Lost my son, very depressed and need help?

Question

Last year on Christmas eve I lost my son to divorce. He was taken away by his father and I have not been able to see him since because I had to move away. Before that I was a full time stay at home mom. I don't have much money, but I am working on getting a lawyer to change the custody agreement, I don't even get to see him for holidays, I can only talk to him on the phone, he's four. The only reason I lost him was because I had no money to fight my ex in court.
Until I can find a lawyer I need to help myself get out of this depression. I miss my son so much. It feels like he died. I talk to him on the phone and I can't stop crying. I cry at least 2 hours everyday, but it is usually more, especially at night. I hate myself so much for losing my son. I hate myself for not being able to fight for him. I don't have any insurance to go to therepy, and my household makes too much money for government support. I need a support group or some one proffesional to talk to. Any advice would help

Answer 1

First off I want you to try and feel better about yourself. You have to consider that you are not the only one in your position and that there are things that you can do. You have to try and pull your self together because the last thing you want to do is appear unstable enough for a visit with your son. Look at your options..can you be provided with free legal aid? Could you represent yourself in court? I mean your description was heart warming and detailed. Is your ex-husband able to reason wiht you if you speak to him?
Custody battles never tend to be about the child, but rather 'getting the last say and victory in the battle'. I went online and did some research as it turns out there's a lot of people who feel the same way you did. A mother's love is unconditional andI'm sure your boy feels just as strongly as you as long as you resonate your love to him throught those phonecalls he should stay fresh in your heart and vice versa.

This website offers counselling and advice to parents going through divorce battles, and losing a child to custody, they also offer advice on deprerssion regarding legal woes and fees.

Are you stressed out by .....
the rising cost of legal fees that are associated with your divorce and custody battle?

the emotional roller coaster ride of your separation, divorce and custody battle?

the guilt and upset you feel for your children because of your divorce?

coping with your children's reaction to your divorce while you are trying to manage your own feelings?
http://www.reenasommerassociates.mb.ca/

here you can search for a lawyer that will give you free advice consultation in your area:
http://www.divorcelawfirms.com/Divorce-FAQ.cfm

Another one i thought might help was depression meetup. It's a good way for you to vent with other people who you might be able to relate to and seek out advice:
http://depression.meetup.com/

Then I saw a site that offers free legeal advice. http://family-law.freeadvice.com/child_custody/

I think that you need to stay strong and assume that things will get better. Get yourself together, possibly find another job or some kind of way to get legal help that won't break your pockets.
Talk to your doctor about the depression.

Hope you feell better and get ytour son back..he really has something many children don't
some inspiration:
When we are angry or depressed in our creativity, we have misplaced our power. We have allowed someone else to determine our worth,?and then we are angry at being undervalued.

With God's help, good cheer permits us to rise above the depressing present or difficult circumstances. It is a process of positive reassurance and reinforcement. It is sunshine when clouds block the light.

Answer 2

Well, you've got alot of responses. Probably none of them are going to make you feel any better. I agree that you should do what ever you can, to get to where he is. Just knowing that you are physically closer to him is going to give you a sense of hope that you desperately need right now. Swallow your pride, get down on your knees or whatever you must do, to get his father to allow you to see him. Whatever circumstances he gives you, accept them, if it means being able to see your son. That is just as important for him now as it is for you. Play your cards carefully. You MUST find the strength to keep yourself together emotionally, no matter what. When you finally have the money to fight for visitation or custody, you will have to appear to the judge, to be a stable person. It is undoubtedly going to take more time than you want it to, but you can do this. If you have to sacrifice anything and everything to achieve this goal, it will be so worth it when it's over. Until then, continue the phone calls. Cherish the sound of his voice, and let it keep you strong. As far as counseling, go find a good pastor. You won't have to pay, and I think it would help you tremendously. I will keep you in my prayers as well. There are alot of people here that will read this, and do the same. Remember we are all thinking positive things for you and wishing you the best. Be strong and never give up.

