plain soap and a brush. Explain to her that if she wishes to be treated like a big girl, she is to behave like a big girl, and until she can behave like a big girl, she cannot have anything that big girls have. Tell her that big girls are expected to help around the house, and until she can maintain an appropriate level of cleanliness and do her chores, she will not have anything big girls are allowed to have. Don't give in to the "Well my friends do or don't do this," don't even acknowledge the arguement. She comes out of her room to eat, shower, use the bathroom, and go to school. That's it. After she has displayed appropriate behavior for, let's say 3 months, she can start earning her entertainment items back, one at a time. She can start earing a couple of shirts back a week, or a couple back a month. That's up to you. Make her earn her entertainment items and her "pretty, name brand" items back.

If you don't establish that YOU are the parent and reign in the rebellion NOW, you're in for bigger problems before you know it.

Answer 8

My older sister when i was younger was very very rebellious and none of either me my other sister or brother were like that. She was very disrespectful and mean and was always getting into trouble. Well my mother got fed up with it and she got sent away (court ordered) to a foster family only right down the road but in another school district and tha was for about a year and since then she has never been better that was about 5 or 6 years ago.

I mean at that age they become more independent and have more troubles at school with either frineds or boyfrineds and they take it out on thier family. Some children do it because they know it will anger thier mom or dad. And some kids are mad about step parents. Talking to them helps but having someone close to them talk to them usually hits better.

Answer 9

I have a 6th grader as well and I have noticed the same thing this year. It is amazing how drastic the change is from 5th to 6th grade. What you are doing is good, but I don't think that there is anything that will completly stop the "mouth". Eventually, it will change and she will get tired of all of the extra chores-or a smack in the mouth.

Something else that you can try is to ground her and keep her away from the things that she likes to do.

Good luck.

Answer 10

Well i am 12 year old girl who in 6 grade and if i talked like that and was mean all the time i would be in major trouble!! Last week i disrespect my momma bad when we were out shopping and i got punished bad when i get home, and after that a lot of talking about why she had 2 punish me. It sucked but i learned!!