very personal topic but it is driving me crazy. my boyfriend of 11 years has a 11 yr old son who is very disre

Question

my boyfriend of 11 yrs has a 11yr old son who is very disrespectful toward my daughter and i. he is also mean and out of control. he has adhd, however i know that most of these episodes are not the result of this disorder. i have been around for 11 yrs you just know after that amount of time. its obvious that he is trying very very hard to split us up. i know i should not let this split us up, but i am having a hard time staying strong all of the time. and i am so set in my feelings toward his son, i find it hard to change. my boyfriend disciplines him in very little extent and is not consisitent at all. and what goes on at his mothers house god only knows. anyway to get to point i am considering leaving the relationship but we also have a 6 yr old together and i do not want to break her heart. any advice?

Answer 1

Well, I'm not sure I'd dump MY adult relationship because of a child's bad behavior. He's obviously unhappy with something. It's not change because this is how it's been all his life. So I'll have to assume he's not happy with his place in the family relationship.

May I suggest that next time he visits you and your daughter go out for some "girl time" and let the guys chill ...alone...together. Then when you get home have Dad take his son to a ballgame, a movie, the arcade, a walk on the pier, whatever, so long as Dad extends the alone time by taking the boy outside of the house. You and your daughter fix dinner. Greet the men with this dinner when they come home and eat as a family, together. (We are awful about eating in front of the TV. Sometimes we do make it to the dining room table. But we eat together.)

Repeat next day, if possible. Leaving the house all the time is difficult. Maybe Dad could set up a board game in the boy's room and teach him chess or something where they are alone. I take mine to the grocery store so Father and Son can be in the house alone together. I sometimes hang out downstairs with my kids when my stepson is here and upstairs with his Dad. Kids need that alone time and your step son is growing up. He wants one on one with Dad.

He sees you and your daughter as the roadblock to his father. Whose attention he is begging for. See what you and your man can come up with for when you have the boy. Plan specific times for when Dad and Son will be together. See if he won't calm down in his behaviors in a month or so.

When you speak with the child, speak respectfully. Respond to what he says to you. Not react. Respond. Take a breath, say what you want to say calmly and respectfully. This teaches Respect. When he disrespects you you can say, "Son, I don't talk to you like that......Why would you speak to me that way?" and he has to think.

With this in mind. You and Dad agree to call his behaviors as much as possible. Not punish. Just call him on it. "Junior, that was a mean thing to do. I thought better of you." and then don't bring it up again. Call him on his next behavior: "Junior, that is very disrepectful towards your sister. I really thought more of you than that."

Keep it up. Reinforce personal space. My ADHD son has no concept. He's 13, he's getting big and he is always inappropriately in my space.

So, we go, "Son, personal space." a hundred times a day. His sister, too. We'd really like for him to learn some appropriate social behaviors. If the boy is struggling in school, Dad may want to enroll him in the after school program (after conversation with Mom). Our middle school offers academic support from 3 to 4 and then offers an activity. My son is required to attend academic support Mon thru Thurs. (no program on Fri). Usually there's an activity, though. He can opt out on any activity and come home. He cannot opt out on academic support. His grades are improved and we don't fight over homework. This may take some general stress off the boy.

He may want to speak with the school counselor a couple of times a week, and Dad can set this up, too...after conversation with Mom....

You say god only knows what goes on at mom's. Maybe it's time to find out. Is there a new boyfriend that has the boy all insecure now? Is she so exhaused from raising an ADHD son alone that she can't help him right now? Does Dad need to show up a couple of times a week at Mom's to reinforce her authority? Boys tend to respect a man at this age, where females just become a person to scorn. Mom or not. Especially female authourity figures. Both households should be calling him on his behaviors. Mom needs to look into meds. Even if only for a little while.

Hang in there, hon. He wants to be a good kid. He wants to be loved and accepted. Right now Mom and you are the enemy. Help him have that time with Dad. Make sure Dad understands there is no substitute when it comes to this time in his son's life. He has to do it.

Answer 2

Obviously your choice is your choice. My step son has adhd, and add. He was doing the same thing until he was put on the right medication. Children thrive on consistency, for many reasons. Both of you must get on a level playing field with disciplining all children equally if the relationship is to last. No favourites, no excuses. Level rules in ones house imposed for all, teaches respect. Good luck.......

