Unhappy relationships?

Question

I've been with my partner for 4 yrs almost & we've certainly had our ups & downs, we have 3 lovely children together but I'm not happy. Splitting up with him would mean my children miss out on precious times with their dad, obviously they would still see him but not as much. I don't trust him, I never have but that was down to me as I got very insecure whilst pregnant with our first child & it just hasn't gone away.

Has anyone else been in the same situation or are in this situation now? I don't know whether to give it a go or just cut our losses now, we would still be friends if we were to split!

He's never done anything to make me doubt him, as I said it was down to me. Things went back to normal after I had my 1st child & we got pregnant again this time with twins & the insecurities came back.

If you've ever been pregnant you will know that it makes you feel ugly & unworthy of any man, that's how I felt both times.

He doesn't put me down, he tries to make me feel better about myself. Sometimes we'll go days having a laugh then out of nowhere an argument errupts over nothing & what bothers me a lot is that he'll walk away, he won't stay & talk.

I do love him & I know he doesn't want the relationship to end, he told me just this morning.

If I'm perfectly honest I've lost all interest in sex as most mornings I'm up before 6 with the kids & running round like a mad woman all day after them, they're 2 & 10 months so by the time they're in bed I'm half asleep!

Answer 1

hun, i really really feel for you for the situation you are in.

i felt very similar in the first year of my marriage, nothing had happened but it just all started looking very doom and gloom and we were thatclose to splitting up. but somehow we decided to give it a go and you know what ? i thank God every single minute of my life that i did give it a go because i realised in the last 3 years just how much i love him and that i wouldnt want to be with anyone else.

listen, try this coz it worked for me, and i really hope it works for you:

is there family or friends who could baby sit your kids for a day or two ? let them.

give yourself some time alone, clear your head, sit in a quiet bright room and think back in time.

take a piece of paper write down all the feelings you have been getting recently - why you feel insecure, why you feel the way you do, what makes you feel sad, what behaviors or words make you feel like you want to split ?

write them down - you dont have to show it to anyone, its only FOR YOU.

now, after you have done that, take another paper and and think of the times the moments that you will never forget about your partner.
write down a list of all those moments - the first time you kissed, the first date, the first night together, the first time you cooked him a meal, the first time you held his baby in your arms, everything that he does that makes you smile, makes you happy, makes you feel that you love him.

see which list is bigger and which list is the closest to your heart. after you have done this, read them again and rethink about you two.

talk to your partner - no matter what you think, he needs to know whats on your mind, he needs to know how you are feeling - you need to tell him that recently you have been getting these low feelings and if there are things he can do / say to reassure you that everything is going to be fine, i am sure he will...

your case is very touching coz there are children involved. TRUST ME, there are guys out there who cheat on their pregnant wives, and do all sorts of nasty stuff, your bloke hasnt done any of that - and those wives still try and make it work. you know why ? coz there are kids involved. Kids suffer a hell lot when their parents split and wherever possible, couples with kids should not let that happen to them.

This is my advise to you - with all my heart - if you really feel that there is even a 1% chance of making this relationship work with your partner, please go for it, for the sake of your children.

good luck and write more if you feel like.

:-) i wish you all the best and hope you give this a try.....

Answer 2

My biggest concern is why the mistrust? Did he do anything to make u mistrust him? If trust was an issue why not deal with it back then? Its something that should be talked about.

The fact that you are thinking about the consequences of a split tells me that you are certain about being without him. It will get shitty because most break ups do.

Being friends? Well yes that would be good but if the split is not mutual he wont want to be on friendly terms.If you had one child and felt insecure, why then go onto having 2 more?

I would go to relate first before embarking on a break up, and like you said the children will be affected by the decision you make.

Answer 3

You have my sympathies for being in such a dilemma after only 4 years of marriage..

There isn't much people can say ,because we're only getting your side of story and to be honest there are always 2 sides..
Your self confidence and self esteem seems to have taken a knock whilst being pregnant which is most likely the root cause of your anxiety!,

I think the root of your problem is to get your hubby to talk about the problems that you are facing!, in the end though if you cant sort out the difficulties then its best to separate to see if absence makes the heart grow fonder.. if it does then get back together, if it doesn't then divorce.. There is no point staying together for the children's sake.. good luck!

Answer 4

It sounds like you are just depressed. I know for the first 2 years after I had my daughter I was horribly depressed and still have issues with it. It's caused problems with my marriage too. Really just give it some time and maybe go to a counselor. You don't want to lose your man over your hormones being out of whack or being overly tired and not thinking straight. Good luck! ;-)

Answer 5

that is a very touching story and i think that you are only going to get the answers from yourself. Just think if it can get better can you see yourself another 4 years down the line in the park pushing your kids on the swing if you can stick with him try your hardest, But don't think you have to do it on your own talk to him about it too, If he feels like it is time to finish do it the best way possible and try not to hurt your kids. Best of luck i hope everything works out for you.

Answer 6

Cut your losses. Your kids will pick up on your bad feelings and it won't do them any good. If you're worried about the kids missing him them sort it out so he's not far away (get a nearby house or flat so that he can pop in and see them or even just move to the spare room if you can deal with living together but not be together.

Answer 7

maybe spend a weekend together alone without the children would work to get the spark back? but if you're not happy anymore its best to be alone the with someone you are not going to be happy with. life is short and in that short time we have why be unhappy? the children will be unhappy too if both of you are unhappy . and yes you can be friends even if you two split. just be civil about things and it will work for you, him and the children.take care and good luck.

Answer 8

hi, first of all i would go and see the doctor maybe you have post natal depression or depression of some sort, then i would try marriage counciling for the pair of you, maybe time away from the kids for a night to get to know each other agin would be good to, but still after all this if you feel the same then walk away your kids will miss their dad but it is better than them watching you and your husband living seperate lives and start to argue....good luck i hope everything works out for you

Answer 9

Walk now while you can remain friends. I kept trying with my hubby for 28yrs...we split up a year ago and it has been very bitter and nasty. I wish I had walked away years ago when we could have remained friends. My kids don't even see him now. It's better for the kids to have him part time than not at all. Good luck and be happy.

Answer 10

I was in a similar situation with my ex-wife and we did try to give it a go etc. but it wasn't working and we called it quits before it got ugly. We are still friends and I get to see my kids whenever I want and I have a real good friend to talk to and vice versa. Do whatever you feel is right.