behavior of my mom?

Question

Can u explain behavior of my 55 years old mother because it is weird. When she see on movie two couples kissing, she does not like that? why?I know for one fact that she is extremely devoted to catholic religion. It is so very important for her to go to church, but it does not matter whetver it brings good outcomes that proves that she is really good catholic. She is very intolernat. and for example she doesn't like when young people at church don't sign. But the point is u can't force someone against his/her will to do something. IF someone doesn't want then don't. It is voluntary. And today I let her to lend my cell phone. I gave her, as she talked she is gonna talk only 15 min. Well I agreed, but I am expecting someone to call me. And when I came to her room to ask for phone because I expect call, she ignored me and still continued to talk for long time. Personally I receive this as rude and selfish. What should I do?

and in addition I am gay or bisexual, though she does not realize this. When once someone on TV came out, even though, he wanted to marry a girl, she told he should be embaressed for saying that. That was 5 years ago. I would not know how she would react if I told her, but at this time I am not gonna to it until I become fully able to support myself.

one important. She have been always mom to me :)

she also own book of conscience for confessions, written by some bishops in poland back more than 15 years ago. She always uses it before confession. I have used that once, and I found that there are some ridiculous "sins". For example one of them stated: I thought about someone naked? Come on!

and it was states as heavy (not light) sin!

Answer 1

Your mom seems to be in heavy denial about alternate lifestyles. It could have been her own strict upbringing and seeing the changes in the world today may make her feel insecure. If she's always been your mom, then you have always been her son.

It sounds like you may be out of high school and working toward self-sufficiency -- a very good idea. With parents who hold very different beliefs from ourselves, the best we can do is to try to just see what is good about them, and be grateful for the good things they gave us. We cannot expect them to be our "friends," nor to totally accept what we do -- sometimes personal values are deeply ingrained, especially when those values are based on heavy religious beliefs.

Part of living at home with parents is that you DO need to abide by their house rules -- like it or not. If they "abuse" your cell phone use, you can easily just say, "I was waiting for a call, and maybe next time you could ask me first if I'm waiting for a call," although she may not really care. But you can try.

As for being gay -- that is a touchy topic for many religious types. However, if she has always been your "mom," and she loves you, then maybe, just maybe she already has an inkling about you and perhaps her comment about the guy coming out was a way to let you know her feelings about the issue.

I would wait until you're out to say anything -- if she is stuck in her ways -- no matter how much she loves you -- it will be difficult for her to separate her religious beliefs with her love for you. A little distance, you becoming self-sufficient (hopefully by completing college), and being with people who have integrity, are good people, and whom others would respect, also helps.

But mothers are mothers, and they love their children -- that's a big plus in your corner. And if she ends up down the road giving you a hard time, you can politely mention that there are gay priests, and so even though it is not condoned in the Catholic Church, that it is there, proving one can be both Catholic and gay.

Just try to keep a good personal relationship with your mom, realize that she is from a different generation than you, and maybe there is a part of her that feels insecure. She seems to like order, consistency, and familiarity -- hard to have during these times. You might want to point some of these things out through newspaper articles (i.e. our government leaders and religious leaders who have recently been involved in scandals), and say that you wish things were always the same, but things change. But....there ARE good people out there, and start including some names of your friends, teachers or mentors. Let her know you empathize with her frustration.

And you have good insight to realize that you cannot change someone, thus, all the more reason to try to find ways to support your mom in her values, but to also point out positive values in other areas that she may be unfamiliar with. It must be a time of stress and change for her because it sounds like she is taking solace in her religion. (She is also probably in menopause which increases physical and mental stress in women.....)

I hope you are on your own soon and things straighten out.
Good Luck!

Answer 2

Moms will be Moms...Let her have her way, you don't have to like it, she is going to do as she pleases because she is the parent....Hey Christmas is coming, get her a phone, so you won't be inconvenienced anymore....Most parents are set in their ways...and not you or me can change that....You should know what to expect out of her, you only been living with her all your life....That gives you an edge on her....Now, her watching TV>>>seeing 2 people kiss that is just a loving notion, is your MOM lonely ....Maybe she is sad that she doesn't have such intimacy.....Does she want things her way ALL the time ? Well, one good thing she attends church, personally I have find that some churchgoers are the worst kind.....they are critical, mean and can be very nasty, and praise the Lord every Sunday...What does that tell you? It tells me they go to church for all the wrong reasons and try to make life miserable for others Monday -Saturday, sometimes they are just spiteful. Sorry you have to deal with this but I wonder, is this new to you or have it been an ongoing thing....Don't feed into it, let her have her way...she will never change, unless someone brings her behavior to her attention

