Does having a problem mean there's someone to blame?

Question

Do any of you have the problem of beating yourself up too much (psychologically)? Do you have a tendency to believe that someone is to blame just because there is a problem? Do you sometimes feel that you have 'bad feelings' for someone just because you're in their presence when someTHING is bothering you at the time you express your frustration, sometimes only by your tone of voice. Do you misattribute that frustration to being upset at the person? Do you feel you are to blame just because someone is upset? I have had this problem and still do to some extent. I found myself apologizing to my mother and others over silly things. It was only after I stopped doing this, that I had a closer relationship with my mother, and then we were BOTH better off. And when she was upset over nothing I just left, and next time I saw her there simply was no problem.

Thanks, guys. I'm not sure how you missed the point, but it must be my fault.

An answer to the “ego problem” guy: I believe that it is an ego problem to assume the cause of someone else's problem. If something is true for you, don't assume that it is true for everyone else. It is certainly not a secret that many blame themselves because they were always blamed as they grew up. It is simply natural to believe what a parent teaches you.

Answer 1

"Thanks, guys. I'm not sure how you missed the point, but it must be my fault."
--> LOL!!! :)

I can relate so well to the things you have said! :)

Yes, when there is a problem, I do tend to react automatically by thinking that someone is to blame, and quite often I blame myself. When someone gets angry, it can make me feel guilty, even when I rationally know that it's not my fault. When people tell me I annoy them with my apologies, I apologize some more about that. ;)

I think that automatic reaction of blaming someone is connected to a feeling that having a problem is something really bad that mustn't happen. Because if it were okay to have problems, why would we need to blame anyone?

Just like you, I have recently experienced the relief of stopping to blame. It happened when someone made me realize what the actual cause of my problems was. Suddenly, it was neither her nor my fault. And blaming the people who actually caused it doesn't make any sense. So there's no one left to blame.

So maybe I can just live instead of blaming now. ;)
Allow problems to exist, without always having to make them my own...

It's good to hear about that positive development between you and your mother.

All the best to you!

Answer 2

No, not necessarily. Self-preservation causes us want to blame someone or something, but it is counterproductive to do so.

Behind every problem or obstacle, there is an opportunity. There is an opportunity (challenge) to learn something, to improve something, and to overcome something.

Mistakes are also opportunities. Mistakes are merely ways of learning what doesn't work. They do not detract from our quality as a human being. They give us the opportunity to find wisdom, and also to try something else.

Frustration is normal and natural. Frustration, however, can destroy our motivation to keep trying new ways to get something right. When we allow ourselves to become consumed by frustration, we are hindering ourselves from accepting that our method is flawed.

Is is silly to be fristrated that you cannot knock down a brick wall with your fists. It is more effective to let go of the frustration, replace it with acceptance that your fists aren't working, and to reslove to try something new (perhaps a wrecking ball?).

It is important to remember that anger is a combination of fear, frustration, and anxiety. It is a combination of being afraid of the outcome, frustrated because the current method isn't working, and anxiety of trying a new method. It is wasted energy.

As children, we all take on responsibility for our parents' emotions. That's why divorce is so hard on kids. Kids make everything their fault. They think "If only I was a better kid/better behaved, then mommy/daddy wouldn;t have this problem". It's because they think the world orbits them. Normal and natural. We usually grow out of this as we age.

In some families, the legacy of dysfunction causes the parents to psychologically manipulate their children into taking responsibility for their own problems. "I would have been able to be/do (whatever) if I never had kids" or "Having kids holds me back from (whatever)."

And sometimes, people never grow out of assuming responsibility for everything. It's a control issue. It is caused by displaced anxiety. It is an issue that needs professional counseling.

SOme people think they need to control everything or the world will sipn out of control. They cant help it. They adopted this behavior in early childhood and were never shown how to be otherwise. Sometimes it was reinforced. Whatever the case, they actually do not trust themselves to handle the unpredicatble, and the unanticipated or spontaneous. They do not trust others to have their interest in mind. It's all based on personal anxiety.

Take care of yourself first. Replace your frustraition with acceptance and resolve to find the wisdom, the hidden challenges, and the opportunities. Look for the source of your own anxieties, and look at the behaviors you have to cope. If this means seeing an objective person (counselor) than do so. It would empower you by educating you about choices.

Take care!

Answer 3

When it comes to self-blame I think that we suffer from an extreme case of ego in most cases. How can we possibly be that powerful? It is the illusion cast by our egos that we are the centres of our world and therefore the centres of the worlds of everyone around us right? I mean, if you walk by a group of people and they start laughing, they are definitely laughing at you right? Not just at a conversation they were having which started long before you ever showed up. Our egos fool us into thinking that we are also on everyone else's minds,w hen in fact, we are only on our own mind, most of the time.

Answer 4

A closer relationship at what expense? Are you sure the relationship is close or is that you are just ignoring things that you need to change about yourself; maybe the 'silly things' you mention are things that need to be dealt with in order to allow for 'genuine' close relationships. What is your idea of close relationships? Little things are sometimes the most important things. I'm simply concerned about whether your relationships are sincere and am not intent on being hurtful.

Answer 5

Usually it does, however, that someone to blame could be yourself.

Answer 6

Not nesccesarily.