someone please?

Question

please tell a story thats funny but not gross

Answer 1

he...he...he...he......funny!

Answer 2

Corny, clean, but funny story....

A man has been unemployed for sometime. As is his routine, he is perusing the want ads for a job, when he comes across this description:

Wanted, man of average height who has good performance skills.

The man is interested enough that at 7A.M. the next morning, he is at the address in the paper; it is the city zoo. He is the first in line and gets called into the office first.

The woman behind the desk looks him up and down and says, "I'm sorry. You simply won't do."

The man won't take no for an answer. "Come on!" he asserts himself. "You haven't even given me a try."

"Well, here's the thing," the woman says. "Last week our gorilla died. We can't afford a new one. So we need someone to wear the suit and pretend to be a real gorilla-- and convince the zoo patrons. I'm sorry, but you just won't fit the gorilla suit."

"My wife happens to be a great seamstress," the man replies. "And you will see, I will better than even the real gorilla. Just give me one chance."

"Okay, be here tomorrow morning and we'll see what you have got."

The man goes home and his wife takes his measurements. Meanwhile, he spends the entire evening swinging from the tree in the backyard, swinging while holding a bannana, grunting like an ape, etc.

The next morning he gets to the zoo early, dresses and goes out into the gorilla pen before the visitors arrive. Once people started coming into the zoo, the man began his act.

He swung from branches, ate his bannana with one hand while swinging with the other. He got into his role so much that he over-swung and landed right into the lion's den.

The man immediately began sweating and stammering to himself. All of a sudden the lion took note of him and began to move toward him.

The man began waving his hands wilding and screaming. The lion sudden lept toward him, wrapped his arms around the poor man whispered to him in a stern voice: "Hey! Are you trying to get us all fired!"

Hope is works for you.

Answer 3

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.

Answer 4

There was a blond,brunet,and red on top of a burning building. The f.d. shows up and tells them to jump. the red goes first but the fireamn pull the net back. The brunets next but shes gotten a little testy the firemen assure her they'll catch her. She jumps and they do it again. the blonds next but she puts her foot down and says, "I saw what you did to the other two so put the net down and back away..." lol!

Answer 5

OK. This is a TRUE story that happened to me.

When I was about 10 or 11 my dad, sister and I went on vacation to Colorado. We went to this museum with dinosaurs it it. We where standing in front of the Saber tooth tiger and my dad was right next to me. ( Mind you I said " WAS" ) I was looking at the Saber tooth tiger and then I grabbed my dads blue-green shirt and acted as if I blew my nose on it and said "that I missed my cats at home" But when I looked up my jaw dropped to the ground. I was NOT looking at my dad but a stranger and I still had HIS shirt in my hands. He was looking at me like - what the ? -. After a few seconds of total terror, embarrassment and shock. I told him that I really didn't blow my nose on him that I was only playing and that I was sorry ! He smiled at me and then I ran off to find my dad.
When I found him in the next room I was already crying of embarrassment. He asked what was wrong and I told him and then I told him I was mad at him for wearing the same color of shirt as the stranger. He looked at me and smiled but hugged me. ( He was obviously trying very hard not to laugh. ) My sister on the other had was laughing her head off !

Later I saw that guy again and hid behind my dad. He came up to my dad and said " Thats a sweet little girl you got there." and told my dad what happened. My dad said he knew and that I had told him. I asked my dad if we can go now and he said "yes" and we left. That was to me at the time and for many ,many years after words the worst day of my life !!!!!!

Answer 6

One day a black man sat down at a cafe, and a white man said "Colored people aren't allowed here." Well, the black man looked at him and said, "Sir, when I was born, I was brown. When I'm cold, I'm brown. When I'm sick, I'm brown. When I'm sunburned, I'm brown. And when I die, I'll be brown. But YOU sir, are different. When you were born, you were pink. When your cold, your blue. When you're sick, you're green. When you're sunburned, you're red, and when you die, you will be purple. So why in the world did you just call ME colored?" And the white man just got up and walked away.
:)

Answer 7

One morning in church I got up to give up to date things about the singles ministry....I kept getting tongue-tied and I felt like I needed to apologize, so I did. I said please forgive my lack of concentration but I was awakened very, very early this morning because the squirrels were dragging their nuts through our gutters. I didn't realize I had said that till it was too late. Needless to say I have to keep my messages short now.....LOL......

Answer 8

My brother, who does not speak English, grounded his son for three days, after getting "excellent" mark on his grades. I had to show him in the dictionary that excellent is not that bad....

Answer 9

What was the question ?

Answer 10

I'm not sure that's a question...