Answer 3

honestly, nothing you do directly toward the child is going to affect anything positivley. His disrespect is your boyfriends responsibility. You need to sit down and let him know what his son is doing and how it is effecting you and your child. Let him know that you want to find a way to all live together in peace, but you can't do it by yourself. He will have to be the one to sit down with his son, with you in the room, not your daughter though. He will have to tell his son, in front of you, what the rules are and what behavior is not acceptable in your house. If your boyfriend is not the one to sit him down and tell him, then nothing will change for the better.

Answer 4

in my opinion: i think he is trying to do it for a purpose. he might be angry that his dad is with you and not his mother. and he thinks that if he splits ya'll up then maybe just maybe he'll go back to his mom. of course is could be plenty of different reasons too. i know someone in a similar situation except the boy is 18. he has the same problem but it doesn't have another child invovled. he acts rebellious and mean b/c he thinks that his step dad is being hard on him, but really his just trying to get him to act like a man and not a child. they just stay strong, and try to deal with the anger best possible. of course that doesn't mean they love him any less. just try to let the child knowthat you love his father and him too. that you aren't there to take his dad from him. and get your boyfriend to sit down and have a talk with him too. that's really all that i can tell you.

Answer 5

You need to talk to your boyfriend about the matter. You both need to come with a plan about how to deal with his behavior. Then you need to discuss to his son that you have no plans of breaking up with his dad, and try to come up with a way that you all live together in peace.

Answer 6

Listen, from one woman to another--why have you been with this man for 11 years and he hasnt married you? 11 years!? That is WAY to much time to spend on a man. There is NO WAY--that he could Truly love you and not have married you by now--NO WAY. And dont give me that crap about "we dont need a contract--blah, blah, blah": as My Grandma says "BULL-SH**!"

And, you have a child with him--and he still hasnt married you?Girl, you are wasting your life and your time. You are now 11 years OLDER than when you started dating him. How old are you now? Are you goung to hang on to him until you are 50..60? At what age will you stop this?

You've been with him 11 years, and his son is 11 years old---so that means--your man was with somebody else, or cheating on you and his baby's mom. Your whole relationship was messed up from the beginning. He should have stayed with the baby's mom: What kind of man would get a woman pregnant, and leave her for another woman, just like that? You know--if he was in love with you, and married you--that would have been different--but he is just living with you, getting free sex, free-co-parenting, and half his bills paid.

As for the child being disrepectful--that is just another sign that you are WASTING YOUR LIFE on this relationship. Here you are, miserable, upset, and unhappy in your own home; and you're letting a new good man and a new good relationship pass you by. Life is too short for all of this. Your boyfriend has NO RESPECT for you. He hasnt married you, he allows his son to treat you like a dog in your own home---this is crazy.

Your daughter will be JUST FINE. A bilion people in the world have survived their parents divorce, and they are just fine. As long as you allow your daughter and her father to continue to have a great relationship--thats all that matters. Dont allow your anger to spill over into your daughter--and continue to be good co-parents....What would be sad is if you allow your daughter to see that its ok for a man to live with you, make a baby with you--and not marry you! Are you going to accept your daughters "boyfriend" of 11 years? You are teaching your daughter to have low self esteem.

Listen, I'm 30, I'm a Teacher--and I've seen my female cousins go through what you are going through--and its sooo sad. I get so upset to see women going through this. One of my cousins finally left a man who she'd been with for 13 years--and he still hadnt married her, and they have 2 children..Its like, she's 38 now, and her self esteem had gotten sooo low. She is getting counceling now to heal the pain and move on from him.

LEAVE THIS CRAZY SITUATION!!
GOD MIGHT BLESS YOU WITH A NEW, GOOD MAN!!

Answer 7

you say that you have been dealing with this child and his behavior for 11 years. it sounds to me that you are wanting out of this relationship for some other reasons that you have not shared here, and that you are using the excuse of this child's behavior as to why you want out. it just makes no sense to me that after 11 years of dealing with this kid that you want out because of it. it also seems to me that after all this time you and your husband would have made more of an effort to get this child to act better.sorry, but if you want out i think you need to admit to your self why. not use this kid as an excuse.

Answer 8

Maybe he doesnt have adhd at all..........maybe it's just lack of discipline......