Do I Always Have to Back Up My Wife?

Question

Do I always have to back up my wife?

She often gets in stupid arguments and disagreements with people. I usually try to avoid conflict if I can, or try to deal with it so that no one has to lose face. She can get angry at people over the smallest things, and can be very confrontational with them.

I find this very uncomfortable and embarrassing. Clearly, I'm not going to stand around and let someone treat my wife badly, but honestly, most of the time she could have avoided these problems. She is extremely sensitive to anything that she perceives as criticism.

. I've told her how uncomfortable I am with conflict. I also feel like one day someone is going to get violent with me because of my wife's behavior.

If I back her up, doesn't that send the message that her behavior is ok? If I don't back her up, am I being a bad husband?

Answer 1

In public you always have to back up your wife. She is your wife!!

In private you can tell her to stop getting in the stupid arguments and disagreements. Avoiding conflict with others by not backing her up will start conflicts with her.

It is a no win situation. She must change this habit but if she feels you aren't on her side then she isn't likely to. (she will keep testing you)

Seriously suggest counselling to her to let her know you are serious and you love her but that this behaviour has to stop.

Good Luck.

Answer 2

This is a tough questions to answer. I believe that you as the husband need to support your wife in every manner. Defending her in a matter that is well deserved. Of course you will always protect her from harm or undeserved conflict, but as it seems she brings this apon her self. This is where she has to be held responsbile for her own actions. If she caused the problem then she is the only one responsible to finish what she started. If I was a male and my wife did as yours does, I would stand back and not get involved unless it threatened her or my family. She will be the one that has a gulity heart and mind over what she does, and that should not be put on you. Stand back and let her fight her own battles that she starts, if her mouth is big enough to start it, then let her mouth finish it. You stand back and even though you feel embaressed, ashamed, or that you are not doing your job as a husband you also have to remember that she is also not respecting you as her husband and as a man because she brings conflict and disrespect into your home, life and even into your own private emotional and phyical relationship with each other. I hope this will help a bit. Take care

Answer 3

Your wife isn't too sensitive or she wouldn't continue to have these confrontations. You need to distance yourself away from her when she is out. She needs to have someone get back in her face and tell her how rude she is. You should not be the one bailing her out of these situations. There is one thing to stand up for your wife if someone insults her, but when she is the one initiating the arguement then she deserves what she gets. I would make her aware that you will not go out with her anymore until she gets this problem under control. It might do her good to have go out into the world by herself. Just so you know, your wife needs to be knocked off her high horse. The last thing people want is someone getting all stupid about the littlest things. Good luck.

Answer 4

Your wife sounds like a girl I used to know. She would go out with her guy and start fights for no reason and expect him to go out and do something to whomever to "prove his love for her." To me that is so lame and you should not be put in the middle of a situation that she caused. Ordinarily I would say you back your spouse in all situations no matter what because you gave your vow of forsaking all others but this is different. When someone has a personality disorder as seems to be the case with your wife (I am just guessing) she is the one who needs to seek professional help to deal with her anger so she does not put you in a precarious situation. The tricky part is for her to see that she is the one with the problems rather than the rest of the world. Perhaps you could tell her that you need to seek marriage counseling together because you feel you need to strengthen the relationship. Do not take no for an answer. That way you do not make her feel like something is directly wrong with her and you may be able to get the answers you are looking for. If she gets confrontational in the therapists office that is a place where they expect it to happen...and they could even steer her toward a therapist for herself eventually. Good luck!

Answer 5

Yes it does!! And no you wouldnt be a bad husband if u didnt back her up. You have 2 consider both you and her safety and that is the safest way to do it is to let it go!!!
Its not worth getting hurt over nothing!! Ive seen it happen!! Im an islander and Ive seen it done.They think with their fists 1st instead of walking away and you dont want u or your wife to be the ones that are getting hurt!! You have 2 talk 2 her about it again and make her see u dont like the way she is or even get some professional help!! Be safe!!!

Answer 6

I can fully comprehend the situation your wife is directly & indirectly dragging you into, such embarassing attitude is emotionally draining on you.

It makes you think while within the neigbourhood that neighbours are pointing fingers at you saying ".....look at the husband of the uncultured/freeky woman". I really feel for you.

We do occassionally get acquianted with adult friends who are childish in behaviour; but this isn't your case.....yours is a "TILL DEATH DO US PART". An adult exhibiting absolute immatured behaviour of a troublesome child; whom through her actions brings herself & those connected to her to ridicule.

You guys will suggest going to talk to a Counsellor who is a total stranger....but in my culture here [Nigeria], this isn't popular. Rather, i'll suggest you discuss the issue with a respectable adult member of your or her family [whom you both hold in high esteem]; let this person talk sense into her.

You seem a complete gentleman of peace & good nature; your children must not take this bad trait from their mum. Act fast!. That's why you are the head of the family. Good luck.

Answer 7

Sounds like your wife needs some anger management courses. Or at least some counseling to find out why she is so confrontational. Someday it's going to get you or her into a situation that you can't get out of.

Answer 8

Back her up.But make sure that if she's wrong let her know. Just because she's your wife doesn't mean you have to give up what you believe in. Your a bad husband only if you don't explain to her what you want and how you feel.

Answer 9

Keep in mind, your wife is a fully functioning adult, responsible for her own choices. Same goes for you. So, just as it's her decision to argue about little things, it's your decision whether or not you want to back her up. Bad husband, good husband, who gives a rat's ***. Do what you feel is right.

Answer 10

In a way, yes. In your case, you need to try to diffuse the situation without undermining her or making her feel that you are against her. Then, in private, after she has calmed down, you can quietly tell her how you feel. It sounds like you are doing exactly this already.

You have to continue this until you can steer her into an anger management class or therapy. You should probably start "steering" soon - very soon.

If she asks why you always support her, just say, "That's my job, to make you feel safe and loved." Then say, "And, it's my job to tell you the truth when we're alone."