Elderly aunt wishes to move to country?

Question

My aunt who is 87 her dream has always been to live in the country
Iam her, only family member .She is in fair health, lives on a small income, owns her small 1 bedroom house.Has home care twice a week . She lives an hour from me. I call her almost daily and visit her weekly to do errands etc.etc. But she has been begging me to make her dream come true.( for us to buy a house in the country) But due to my oldest child still in school (8th grade) and my husband's job and money situation we find it impossible to relocate.(she will not agree to move away from her area) I love my aunt dearly but trying to explain this all to her, is just impossible. She states she understands, then pressures me even more to move. Her short time memory is failing she at times repeats herself over and over.(which i fully understand this is due to her age) At times i feel so guilty she has never ask much from me now that she has, i have failed her.Am i wrong for not helping her fullfill her wish?

Answer 1

some times you have to be cruel to be kind - as nice as it may be to live in the country there are a lot of things that you or she needs to take into account.. what happens when her health starts to fail.. a trip to the local hospital by cab is going to be so expensive.. will she be able to get to the shops? what happens if she is alone and falls over, how long will it take to get help?

I'm sorry for her but I am 100% on your side with this.. just try taking her for rides in the country once a week

Answer 2

Sara, i dont think you have to feel guilty at all. You are doing the best you can for your aunt at present, as well as coping with your own family.

You say her short term memory is failing, so probably she forgets what she has asked about moving to the country and just asks again.

You know that if you look at it logically, which i,m sure you have done, that even IF you did comply with her wishes and move you might find that she would say things like Why did we move here.... i miss my little house etc etc.

At her age, and as she gets older, she will become more child-like and it is up to you to make the decisions about what is best for ALL of you.

I know how hard all this is - my father died last year aged nearly 92.

You dont want to get yourself into situations that will make your life harder. Inevitably, your aunt will become more frail and need more help. In the country that might be more difficult to find, as well as perhaps making it further from shops and amenties etc. All this is very important when you are coping with an old person.

If i were you, i would just say the same things to her, over and over if need be. Like: Yes, it would be lovely Aunt but you know we cant at the moment cos little xxxx is still at school and husband can't change his job, but soon we will go on a day trip......

You sound a very caring person. Please dont add guilt to your troubles. You are doing the very best you can, and that is good enough. It was up to your aunt to fulfil her dream when she was younger. She didnt, and it is not your fault. My mother, who is 90, always says that she wishes she'd been to Venice and to New Zealand. We, as her daughters, dont feel guilty cos she went to many other places and had the money if she had wanted to go there - she just didnt cos she didnt persuade my father to go and wouldnt go without him. Well that was her decision, and it was your aunts not to move to the country earlier.

Take her on day trips. Buy her books about the aspects of the country she is interested in. By the way, i love in the country and it is not all its cracked up to be sometimes - especially if you are not country born and bred!

Remember to take care of yourself as well as your aunt and your family.

Best wishes,

Faith

Answer 3

There is a big difference between not wanting to fulfill her wish and not being able to. You certainly want to, but you've explained that your current situation will not allow it. Please quit beating yourself up about it. All you can do at this point is to keep caring for her. Since her health is still decent, you may have time to move her yet. Keep your chin up and keep looking for possibilities, but don't make yourself miserable. You can only do what you can do. She is very lucky to have someone who takes such good care of her. Many of the elderly in our country do have that luxury. Good luck to you hon.

Answer 4

please don`t feel bad about not being able to move to the country with your aunt it is obviously not possible due to your home circumstance. maybe you could take her for days out or a holiday in the country.