Obligated to have sex?

Question

I am very frustrated with my marriage, as I feel that sex has become a duty that I am obligated to perform. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex, or at least I used to...but my husband tends to fucus our whole relationship around him being sexually satisfied. If I am not in the mood...everything turns sour. I find myself obligating him just to get him out of a bad mood, or seducing him to ensure that my day will not be difficult. Since this pattern has been going on for years, I feel that the chance of us ever having a good sex life is destroyed. In his eyes, I owe him sex, whenever he needs it, and if I was a good partner I would want it all the time..always be in the mood. There is no passion left for me, as it has become a chore. I have tried talking to him about this, but he doesn't handle conflict well, and nothing ever seems to get resolved...he will just use it against me at a later time and make everything worse. Any ideas on what I should do?

Answer 1

Get couples counseling. Perhaps if he heard it from someone else, he'd realize that his neanderthal view of sex is outdated and unfair, and you are miserable because of it.

If he won't get counseling and you said talking to him doesn't work, then you decide to stay and keep fulfilling your "obligation" or stand up for your rights and feelings, and don't have sex if you don't want it. Maybe if he had to go without for a while, he'd change his attitude a bit...

...or maybe he'd stray or become violent...

...or you can decide you've had enough, that it's not worth the conflict of standing up for yourself in the bedroom, and you can move on...

You are choosing to keep yourself in an unhappy situation...do what you can to fix it or get out...if you cannot fix it, then choose to resign yourself to your fate, or get out...

This life is too short (imo) to be unhappy in our jobs or personal lives...we choose to be happy or unhappy...we make our lives what we want them to be...

What do you want yours to be? Make it so.

Answer 2

I think you need to just introduce something new. Sex can get really boring. Change it up a little, maybe add food into the forplay, do some role playing, or set aside a night that is all about sex. Read some books on different positions or styles of sex and discuss it with him to see if its something he wants to try. Be open to new ideas and new things to add some spice back into your sex life.
Your husband should not expect sex, but at the same token, every once in awhile he should "get some". If you're not in the mood, let him down gently, let him know that it has nothing to do with him, it's that you're stressed, preoccupied, tired etc, but that you'll make it up to him. On those night maybe suprise him with a dirty magazine to soften the blow, at least for the first few months so he learns that its not a bad thing when you're not in the mood, it's just a different night.
If he continues to use sex against you, I would sit down and talk to him. I can't imagine an act that holds this much pressure in your relationship is very satisfying for either of you. Let him know how he has been making you feel, but don't just tell him, have an idea of what he can do to make it better, so that way you're not just complaining, but offering an alternative solution.
Good luck!

Answer 3

Many - not all, but many - guys think either on their own or are led to believe by women that that's what marriage is - sex on demand 24/7/365. And when it doesn't work out that way, it throws their brain a huge curve ball.

Plus he has been, in his mind and in sort of an operant conditioning way, successful in getting sex by pressuring you, etc. So it "works" so it must be okay. And if you have been faking pleasure or orgasm or whatever just to "be nice" - that has made it worse, making him think EVEN MORE that it's okay since you are enjoying it, too. He just thinks he has to "remind" you about sex and all is well.

So it's going to be very tough to undo YEARS of this kind of "it works" stimulus/response success he's enjoyed. So you need to tell him even though he hates confrontation it's either confront this or lose you for good. His decision.

First, why do I get the feeling he has NO IDEA you *really* feel this way? So you've got to not be bitter since you've been hiding how you truly feel for years from him. As a matter of fact you need to prepare him for the news that you've been lying for quite some time about sex.

Be very clear about how you feel. Don't accuse him - remember he's been thinking all is well. But be very clear about how you feel like the way he gets moody if he doesn't have sex when only he wants it ruins it long term for you. Because honestly that is friggin' juvenile of him.

You have to tell him your whole life can't revolve around his pecker any more. Sex is important and you want to like it but the moody passive-aggressive ignore you and pout when he doesn't get it instantly crapola has to stop and stop now.

Then suggest perhaps a flexible but somewhat dependable schedule of lovemaking. Say it's 3 times a week if all goes well, one or two if you are busy, zero on your period, whatever. But if he can kind of count on when it might happen, then he'll look forward to those times. As long as he knows if you miss a "date" and he pouts then the next 2 times are cancelled. Them's the rules.

