patterns of abuse?

Question

I not only have a pattern of abuse i have the same pattern. I dont know what to do. The first year is lovely, but gradually they stop me seeing my friends and things and then the next year or two is hell. My boyfriend now is doing the same things. even though he doesn't like it, my last boyfriend didn't like doing it either. They control, manipulate, then it gets physical. my first bf made me lose a baby. how to i break the pattern???

Answer 1

I think that I can help. I was in an abusive relationship for over 7 years. I was more emotionally abused than physical. My ex-husband thrived on tearing me down to build himself up. Of course it didn't start that way. These are some warning signs that I should have seen right from the start but didn't.

My top list of Tell tale abuser signs

1) How does he treat his momma or other women in his life? If he speaks to them or treats them like trash, he will eventually treat you that way.

2) Does he hold down a steady job? When I first met my ex, I didn't know it at the time but he was living off of credit cards and selling drugs. I ended up having to support him over a seven year period while he layed on the couch all day.

3)Is he clingy? Does he want to take up every second of your time and get upset when you want to spend time with others? This is a sure sign of a control freak.

4) Is he persistent when he wants his own way? An overly persistent man is a man who is very unpredictible when he doesn't get what he wants. Trust me after 3 broken windshields and 4 slashed tires I know.

Watch for these warning signs and be on alert. I know that you say that the first year is lovely. But don't be blinded by love, keep your eyes open and watch him in his element. During the first year, even if he doesn't treat you like #1-4, he may be treating others this way.

I can tell you why I was sucked into this bad relationship and stayed there for soooo long. This may help you. I actually felt like I needed somebody (even if that somebody treated me like crap). Somewhere deep inside of me, I didn't think that I could live alone or be alone.
**You must find yourself before you get involved with anyone.**
Know who you are, what your goals in life are, what your plans are. Then when you meet someone, if they don't line up; Don't take it any further.
Don't change who you are to accomodate someone else. Your soul mate is out there. He was made just for you and he will line up with who you are. Your plans will line up with his plans. What you want in your future will line up with what he wants. Be patient and He will come!

And as for the boyfriend you have now, ditch him and ditch him fast. My ex was a-l-w-a-y-s trying so hard and said that he hated being bad to me. If he hated it so much then why couldn't he control his mouth or his hand? This person will try every way in the world to make you feel sorry for him and make you wonder if maybe you might have deserved that last slap in the face or harsh word. Well guess what no one deserves to be treated that way. Go get a restraining order if you have to and get away from him. Don't entertain looking back (it will only cause you pain down the road). Don't let him apologize his way back in or talk you into believing that he will change. These type of people most of the time do not change. They do not know how to love someone. All they know is manipulation and control.

Find out who you are before you become involved with anyone else and your prince charming will come. My ex-husband always told me that no one would ever want me because I had two kids with him. Well guess what, I found that man of my dreams who loves my two boys like his own!

Good luck to you. You can break that pattern!

Answer 2

A better question is why are you attracted to these types? What are the fundamental patterns in them that attract you? I would suggest the book: "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives!"
http://www.drlaurashop.com/product.php?id=41

One of the first things you might look at is how a male was raised. Males who were violent toward women were raised only by a mother in 80% of the cases. And Yes, with the occasional violent boyfriend, but the mother was the main influence. Children of intact families don't have these kind of problems, but there is a problem there. The birth rate of male children has dropped dramatically in the last 30 years, with 55-75% being born to single mothers. This is creating a significant shortage of available and decent men. If a turnaround doesn't take place soon, in 20 years, pluralistic families may become the norm,

Answer 3

You initially want to be controlled by a man but in a gentlemanly way, the way men used to be before they became irrelevant due, in this country, to the institution of welfare, food stamps and full sympathy for the single mother. Problem is, these perps are looking for needy, idealistic women who easily fall under their manly spell. You are doomed to keep repeating the pattern until possibly you are critically injured or murdered.
I assume you have been in therapeutic conseling. If so, you did not participate because you have learned nothing. The thing that stops us from benefiting from counseling is that the goal of the therapy is to stop us from doing what we do and replace it with responsible behavior. But we don't want to stop doing it, whether it is drugs, booze, harmful sex or wild, uninhibited sex with an exciting man who tends to get too rough. One who gets rougher and more demanding each encounter. But, being needy and dependent, the woman or girl ratchets up her own resigned excitement, even though she is scared, because to do otherwise not only would really piss him off but also maybe bring the excitement to a quick end. It's all pschological and we cannot be our own therapist. A good therapist (ask others, take the free 10 minute interview to see if you can establish a relationship w/ the therapist in front of you) IS the answer. There are no alternatives. And all pleasure and all pain ends anyway, so why not face the fact and cut it off now?