Answer 3

You got the anniversary of losing him coming up. That is gonna be the bit that hurts most. You are probably american and i couldn't give you the first clue on support groups. Really sorry.
You need to believe in yourself more than anything. And try not to hate yourself. It's about the money and nothing else. And your sanity. Please find the strength somewhere. Like one answerer said, you need jesus. Not where i would go, but i do believe this is one of those times where you will have to either look deep into yourself to find the strength to at least get over christmas or you will have to find solace in religion/spirituality.
Society sucks. I'm lost for words. Take care and be strong for your son. xx

Answer 4

The best thing you can do is be strong for him!
Nurture the hope in yourself that YOU WILL BE WITH HIM AGAIN.

Pray and ask GOD for HIS guidance.
Sometimes we want what WE WANT when we want it, and forget things are done for a purpose.

What if -- your son was with you, and his father went on some crazed vengence and hurt you or him?
What if because your son was with you, something happened to him -- kidnap, molestation, what not

Maybe your son is where he is because thats exactly where he is suppose to be right now. Thats where hes protected.
Its hard...I know it is...BUT wouldnt it be better for you to start doing things that will bring you too together -- or better yet...when you two do come together, dont you want him to see the things youve done for him

Meaning -- you dont have money right now .. well, time to get a job. Heck, for a child, Id scrub floors pick up cans, anything I had to.
And I would write him everyday, adn that writing will help you release your emotions and could in fact be the best therapy you could ever have.
Even if you dont give the letters you write to him right now, you can give them to him one day, and he will see everything youve went through and how much you love him -- when he becomes of age.

Its sad, for my nephews ansd nieces were taken from me, and I had to wait 10 years to be able to tell them how much I loved them. Its sad -- but when you think maybe GOD is doing this for a reason -- and isnt the most important thing he grows up happy, safe, protected?.
In time he will understand what took place, how you didnt just abandoned him and want him, and with the letters you hopefully write he will understand everything about his mother who loves him very very much.

Wish there was more to offer.
Perhaps calling your local hospital and talking with a nurse, maybe someone can point you to a therapist that could listen

But Id say till then..write everything down.
It really does help to get things off your chest.
and when Son reads those words one day...it wil be beautiful

Just know, GOD will protect him...maybe thats what hes doing right now and you cant see it.

Best of luck

Answer 5

Until you find your lawyer, try getting a job as a babysitter. Or try to spend time with children. Get what I mean?

Answer 6

your ex should know that your son will be better with you, if you can, ask him if he thinks you are a good mother, maybe that will help you understand, sadly money gives power, but it will never give love.

Answer 7

i find drugs very helpful.

Answer 8

i am sorry . you need someone to cry on

Answer 9

I think "depression" isn't the word. I think you're grieving. I also think there's something so unnatural about separating a mother and child that until you can be with him you will feel like there's a "psychic pull" going on (a kind of yearning) that will make you feel as if you can think of nothing but him.

Since you say you had to move, I assume it was situation where you went to stay with family? Isn't there a way you can go to the location where your son is (I don't mean the house. I mean the area.) and find an attorney from there? Is there a way you could get a loan and go to that area and set up a little apartment?

First of all, remember that if you are to be the best mother for him you can be (even if you aren't with him) you need to be strong and tough. You need to have it in your mind that you will be an example for him (even if he's not around right now), and that you will work to make the situation better.

Second, although it isn't for me to say "hold off" on finding any therapists (even if you could find a free one), the person you must find first is an attorney. You need to weigh whether signing up for therapy would make you look like you have "mental problems", which could be used against you in future custody hearings. That's why, unless you're really, really, in super-desperate need of therapy, you may want to at least hold off until a lawyer advises you. If you decide on a plan of action it could ease the depression some, and once you start to take action one step at a time that may help too.

If your son is in the same state as you are look on the sites for your state's court system for referral to an attorney who would take the case pro bono. Sometimes the court system has things like "ask a lawyer" once a week or else may show your Bar Association's referral service (if they have one). You can do a search for "low income legal help in Bla Bla, Oh" to see what kind of referral services there are. There may be a legal aid group in your area as well.