Perhaps those times on the schedule would then be when you work with him on re-introducing seduction, romance, foreplay, etc. back into the mix as well.

Answer 4

Personally, I don't think the sex act is the problem. There are other problems in the marriage that are not being addressed. Sex is a way for your husband to control you, just like withholding sex is a control mechanism. When signing on to be married, that is first or second on the list of the marriage contract. Why we so corrupt it, I don't know. It's another way to be a partner, but being used or abused isn't part of it. You both need to look at your roles of husband and wife and see what has to be fixed. Get help if you need to.

Answer 5

Think you need to sit him down and speak with him. He might be totally in the dark as to how you feel and he might be receptive to what you say. If he is not willing to work with you on this situation then maybe you two can go for some counseling.

If he will not go with you to counseling then it's your call and there is not much more you can do except tell him "no" when he wants sex.

There is such a thing as rape during marriage but also in some states there is a thing called "lack of services" which means you will not or cannot have sex with him and sometimes it is grounds for divorce.

You are not a sex slave for your husband

Answer 6

I don't know what to say to you, but I feel my wife feels the same way you do. I am also frustrated I want her all the time, I try not to ask or beg, but after weeks of just waiting for her to come around I get pissed. Then she will do it as a duty, and afterwords I think to myself it wasn't even worth that because I know she really did not want to. If I wait it will be months till we make love. I am not a bad looking man I have had offers but I want her, and to be turned down and then to be felt like it was a duty then I start to question everything in my marriage. I am just trying to say that is how I feel as a husband going through the same thing. I am hurt and I feel unwanted and and cheap when we do end up doing it. I just want to feel loved and wanted, and I would hope that it was my wife not other women wanting me.

Answer 7

Cathy, this is not an ucommon thing. I am on the opposite side of what you are describing. I feel many times that my own wife of 19 years "obligates" at times. And I gotta tell you, I don't like it, it makes me feel wierd. No one wants to find themselves in an intimate moment like that and realize the other person is basically doing a chore like the dishes.

I am very fortunate, as my wife and I have worked through it over the years and have basically set aside time each week for intimacy. It's not spontaneous, but it works and keeps our relationship strong.

You have an advantage in that you enjoy sex and sound like you want it to be passionate again.

Try to find out what things get you excited about sex and try to plug them into your day and of course your husband has to be willing to work with you on this issue and compromise. That means he won't always get to have sex when and where he wants it.

I hope he cares enough to work with you on it. My sense is that he'll be glad he did.

Answer 8

You're not a machine. A marriage is about love, sex is just a bonus. You are not obligated to do anything. My husband and I have a very active sex life, but if I am nit in the mood or if he isn't, we don't do it. You should never have let yourself lose the passion. I love my husband, and I enjoy him in bed, but if something happened to him that he could not have sex, I would't mind one bit, just having him in my life and knowing I am appreciated is enough for me. Let your husband know you have needs and they are not being met, and they are outside of the bedroom? Get the romance back, even if you are the one to bring it back. Take a bath togehter, massage eachother, relax with eachother. Go on a mini vacation, if you ahve kids let them stay at the grand parents or a sitter for one weekend and go to a hotel just you and your husband and do things you enjoy together. Go out at least once a month, just the two of you, a dinner and a movie.

Answer 9

WOW! Been there done that! With my first marriage I felt the same way, but on my second marriage we spice it up! Try some soft porn or toys! If you wasn't in the mood, you will be:-) If that doesn't work you may want to talk to a Dr and see if has any solutions. Your hormones may be in an "up roar" making your sex drive lousy! Good luck and don't give up:-)

Answer 10

I wish my wife were more like you. She seems to feel a better approach is to never consent to sex.

More seriously (I suppose), what _do_ you want your relationship to look like? If you can't describe what you want you're unlikely to get it. My gut is that its mainly a mental shift required for both of you. He needs to take your rejection less personally - which is a pretty common issue for men. And you need to focus less on it being a chore and more on it being something you _want_ to do because you love him - and enjoy it. Thinking 'I love my husband and am glad I can make him happy' is a lot healthier then 'I have to do this or he'll be mad'.