What do you think of my story?

Question

What do you think of my story so far? feel free 2 critique, its a school assignment: As I watched the sand swirl across the dusty horizon I remembered that horrifying day and could only think, it all happened so fast. One cold October morning, I remembered, everyone was jogging around the school. Taking the lead, my breathing turned heavy. All of a sudden gunshots sounded in the distance, my breathing turned spastic. Things like this didn’t happen in a small town like Marine City, Michigan, but today was different. All over the country this was happening, in every small town, no one was safe. Gunshots sounded closer and closer, joggers at the back of the line began to fall. Realizing the shots were much to close to outrun, I quickly dove behind under a nearby bridge. I remember holding my breath as the men with guns charged past they bridge yelling in a strange language and pointing feverishly. I remember being terribly afraid and alone under that bridge, but at the same time that brid

bridge was my only sanctuary. I jumped into the murky water at the sound of gunshots above my head. Using a reed to breath, I kept low to the sand and at the sound of splashes, opened my eyes. I saw people, neighbors, and relatives, falling from the top of the bridge. They floated to the bottom of the river with frozen and distorted expressions plastered upon their cold faces. It was much too much to take. I leapt from the bloody water screaming hysterically. Before I could turn to run out from under the bridge, one of the foreign soldiers placed one hand over my mouth and the other tightly around my waist. His hand reeked of the stale smell of blood, that and a lack of oxygen caused me to slowly lose consciousness. I remember waking up on the cold metal floor of some type of helicopter. I remember not being able to feel any part of my body, and panicking at the thought of being paralyzed. Again I slowly drifted into the darkness. Once again I awoke on that stone cold floor. I could no

cold floor. I could now feel every bone in my body, but whenever I tried to move the pain was unbearable. I managed to sit myself up and saw that the helicopter was being controlled by two of the foreign soldiers. They wore sand colored uniforms and bore dark complexions. Using common sense, I discovered the language they were speaking was some dialect of Arabic. They noticed I was awake in the back and turned to speak to me. I stared directly into their cold and unforgiving eyes, I knew then there was no sympathy in them. The larger man turned to me and muttered,” To Saudi Arabia we are going.” “But where are my family and friends?” I asked frantically. The smaller one replied with a thick accent, ”You are the only one.” My jaw dropped and I began to hyperventilate. All I could think is what happened to everyone? Are they dead? I scrambled to a nearby

window and clawed my way up to the ledge. I look out over the ocean and saw in the distance an explosion of nuclear proportion. My legs became jell-o and crumbled beneath me, again I sifted into the darkness.
The next time I awoke it was not by my choice. The larger soldier from the helicopter was yelling at me and waving his gun around wildly. I was lifted up and forcefully thrown from the parked helicopter. The men pointed to a line of women and motioned for me to join them. I painfully joined them and waited to be judged. I saw that at the front of the line half the women were sent to the left and the other half to the right. It was then I realized what was going on; this was a concentration camp of some sorts. I reached the front of the line where I was meet by and old man with a blank face. He examined me carefully starting at the top and moving slowly to the bottom

. Finally he slowly raised his left hand to the left and the two guards that escorted me from the helicopter grabbed me and dragged me down the trail to the left. My clothes were replaced with rags and my hair cut short. Finally at the end of the trail I came to a small village of huts. I was thrown into a hut and told to wait there until further notice. Through this whole ordeal, beginning with hiding under the bridge and ending with being thrown into the hut, I was both emotionally and physically numb. I couldn’t comprehend what had really happened to me. It all seem as though it were some horrific dream that spanned a period of weeks and simply wouldn’t end. I lay on the dirt floor of my hut and silently began to cry. I woke the next morning to find a small meal of bread and cheese placed in front of me. I ignored the peace offering and walked outside. The sand burned my feet and the intense sun burned my sensitive skin. It was at this moment that I saw the sand swirl across the

dusty horizon. In time I snapped out of my flashback and returned to a bleak reality.
I realized that if I was going to get anywhere

lol sry bout that, i just randomly chose saudi arabia because its a country in the middle east and since we are/were having some problems over there i figured why not choose that country, i couldve chosen ne country so nothing against saudi arabia

ooo nice point about giving away the dramatic points ill take that into consideration

Answer 1

It's an interesting start, but there's no ending to it. When you create a situation of this sort, you have to build tension and conflict, and make the reader wonder whether the protagonist is going to be safe or not, is going to escape or not, etc.etc.
You're also 'giving away' the dramatic parts. For example, when you say "I remember being terribly afraid and alone under that bridge."
Don't TELL the reader that you were terribly afraid and alone, SHOW them. Appeal to the senses, and make the reader tremble in fear too.
"My heart pounded against my chest, and its beating echoed in my ears. I cringed in tereror: surely someone could hear the noise. Footsteps echoed overhead, in time with my heartbeat. I held my breath in fright, praying no one would notice me. My hands reached out in the gloom, looking for something, someone, to help. But no one was there. I was totally alone and helpless."
This is very rough and off the cuff, but what I'm trying to show you is how to involve the reader by appealing to the senses, giving physical actions and responses, to make it seem more real, rather than simply stating that the hero was afraid and alone.
Hope this helps.

Answer 2

The problem with your story is that it doesn't flow - there's a bridge at the school? The "all over the country" takes you from Marine City to the country and then back, which is incoherent. Jogging around the school? Is this a military school, wouldn't you be jogging on the track? Or in the neighborhood like the cross country team? I don't know anyone who jogs around the school. Gunshots sounding closer? Do you know the range of a rifle? 10 feet isn't going to make a difference. If the men are that close, they would have shot you all. BTW, you can hunt right outside of Marine City, so I would expect that, during deer rifle season, you could hear shots - I know that when I lived in Dryden we certainly coud.

Answer 3

Well I must say that your writing style is great. I'm not really comfortable with your portraying of the Saudi Arabic people in comparison to nazis but that should be only another compliment to your writing because only a well written story can make you appreciate it even if you don't accept the opinion.

Answer 4

It's really not too bad. My only advice is that you should have used "spell check", but if you go back and re-read it, I think you'll find the misspelled words. And when you were describing about diving under a bridge, you said, "dove behind under".

Answer 5

Hey its pretty good except time seems to just go by really quick but everything else is good keep goin!

Answer 6

I want to know how it ends!
One minor detail.... One does'nt "float" to the bottom one SINKS to the bottom... but that's kind of picky. I was really getting into the story. Keep going!

Answer 7

It's very scary. I like it.Hope you get a good grade on that
~*Alyssa*~

Answer 8

Ur good at describeing. you should write more.

Answer 9

Should get you a good grade ...well done :D

Answer 10

its ok