Should I tolerate this situation, would you?

Question

Just been to my husband's apartment (please read my previous question). I am pathetic to keep asking for your opinion but I really don't know what to do and need to get strength from somewhere. It seems he wants to stay there during the week and live as a single person because he has never done anything just for himself , then come home at weekends. We married 19 years ago when he was 22 and I was 35 but he told me he was 27 at the time and believed him, but thats neither here nor there. I asked him what he feels about me and he said he would rather not answer, then when I said that perhaps I should also look to make a life for myself if he wasn't willing to answer, we made love. Later he said jokingly we were great mates, but that wasn't enough for me, I wanted his soul. He makes jokey references to me being wealthy and will I lend him 50 thousand pounds? I am dreading him asking me because he says my love is conditional and I wouldn't give it to him, also in a jokey way.

Answer 1

I'd tell him to hit the road. If I wanted a whore, I could get one on the Internet for a lot less money.

Answer 2

This is a very sad place you are in right now You have a husband that doesn't want the world to know he is married, and he wants the financial security that you can provide.As for him never having done any thing for himself he has not and it is about time he does, all on his own hook. You are better than this and you know it, I think it is fear Of being alone that keeps you in this situation, and you dear have to get past that fear, Honest living alone is so much better than going threw what you are . An if need be there are a lot of men that will and can appreciate you, but first you have to find out your own value because you can not see it. I do so understand where you are and could go on for ever but please think about what I have said best of luck

Answer 3

Okay, sweetie, I read all of your questions, and I will now spend approx 20 minutes helping you sort this out.......

Firstly, let us define what a marriage is: It is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust. When the trust is gone, the rest of it follows down hill. It may go in a few months or over the course of a year or so or more, but when one partner has cheated, it takes more than 2 years usually to patch a marriage up,,,,,,, and that is if both partners agree to counseling. and both partners want to save it..... yours, by your questions, does not want to save it.... indeed, he is telling you he wants out!!!!
(Age isn't an issue ---- it ain't ever the years, it's the mileage--- The oldest person I ever knew was 12, the youngest was 91.... age is an attitude.... More later on that if you want.)

Of those three, marriages can succeed if you have two of the three. You hit the jackpot if you have all three, don't you?

Now you need to ask yourself, what of those three do you have with him? You don't trust him, he appears to wish to stay around because of your $$, passion is only momentary, and from your other questions, you have zero admiration or respect for this man. What you appear to like in this man is an image of what he was once. He is no longer that same guy. And when you realize that, it will be easier to leave.

But leave for what????? Don't know about you, but there is nothing, absolutely and positively nothing more wonderful, than to go to sleep in the arms of the man who adores you, and who you adore. There is no better contentment that to awake in the middle of the night, and just touch that man -- not awaken him just touch him, and know that you are there for him, and he for you. You don't have this, and you probably figure at your age you won't again. Wrong.... Right now you have a part time roommate and an occasional sex partner, who is sharing himself with others...... It is only a matter of time before this falls apart, anyway....

You asked if I would tolerate this situation.... not in a heartbeat...
My ex was also younger than me. We were married 19 years, the last 5 were hell, but I didn't realize it until I discovered the marriage was "crowded"....he had a multitude of problems and I felt obliged to remain.... until the betrayal. He broke my heart. He was absolutely the love of my life -- we were important in the community, had $$, traveled all over the world, could buy anthing,,,, yadayadayada..... you get the idea......
But I left, moved to another state, told him to sell everything, and it was over..... like immediately. There was no way I could be intimate with a man who had shared his body and sole with another woman.... no way..... Counseling was not an option for me..... no way, not ever.......
I found out in a December that he had a girlfriend, I was moved into a new state in a different house by that April...... 4 months...Took my dogs, took my horse, outa there......