Make sure you talk to your son every day. Try to mail him a little something every week (like a coloring book or some stickers). It doesn't have to be much - just keep in touch. Add a note with brightly colored letter, "I Love You, Love, Mommy". Add his name. Those brightly colored, printed, letters will - if nothing else - help him learn a few letters; but, more importantly, he'll be getting a little mail from you frequently. Add a little package of raisins or some kind of treat that is light (cheap to mail) and won't get smooshed.

When you talk to him sound as happy as possible. Tell him you're talking to people to try to get to see him, but sound happy and strong. Ask him about what his day is like. Tell him, of course, you love him so much and want to be with him.

You may want to do a search for "non-custodial parent groups" in your area or even look up a "father's rights" website and e.mail them to request any information about support groups.

So your first step is to find an attorney. That attorney will tell you what you need to be doing. In the meantime, try to find things to keep busy and try to think of nice little ways to keep in touch with your little boy and let him know you're thinking about him. You are his mother, and decide that - if nothing else - you will continue to find ways to be in his life even if not physically.

Whatever you do, don't drink wine or something like that to feel better. That's has the potential of making an alcoholic out of you. If you need to feel calm make some coffee (strange as this sounds), add a load of light cream to it so it is really, really, light; and add a spoon of sugar). It isn't a diet drink, but the combination of ingredients can be calming while also a little uplifting. Tuna salad is also known to help depression. I know these things sound silly, but they can help a little sometimes.

I have no way to know if this was a "legitimate" custody thing (if there was something you may have done that made it right that your husband got custody) or if it was a railroading job done on you; so I don't know whether suggesting you may be able to sue over anything is valid or not. Sometimes there is immunity from suit for judges and some people involved in a custody case, but there is the chance that if you rights were violated and people disregarded your rights that they would be considered as not acting appropriately within the Constitution and could possibly lose their immunity in some cases.

If you were lied about ask a lawer about suing for defammation of character. If someone messed up (a professional) ask about whether you could sue for legal malpractice or negligence. If your parental rights were violated ask if you could sue over that. If, by any chance, you have a lawsuit then you could find an attorney who would take the case on contingency. Some attorneys will give you a free consultation to see if you have a lawsuit against anyone involved or not.

If there is something you did (even some little thing) that caused you to lose custody you do need to find a way to forgive yourself. If you did nothing wrong at all and in no way then the people to hate are the failures in the court system who messed up. Direct your anger at them and try to see if there's a way you can at least file a complaint with the proper authorities.

The big thing - when it comes to surviving this intact - is to realize that you must be strong for your son. Do what you need to do to fight for an improvement in the situation and let him know you're trying as hard as you can.

I don't know what your "household" arrangement is, but talk to an attorney about whether you should be considered a "household of one". See if your state has a low-income health insurance for individuals with limited ability to pay for health insurance. Consider going to a shelter if you have to, and telling them you have no place to live (because you can't stay with whoever it is you're staying with). See if someone associated with a shelter could put you in touch with a lawyer or counselor. I know that sounds drastic, but its a possible option. One of the worst things people can do is be "absorbed" by family so that "the system" will do nothing to help. Twisted as it sounds, a temporary stay at a shelter may actually work better for you.

One thing that will keep you going is if you keep fighting. If one lawyer can't do anything keep looking. Do what you can during the business days (calling people, writing to people, contacting your state representative if you've honestly been victimized without good reason, etc.), and try to find something to keep busy with nights. Draw some cute pictures of kitties or puppies for your son, put a pretty ribbon a lollilop on them, and get them ready to mail. If you need to write to or talk to the ex-husband and just explain, "I want him to know his mother loves him, and I'm going to make sure I can stay in touch with him so he knows that."

I know this may not be what the experts would tell you, but try to numb up and don't think about it as much as possible (nights). If you let yourself get crying it could get to feel as if you won't stop. I hate to say it, but there are times a little numbness is better for you. No matter what anyone does or say, and whether or not you and your son are under the same roof, what you have with him is so strong there is no court system that can weaken that if you don't let them. That's not to say they can't separate you, but if you vow to stay in touch with your son and continue to relate to him as his mother your bond won't weaken. It weakens when parents just give up and accept being separated because its easier.

I wish I had more to offer. My heart goes out to you.

Answer 10

you need jesus