Answer 3

Mom is who she has always been. You give people chances to live up to your expectations. You forgive their intolerance and their hypocrisy for as long as you are able to do it, out of love. When you do for others out of duty and feel resentment, then it is time to separate your expectations from what is actually occurring. Do not lend her your phone again, unless you will not need it for that day. You can talk with her and see if you can find out why she is so intolerant.
Does she have love in her life? If not, she may be jealous of the happiness and affection that she sees in others.
Behavior is not a function of age, it is choice based on belief and personal need. It may be difficult to discuss many things with a parent. But, if you can be respectful and open to her explanation, perhaps you will reach a greater understanding of each other. I trust you will try.

Answer 4

Well, one thing you know is your mom is probably not going to change. Her religion is important to her. And, you don't describe her as being like the mom in the movie Carrie. But, I know it is really tough being on a fair playing field with a parent because their authority (even when they don't consciously try to enforce it) trumps your authority. Yes, it is rude that she is ignoring your needs, so sit down with her and "TRY" to logically tell her why hogging your phone bothered you, and give her a good example of how she would be upset if you did that to her. I know you'll hate me for saying this, but try to fast forward a few years and take yourself out of the moment and see if the phone thing is so important compared to not having your mom around someday. Not trying to make you feel guilty, but put this into perspective. That's all I have for you. You aren't portraying her as evil or anything. Family members annoy the heck out of each other and your only hope is communication. Good luck.

Answer 5

From what you say it does sound like she is a bit selfish and inconsiderate too. I believe that when people are overly judgmental and do the things you list, it is to hide the fact that they feel very insecure. She has taken religion to religiosity levels and clinging to her faith is like a security blanket for her. The fact that most people are not as over the top as she is just confirms (to her) that she is 'saved' and maybe a bit better than they are and also their behavior is seen by her as disrespect and it could expose secret doubts her has but is not willing to admit.
Many people have doubts about their life and faith and instead of facing the doubts they lash out at others because they are not ready to examine things maturely.
You do not say if your father is still around or not. It could be the kissing reminds her that she does not have anyone to kiss her like that. Also she is a little older than me but I was raised Catholic too and she could have recieved some very negative info about sex and all that stuff. Some very strong 'nice girls don't' kind of things.
I would not confront her on any of this as it would just be like trying to herd cats... You can stand up for yourself tho.
Next time she asks to use your phone, if the situation is the same tell her you will let her use it AFTER you recieve the call you are expecting and not before. If she makes a fuss and tries to manipulate you just tell her she LIED to you before...and if you have to spell out what she did then do it.... she failed to keep her promise to you.She held you accountable when you were growing up and you are just doing the same thing to her... lie is a hard word so you might want to just say she did not keep her promise to you and make it clear that you are doing what you are doing because of her unfortunate behavior.
Most people who act like she does are insecure and frightened people and they bully and judge others harshly to compensate for their insecurities.
All you can do is to love her in spite of her behavior and find friends to talk with so you are less harmed by her hurtful behavior. You may not want to do any of the things I said and that is OK too. It is you and your mom and you are the one to decide how close or distant the relationship needs to be for your own sanity. You are not the only one with a parent that is hard to take.
Luck and love to you. Just love her anyway. Humor her as much as you can and try not to let her pecularities get to you.
If you have siblings you might talk to them about it too.

Answer 6

I think perhaps your mom does not like to see other couples kissing because it reminds her of what is missing in her life. Going to church does not make someone a christian any more than going to McDonald's makes me a hamburger. You can attend church and miss the real thing. It is called going throught the motions. So who knows what's up. Mid-age crisis? Menopause? Feeling a little sorry for herself?

As for the phone, who pays the bill? If you...she is acting like a teenager, if she pays the bill...she probably figures she can talk if she wants to, it's her dime.

Answer 7

If she hasn't already, she may be going through menopause, I mean IF her behavior is weirder than usual.

Besides "the change" there are many other subtle changes that happen to us as we age as well.

Perhaps you could talk to her about how you feel, not in a accusatory manner but more on an emotional level. You may be able to get at what is going on with her if it is something specific.

Answer 8

Try asking if somethings bothering her(get another phone)

Answer 9

talk to her, iunno? send her to talk to the priest :P