How do I mend a broken heart?

Question

In April my husband of 27 years told me that he had met someone else and he left me next day. He met her on a training course in February and says she then started to e-mail him and they just fell in love. He slept with her twice - she is single and early forties. I am 47 and he is 48. I have devoted my whole life to this man and bringing up my family who are now away at college. He says I was a good wife and he just wants me to get better and be happy but doesn't seem to understand he broke my heart. I am dying of loneliness and don't know what will become of me. Despite all I still love him but he is living with her now and doesn't want to come back. I feel so inadequate. How can I get over this?

Thank you all so much for your support. I have had counselling, the makeover etc etc. People tell me I look better than I have in years. The hardest part is that we really did have a good relationship for all those years. For about 6 months before he had been behaving a bit strangely - preening around, working out etc but I thought it was just an age thing. Every time I see him he bursts into tears. He says he still has feelings for me but he couldn't help himself and he stays in touch, has been brilliant about money etc. I am utterly confused. I know in my heart that he isn't worth it but this was such a shock.

Answer 1

I know that terrible gut feeling that stops you eating sleeping and even thinking straight and I feel so sorry for you. I had forgiven my first husband several affairs,divorced him, re-married him and divorced him yet again for the same reason, infidelity
I divorced him,not because I didn't love him,but because I did,the pain living with his infidelity was unbearable, I had to get out before it destroyed me I was suicidal,with absolutely no confidence,that's why I had put up with the situation for so long.
The funny thing was,as soon as I started to have a relationship with someone,he was so jellous,I was shocked,he was now chasing me.
It's such a long story I can't go into it now,but as another Yahoo member has stated,get yourself back to where you were when you first met him.I mean with your self confidence,make the best of what you have,there really are some nice fellas out there,who possibly feel the same as you.Men get dumped too.
If you sit back crying and let yourself go,it will only confirm in his own mind that he did the right thing by leaving.You will probably have to have some contact with him over the years to come,as you have had his children so there will always be a bond between you.Your forty seven, you have many years in front of you,I know it's hard to look at things as others see them,when it's your feelings that are involved.
Thousands of women are left in your position every day,some go down,but most survive.Be one of those survivors for yourself and your children.Make a point of getting out,see your friends join a club,go linedancing,do anything that will get you in touch with others,go to colledge yourself,there are lots of adult education courses which are mixed.Don't give in ,try and look at the situation.You are now in a position to have a change of partner,as did he.You might then find out, that perhaps you were both in a rut, you know what they say "a change is as good as a rest",so go for it girl and I mean girl the average age for women dying now is 81 with a bit of luck,so you've got thirty odd years left yet.Go enjoy youself,there is'nt a man walking that's worth all those tears,and heartache.Show him your a survivor and that it's his loss not yours.(At least you have the remote control for once) that surely has to be a bonus. Anyway, good luck,be strong,and enjoy the rest of the life god gave you,there are millions in the cemetary who would be only too willing to come back here,even if they were in your position,so treat it as it is, another chance, and do yourself a favour,DON'T have him back,too much water will have passed under the bridge,you might forgive him but you will never forget that he broke the vows you took in front of god and you will always picture him with the other person,and feel that he's only with you because he could'nt have her.Never be second best, we all deserve more. Good luck.You can and owe it to yourself to be happy again,think of the people who lay dying every day and who would give anything for another chance at life, even if it were yours!

Answer 2

I'm so sorry to hear this you are not inadequate you didnt change he has changed, his feelings have changed this sounds like he has made one big mistake give him time he will see this, people are different when they start to live together you see all there faults after 27 years he is set in his ways, he will be the looser out of this not you.
Go out there and start to enjoy yourself again after being a couple for 27 years it will feel different but you will meet nice people and make new friends, you will move on and one day you will look back and realise it was maybe for the best, things happen beyond our control, when one door closes another door opens take the first step out the open door and see where it leads you, our life reads like a book, every chapter is a new chapter, you are starting a new chapter, take care and i wish you success and happiness take care .

