What would your advice be for this Marital situation?

Question

I'll keep this description short, in point form...

This man is leaving his wife of 6 years.
They have a 2 year old son.
The man has multiple disabilities.
He says that his wife is no longer interested in him.
He wanted her the way she was before their son was born.
She is a very focused person.
Before the child was born, all her focus was on him.
Now, all her focus is on the boy.
People say the man is a very difficult person to live with, requiring a lot of attention.

I have my own ideas, but I would like to get other people's perspectives on this situation.

Thanks

Answer 1

It's obviously difficult to be certain without asking more questions but based on the information you have given, here's my considered opinion, and it contains a huge "BUT" at the end...

1."This man IS leaving his wife.." - the deal is done. A number of psychological phases of a process such as this have already passed and it appears a decision has been made. It is significant that the man has taken the step of leaving the wife, particularly in light of his disabilities, of which we do not have details. This suggests that the man is comfortable with his ability to survive without the wife.

2. It appears that the wife's needs from the relationship were met by fulfilling those of the husband, now the husband has been replaced by the son, she has no further need for the husband in its bluntest terms. The wife, if she has a say in the future of this relationship must examine what it is she needs from it.

3. It can be extremely difficult to "look after" two other humans yet this appears to be the wife's role in the family. I have seen a woman who's husband was autistic then give birth to a child who was also autistic. Now, 20 years later, the woman has two adults on her hands who have developed a belief that their care is the woman's only reason to be. This is grossly unfair on the woman and a trap she could all too easily fall into. And it brings me to the BUT, or rather, UNLESS...

4. Unless the child has or could develop disabilities such as the father. In this case, the care of the child could be for life, the child could become the husband-figure in her world which is dangerous and professional care may need to be considered regardless or probably especially if the husband remains needy. However, one could say that it is more vital that a father remains in the family and attempts to fulfil more of a father's role. The danger of NOT doing so could prove very damaging to the young child, who may feel that the father left because of the child's disability and that the disability is therefore a weakness and a fault of the child.

In jotting these notes down, it becomes apparent to me that if the father is to remain in the family, and he has a certain amount of control over his disabilities (enough to allow him to leave at will), then he has a moral duty to behave as much like a father, at least in terms of psychological maturity, as any other able-bodied, or -minded father should. It is no longer time for him to demand all the attention without fair consideration of what the wife or child wants out of a family environment. If he is unable to offer this commitment to a family then I do not see how his current role in the future of that family would benefit anyone involved, and the wife should let him go.

Ta da! We get there in the end.

Answer 2

It always strikes me as sad that so many couples have a child and make the kid number1 . The kid had a couple of parents before and really needs a couple to raise him now. The trouble is the focus has changed and they forget to be a couple first and the marriage falls apart. They kid will grow up and move out but there is no longer a couple at home.

Children should not come first. They need to be a part of a working relationship. The relationship needs some fine tuning afterward but needs to be maintained not abandoned.

There are a lot of undercurrents about the attitude toward marriage here but ultimately it revolves around how they view the changes they brought on themselves.

Answer 3

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Answer 4

Hi Dear

This situation relates to the possessiveness of the Male, who is supposedly blessed with multiple disability. The wife need to act smart.

In spite of her husband's disability, the wife should share the responsibility of nurturing the baby with her husband, which will bring him into picture.

Though, this might be a solution, it is the smartness of the wife that can handle the situation.

luv

Benny

Answer 5

some men just can't handle sharing attention with a child. the wife should seperate from him until he gets some needed help if he has disabilities he might be depressed from the stress of that and might feel he can't do anything for the two year old so he takes it out of his wife and after he sees if he needs help they can try joint counsling and if that don't work they need to go there seperate ways a two year old doesn't need a father in his life that is jealous of him being born.

Answer 6

You say he wants her to be the same as she was before their child was born. Impossible, isn't it. Before the child was born she wasn't a Mother and was able to focus a great deal of attention on her partner. Now she is a Mother, and if this is her first child she will probably be feeling overwhelmed by the experience, not to mention extremely busy so she is never going to be the same person. She is going to be busier, more occupied with bringing up the the child, seeing to it's welfare and happiness.
Perhaps the Father ought to be thinking more of the child than of himself and his own bruised ego

Answer 7

He sounds very selfish and actually jealous of the attention his wife is giving their child, maybe she is better off without him and she concentrate bring the child up in a nice environment and not feel guilty giving her son the love and attention he needs she probably get more pleasure looking after her son more than her husband Is he leaving so he can go find another carer for him who can give him 24/7 attention he wants. he sounds like the baby.

Answer 8

A young child requires alot of attention. Sounds to me like the baby and the spouse who has challenges are overwhelming for both of them. If you are a friend you might offer to babysit so they can go out for a nice dinner or possibly during the day so they can both get out and share some "them" time. If his disabilities are such that they are limited to what they can do maybe it might be time to get someone to come in on a regular basis to help with the baby. I applaud your concern and care for whomever this is.

Answer 9

It sounds fairly typical. A lot of men have issues when their wives have babies and take the attention off them. It's not right, he's being immature and self-centred, but if he can't change the way he sees things, then it doesn't matter who i sbeing reasonable or unreasonable- they can't be happy. I'd hope that they tried marital counselling first, to see if they could start to understand each other's needs a bit better. But ultimately, if he is never going to be the "family man" type they will be better off apart.

Answer 10

This bloke needs to accept that a 2 yr old child needs one heck of a lot of attention, leaving the mrs tired and in need of some attention herself. It must be hard for her living with 2 children demanding attention - Tell him to Grow Up!