I have been with my boyfriend for a year and two months and things are getting pretty serious (he is talking marriage). He has two little girls (3 and 5) who he has primary custody of (like all the time except every other weekend). I always feel like second best. Like my needs dont matter. I get along GREAT with the girls but they are not mine so it is hard. I want to be able to spend quality time with my boyfriend but everything is about the kids and I am just kinda there. I love him a lot and just dont know what to do. Any advice would mean a lot
2006-11-12 09:58:14 · 8 answers · asked by Courtney L 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and two months and things are getting pretty serious (he is talking marriage). He has two little girls (3 and 5) who he has primary custody of (like all the time except every other weekend). I always feel like second best. Like my needs dont matter. I get along GREAT with the girls but they are not mine so it is hard. I want to be able to spend some quality time with my boyfriend but everything is about the kids and I am just kinda there. I understand the kids must come first, and think he is a great man for doing that. But I need some time to otherwise how do we have a relationship? Am I being selfish? I would love to be a family but I need some love also. I love him a lot and just dont know what to do. Any advice would mean a lot
2006-11-12 15:44:29 · update #1
Unfortunately this is the way it is when you date a man with children and he has custody. What else can he do, he must take care of the children. This would be a very difficult thing to deal with however, you are really going to have to take a serious look at the whole picture and be honest with yourself. Is this something you are willing to deal with. It will and must be a great deal of acceptance and understanding on your part. Good luck and God bless
2006-11-12 10:02:28 · answer #1 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you do decide to marry him get use to the situation that you are in now. This is part of being a parent. The children do need to come first and the younger they are the more needy usually. Since he has placement and they only see their mother every other weekend you will for all purposes be filling the role of their mother. This is not the children's fault. They can't help the situation that they are in. I have four children of my own and lived with a guy for three years with three children. The one thing that I have figured out about step-parenting is that if it is to be successful you have to treat ALL of the children fairly and show all of them the same amount of love, even when you don't feel that way. If you are unable to do this my advice would be to save everyone (yourself included) a lot of heartache and call off the marriage. I wish you the best of luck, whatever decision you make.
2006-11-12 18:12:56 · answer #2 · answered by BetteBoop 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
His kids are little and his first priority should be his little girls. He needs to take care of them constantly. They are not old enough to take care of themselves. You are right, at this point in time you do come in second and that is how it should be. Would you want a man that didn't take care of this children? A friend of mine's daughter refused to marry a man because he was raising two little kids. She told him that he would have to wait until the kids were at least teenagers or out of the house before she would marry him because she didn't want to be second.
The advise is that if you cannot deal with the kids being first and becoming part of their family, then you should either wait or end the relationship.
2006-11-12 18:03:58 · answer #3 · answered by kny390 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You cannot marry this man until you can unconditionally accept his daughters. You seem to view them as annoyances now and that resentment will only grow with time. To love him, you must love his daughters too and realize that in some regards you may always be second-best. He should LOVE and RESPECT you, but his primary obligation will always be to his daughters.
To accept a marriage proposal from this man who does not know your true feelings about his daughters would be doing a disservice to all involved.
You could benefit from premarital counciling to get to the root of your resentment towards his girls and maybe to help you learn how to be a step-parent. He could benefit from counciling too to learn how to relate to you and to his daughters together.
Blending families can work, but it takes time and commitment from all involved. Those girls deserve a mother-figure who LOVES them, and who doesn't resent thier existance.
2006-11-12 18:05:21 · answer #4 · answered by Emily B 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have a discussion with your boyfriend about this issue.
Make sure the Kids are not present.
Present your problem to him
LISTEN TO WHAT he says
Try to work on a solution.
If this solution does not stick
Get out of the relationship!
Once you are a parent like your boyfriend your priorities shift you live for your children.
You can’t handle it now as his girlfriend it will be no better as his wife.
2006-11-12 18:05:16 · answer #5 · answered by Ryce Queen 13 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
His kids are first, as it should be. Keep your head on your shoulders, and try to see things as he does. You're very important to him, but the kids must come first!
2006-11-12 18:07:18 · answer #6 · answered by grandm 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well if you love him, you must also love his kids, its a package deal
2006-11-12 18:09:49 · answer #7 · answered by Cobra 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your not enjoying it now DON'T marry him then you'll be really last...
2006-11-12 18:02:56 · answer #8 · answered by troble # one? 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