Answer 3

I don't think any one can understand the pain involved in this sort of situation. My first wife left me after 9 years of marriage, I found out later she had become a 'Royal Navy Bike'. (I pity any wife of a sailor who believes her husband is faithful). The pain really was physical. I lost weight, couldn't eat or sleep. But as the man said, time heals. The thing is there's no going back, don't let this man crush you. It wasn't the other persons fault either. If he had really loved you the situation would not have arisen. It's very, very hard but you have to start again, remember you are a person, and deserve happiness. Keep on in there! I met some one else, and we have been married 20 years, and have 2 wonderful sons I wouldn't have had if I had stayed married to my first wife.

Answer 4

The best way to mend a broken heart is to give it away. Get involved in some volunteer effort that is helping other people. Little kids, elderly folks, women in need: you have a lot of choices. Do this through a church or community agency. Start to feel how much of a difference you can make and how your love is changing lives. Value yoursaelf for that. Feel what it is like to be alive and understand that you are worthy of love.

Answer 5

you have asked the comparable question the Bee Gees did in a track: "How do you mend a broken heart? How do you stop the rain from falling down? How do you stop the sunlight from shining? What makes the worldwide bypass around?" I first discovered to be honest approximately why the relationship did not paintings. I attempt to not concentration on what became into lost or what went incorrect. I keep in mind the valuable. And forgive the damaging. I keep in mind love is a raffle, and that i will merely play the hand i've got been dealt. i don't assign blame, I alibi. I remind myself of the sturdy features, for the two one human beings. I set valuable objectives, and paintings to attain them. Be valuable, not vindictive. And admit the blunders you have made. And assign blame to your self first. once you have finished berating your self you may start on your ex. in view that that's not a technique to convey exhilaration on your heart you mostly won't end. It took a pair of emotional beat downs for me to verify this, yet this does paintings

Answer 6

i just can`t imagine how u must be feeling right now. do u have any friends that can keep u company? i can`t believe how hurtful people can be. i`m so against affairs just for the sheer devastation they can cause. my only advice is get ur friends around. find someone to talk to. it helps a little but i know its no consulation. i think ur amazing for devoting 27 years to one person and he`s an idiot for not seeing this. try be strong for urself and ur family. it`s such a shame ur children are away at college right now as i bet u need them now more than ever. try not to feel that u are inadequate because ur not. i`m ashamed to say that lots of men think wiv wots inside their trousers and are blind to the hurt they can cause. not all men are like that. it`s easy for people here to suggest wot u should do and i can understand how hard that will be for u to put into practice. don`t stay indoors too much. try getting out even if u don`t feel like it. ur a very very strong woman to devote 27 years to ur family. wiv that in mind i know u have the guts to carry on devoting ur life to ur children. things will get better for u but unfortunately it will take time. ur body and mind are in shock and it will take time for the shock to diminish. try keep going forward and don`t allow urself to go backwards. i`m so sorry for wot ur going through. u know u got us lot here too to help. i just want u to know ur not on ur own

Answer 7

Oh baby. I know how you feel. I have been through this too with my ex-husband. We did not have the love that you have but I have also been through something simular with my curent husband and it really hurt. I know the staying in your rrom crying it out untill you come out looking like a zombie and all the uncontrolible fellings that go along with it. The feling of jelousy, betrail, inadicuite, anger and that I feeking of I have died. It will get better baby. It will. I bought a book to help me get through it. I know it is for those who stay in their relationships, but the emotional part will help you. It is called how to survive an affair by frank gunzburg. It will help it really will. I really feel for you and I know you have more inlikely be up hours trying to find anything to sooth the pain. Try the book it will take the pain and help you get through it.

Answer 8

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Answer 9

I don't really have any particular answer for you, because I think other people have made some great suggestions and you should follow them up.

I just wanted to let you know I'm sympathetic to your plight, and how you are feeling. You're feeling inadequate because you feel he never really valued you - which is why you SHOULD pick yourself and get out there and get useful to others, because you sound like someone who has a lot to give.

Answer 10

Stop blaming yourself and feeling inadequate I'm so sorry that this has happened to you BUT you must carry on and try to get out and make new friends because the alternative doesn't bare thinking about.