Now, what about a boyfriend? There are lovely men out there, and I preferred to try on-line dating. I put up a lovely ad, great photos, with my killer smile, and I had letters from all over everywhere. I met lovely men -- educated, accomplished, famous, wealthy, --- just like me, and a few nut cases, just like those you will find in a seat next to you in church or the symphony. Did I find another man? Oh, yes, and even younger!!!! He also had a long marriage that disintegrated, and he too was looking. How do you succeed in internet dating?

If you don't have that killer smile, you have to have one. And in England, dentistry is 100 years behind us here in the US....so you will undoubtedly have a tough time finding a good dentist.... I have $20,000 in my mouth, that's 40,000 lbs.!!!!!!
I am guessing you are English since you made reference to lending him 50,000 lbs.)


If you need to loose some weight, do it. Buy some great outfits, and have some super photos taken --- yup, spend some buckos on you, sweetie. That man is there, you just have to make it a career to find him. Write me if you want....What I said about my ex is even worse that you could ever imagine, so, let me tell you, it was tough to leave.

Hope this is helpful, and gives you a few things to consider...... and again, write if you have some questions, or want elaboration.......

Answer 4

I'm sorry Nancy...I'm sure you're sick of hearing the same things over and over again, but I think you need to. It sounds like you are the only one trying to keep this marriage together. The more you give in, the less likely he will respect you.

You have allowed him to get everything he wants,and to me it doesn't sound like you're giving him enough push back; how will he ever know what he's losing?

You need to tell him you don't want to see him for a while. Say you need time to evaluate your life and what you want out of it.

Turn it around on him, let him know how he's not perfect either. He's putting all this on you, saying it's your fault and he needs time away from you to think, but what about you!?!

Don't you (after all this) think that maybe he's not the one for you? Don't you think maybe he can no longer make you happy? Tell him that...let him get a taste of you feeling that way and treating him the way he's treating you. Maybe it will give him a new perspective. Maybe it will give YOU one...

Answer 5

I think you really already know the answer to your question. You say you are pathetic to keep asking for an opinion but who told you that your husband ?. what advice would you give to someone in your situation grin and bear it ? I think not. If your marriage is worth saving try your best but don't try it one sidedly. You have every right to happiness and it is certainly not too late to find it. Do not be bullied and brow beaten by someone who clearly has their own interests uppermost try and be strong for your own sanity.

Answer 6

I think you know the answer but its too painful to deal with......

Its over, he fancies or is seeing someone else trust me, I have been there and when you ask him directly if he has feelings for you and he can't answer, he obviously hasn't other than family love.......

He is keeping you on the sidelines in case things don't work out .......He wants the security and the money, and he is not sure he can do without it, he is testing the ground.......

It is a terribly hard situation and I really feel for you, but don,t let him mess you about.....Tell him he isn't welcome the weekend cause you will be living your single life......

Copy his antics it might make him see sense

Good luck and god bless xxxx

Answer 7

Sounds like you've married a man who is not sure of himself. By being committed at 22, he has not fully explore his opportunities, now that he is committed, he is looking for his freedom as a 27 year old man would. My advise is to have an open heart discussion with him and define your relationship. Be prepared to accept whatever the outcome is because I have a feeling that you will not like it. Good luck!

Answer 8

He is trying to get your money. The fact that he wants to live as a single man also indicates that he is not to be trusted. Why not move in with him. Don't ever give him any money. He will never return it to you and he might dump you. Mark my words. Don't do it. If you do, be sure to remember what I said when he does dump you and doesn't return your money. I feel scared for you. Sincerely.

Answer 9

Take heed from the other people writing on here.

Be strong and tell him outright that you have had enough and Dont Give him a Penny either.
Part time Husbands are a Pain in the Butt.

Answer 10

You can't afford to trust him surely and lend him that sort of money, you can buy sex cheaper when you want it. They will act like they they love you, just as he does, but not at that price. Seems to me you are a very shy person who wants to love and anyone that responds to you, you will be grateful, don't do yourself down you are worth more than that. Find someone for love not money.