Answer 4

Get to your local Domestic Violence Coalition. You can talk to women (and men) who saw themselves in untenable situations and were baffled about how they got there. Maybe they can help you see where you go wrong. The guy you choose, the power of decision making you give up, etc..

Often victims of domestic violence are repeating a situation over and over because somehow they think they can change the outcome the next time. Also, you become addicted to the adrenaline rush. If drama isn't surrounding you already you'll create it or just write a nice guy off as boring.

Don't be a boiled frog....if you want to boil a frog you can't toss him into boiling water, he'll just jump out. But if you place him in tepid water and slowly turn up the heat you'll have boiled frog. The frog ends up in a situation he never would have willingly stayed in if he'd seen it coming. Sometimes the violence begins with such small incidents that before you know it you are in a spot you never would have chosen. You're a boiled frog.

Good luck and get help for yourself and your future children.

Answer 5

you may be attracted to a person who appears strong enough to support you but really is only appearing that way because they are weak and in fact need someone to boss around,,,take your relationships SLOWLY,get support from friends and family,,you know you cannot judge so allow others to help you,,trust they at least want the best for you and if the signs start to show in your new boyfriend,,end it,,you know exactly where it leads,,you would be doing yourself a favor in the long run and your self-respect wont end up so low you have no fight left in you,,taking control like this will boost your self-esteem and help you break your pattern,,it can and on many occasions has been done and i know not one of those people who have come through this will say you are doing the right thing staying under these conditions.these men are weak bullies who want you to have no one to support you and point out their insecurities but they have no right to impose their views or lack of self-worth on you!

Answer 6

Why don't you stop picking the same type of guys. It's obvious that your picking the same type of men when it comes to relationships. You have to stop this pattern and try picking a different type of guy, otherwise your going to always be unhappy in your relationships and you will never have a good man. You don't deserve to put yourself through this over and over. Life doesn't last us forever. Make the most of it now and take hold of yours and make a change for the better. You will sorely regret it if you don't.

Answer 7

To break the pattern-quit dating for a while until you are confident of being on your own. It is called growing up and thinking better of yourself; respect begins at you...Make a guy date you for you and get the manipulation issue at the front of a relationship if things would progress. I would put barriers up or flag behaviors that would send a message to brain that this guy is not right for me. It is one thing for a guy to say, I like you in long hair style; it is another for a guy to watch every strand get cut/styled at a beautyshop as controlling...
You need to go to abuse support meetings for a period of time or take classes in communication (interpersonal...)
You sound young

Answer 8

Get some help from a battered women's group.
You will learn a lot of important thing, not the least of which are:

1) You are mistaking "Danger Sense" for passion
2) You should do the choosing instead of letting them choose you. (This happens when you just get involved with the first guy that comes along who shows any interest instead of going on a couple of dates before deciding if he measures up to some "standards" you have decided on beforehand.
3) Get a life and stop looking for a guy to give one to you. You can be independent and strong, or you can be needy and weak.Ultimately it is YOU who makes the decision, and it is you AND YOUR CHILDREN who will have to live with it.

Good Luck Sweetie

Answer 9

sometimes you start seeing someone when your not ready. do you really know yourself, know what type of person you are looking for. it is never your fault remember that. try being single for awhle treat yourself to the things you was wanted to do or go places you always wanted. when i said do you know yourself i mean do you know what type of person you are, are you a out going person, a shy person.
most of the time shy people are the people who end of with guys like this. they know you dont stand up for yourself and they can tell that you will let them walk all over you.
take a look in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve more. you are a great person. name some of the things you like about yourself (i know tht sounds stupid but it works). if you cant think of anything dont be in a relationship i know its lonely but you need to do it for yourself. remember you are the number 1 person in your life and you dont eva want any children to grow up with a father that does that as they will grow up thinking that is the right way to treat a female.
so what im saying is make sure you know who you are and you like yourself and you should stop getting them d**khead guys
i wish you the best of luck and remember you are a strong beauitful women that has there life ahead of them and they dont need a guy to get anywhere or feel compete. YOU WILL BE FINE

Answer 10

You are attracted to the same type of individual over and over! Look for signs, is he wanting to be with you all the time from the minute you meet? Are you friends and family important to him? Watch for signs from the beginning,listen to things they say, ask questions about there past relationships. People tell you alot about themselves and their past when they talk, if you'll just listen!