What is the proper Filipino engagement etiquette and custom?

Question

I understand that there is a legal requirement in the Philippines for Filipinos age 21-25 to have a written statement from the parents saying they understand that their child intends to marry. Is it proper etiquette for an American man who wishes to marry a 22-year-old Filipina to ask her father for his blessing to marry or does the daughter just let her parents know she will get married or what? I assume that the man should ask the father, but I want to be sure how it is done properly and with respect. What advice would you give to help this conversation be more positive and successful? By the way, the father is college educated and owns a successful business in their province and the family is religious. Just out of curiosity, what if the parents refuse to provide the above-mentioned written document? While of course it is not the best way, can the couple get a waiver for this requirement? Salamat po!

I am an American, but live in Asia not USA so I'm not going to get a fiance visa for her to USA. I will either marry her where I live if I can get her a tourist visa (she has a good job so it is possible but I know hard) or in Philippines if we cannot get her a visa to where I live. I have been to the Philippines about 20 times in the past 2 years. I have visited her in person many times, but just became more than friends since the end of May. By the way, I really want advice from Filipinos or others who have first hand experience with this. Thanks!

Answer 1

Hi, Roger -

As far as engagement ettiquette is concerned, it is best that you have everything layed out such that there are no "big surprises" (i.e. untoward reaction/s) when you get to the big day.

My sister is set to be married next year to her long-term boyfriend who has been living in the US. Much like you, her boyfriend regularly shuttles between Manila and SF just so the two of them can spend some time together.

I will recount to you some key items that they have went through to get my parent's approval. Make sure that you:

1. have formally propsed to your girlfriend ;)
2. have your (now) fiance mention to her family that you've already popped the question (and that she has said 'yes!')
3. have your fiance tell her family that you will be coming over to ask for their permission to marry her

... at this point, you will know whether the family's (especially the father's) response is going to be a positive one. Having this extra step prevents any mishaps that you might insue should you drastically decide to propose directly to the father. If they invite you over to their place then ~ congratulations, you have pretty much been welcomed to the family! all that remains to be done is for formality's sake ...

Just as an idea, engagements are usually held during lunch time ~ preferrably on weekends. Filipinos love coupling joyous events with eating and this is definitely one that calls for a celebration. Also, if your fiance belongs to a huge family, then expect to not only see the immediate family members - most probably, the guest list will include extended family members as well.

4. make yourself look good to the family. Go to your fiance's parent's house on time and bring something along with you. any/all of the following will do ;)
- food (something for dessert ~ i.e. cake) ... so as not to leave an impression that you left the food preparation for the event entirely to your fiance's family
- stuff for the family (i.e. perfume for the mum and a crisp polo paired with a tie for dad, etc. ~ a little something for the immediate family members) ... to earn major bonus points from the family
- more food (i.e. chocolates, chips, cookies) ... to give to the other unprecedented guests who have attended the what is now known as an 'engagement party'

5. be cordial / polite. Learn a few local linggos:
- Magandang Araw Po (Good day!)
- Salamat Po (Thank you!)
your fiance can help you out with this ;)

Have a ready smile and a genuine interest in knowing everyone.

Allow yourself to mingle with the entire family first as your fiance introduces you to each one of them (try to remember their names now - or maybe have a little crash course on your fiance's family tree early on).

6. remember your spiel. Once the father invites you to sit down, try to remember the following:
- learn a few things about the father and other members. Most likely, the father will lead the conversation and these little trivias may come in handy as the conversation progresses.
- introduce yourself. Start with your family, education, work and finally, how you two met. Don't spare on wittycisms - it is best to keep the atmosphere light!
- lead the conversation - properly. After you have both professed how you feel towards your fiance and how ready you are to establish a family, then you may formally ask for the hand of his daughter. Shedding a tear or two is appreciated but not required ;)

If all goes well, the father will give his sign of approval. Shake hands or hug each other and off you go to the dining table to feast! Bring out your "pasalubongs" (gifts) to the family and enjoy!

Good luck and best wishes, Roger!

Answer 2

Filipino Etiquette

Answer 3

Komosta Ka, As far as i know there is no such legal requirement, however it is an act of respect to ask for the daughter's hand in marriage. The Philippines people are very family oriented. When you visit the family it is customary to bring a gift. Courting in the Philippines goes in stages. You will always be asked,"Have you eaten"? Where in PI is she located, and have you visited her. You must establish proof of your being together physically prior to applying for a fiancee visa. The Filipinas are as a whole are the gentlest, kindest, prettiest women to grace this earth. The ones who are not are usually easy to distinguish in time. The customs there are very different that in America. There is so much to learn. I would advise you to join a Yahoo group that deals specifically with the Philippines such as Philippine Dreams 1
May your dreams come true

Answer 4

First, you have to court the Filipina woman's parents first. Court them by way of showing them how much you love and respect their daughter. And show courteousness and politeness as you talk to them. Then, make them know that you do have the financial ability to make their daughter's life much better than how it is right now. I know it is quite a sad fact, but most of the time this is true. Filipino parents want their daughters to be married to someone who can provide comfort and security to their daughters. And money, or wealth, can do that. So, there. You must remember to make her parents feel that you are financially capable of giving their daughter the things they were not able to give her. And, after that, they will be wanting to know if you really love their daughter. So, show politeness and respectfulness first; then, assure them of the stability and the status of your financial resources, and lastly profess your love for her to them. SNAP! You'll win their approval! Then call me and I'll make her her wedding dress! :-D

Answer 5

In the USA the bride's parents pay for everything. In the Philippines the groom pays, and it isn't cheap no matter what you think of the Peso-Dollar exchange rate. Depending on the number of guests you could easily get into P250,000+ territory.

Answer 6

"Pamanhikan" is the proper way of asking your girl from her parents wherein you need to come here and ask her parents in person. Once the parents agreed, you will discuss with them the date of your marriage and you will be the one to spend for the wedding. From the Bride to the last sibling's attires, church, reception and any other demands from the parents. Also, you're not suppose to touch your girl's virginity unless you're truly married with each other.
Well, BEST WISHES!!!!!!

Answer 7

It is best you will personally ask the hand of their daughter. We called it "pamanhikan". Its a traditional way of the Filipino who wants to get married. It's not really a letter of consent but their presence during the wedding. They will personally signifies that they allowed their daughter to get married specially for civil wedding. If church, you have to be here in the Phiippines to secure licenses and seminars prior to wedding. You have to secure legal capacity also from your embassy.