Help calling all english teachers or students. Does this make sense?

Question

I have to write an essay comparing and contrasting the ways in which adullts in these stories relate to children/young people.
I must comment on: Context,narrative techniques and how they impact the reader;how the wtiers use language,imagery and symbolism to convey the developments and changes in these relationship. This is my opening statement:

The relationships between adults and young people/children can be challenging, rewarding and heart rendering to name but a few examples. Transition for both parties: in the case of a young person/child can be turbulent with hormones shooting through the roof; in the case of an adult the realisation that they to may have to change can feel very daunting. In the short stories I will be commenting on’ Growing Up ‘Joyce Cary,’ Your Shoes’ Michele Roberts and ‘A lesson on a Tortoise’ D.H. Lawrence one or more of these emotions are experienced by the narrator/adult in the text.

Answer 1

Hi I have read the beginning of your essay. It seems really good so far. The only problem I found was that the excerpts below do not 'read' well. When read out loud one needs to read them a few times to try and understand what you are saying. This is definitely never a good first impression in an introduction of an essay. Reread them and have a look at how you can rephrase them, or get a family member/friend to read them for you. [It is generally said that you will never be truly critical of your own work. But just keep in mind that your teacher will!]

Remember your sentences do not always need to be lengthy to have an impact. It is normally the short, succinct ones that are the most impacting. Oh and personally I would choose either the word 'young people' or 'children'. By continuously reading the two words with the slash between them makes the sentences rather staccato.
GOOD LUCK!!!

[I made some changes just as a suggestion????]

"Transition for both parties - particularly in the case of a young child - can be turbulent and hormonal. On the other hand, an adult faced with the reality of change can find life enormously daunting."

"In the short stories; ’ Growing Up ‘, 'Joyce Cary' and’ Your Shoes’ by Michele Roberts I will be commenting on the transitional periods which both adult and adolescent encounter and endure. I will also examine the work of D.H. Lawrence where in his novel/book - ‘A lesson on a Tortoise’- one or more of these emotions are experienced by the adult who narrates the text."

Answer 2

Relationships between adults and young people/children can be challenging, rewarding and heart rendering. Change for both parties: in the case of a young person/child can be turbulent with hormones shooting through the roof; in the case of an adult the realisation that they too may have to change can feel very daunting. In the short stories I will be commenting on’ Growing Up‘, Joyce Cary,’ Your Shoes’ Michele Roberts and ‘A lesson on a Tortoise’ by D.H. Lawrence, one or more of these emotions are experienced by the narrator/adult in the text.


this is my edited version- but very good otherwise i think.

Answer 3

Your opening paragraph is a little bitty, and I think you mean "heart rending" not "heart rendering", and you should lose the "to name but a few examples" as a. these are not examples, and b. that phrase isn't necessary, and makes the sentence clumsy. You want it to be a statement. I'd actually then launch straight into a brief overview of the relationships in the texts you'll be looking at (the relevant characters, and what kind of relationships the authors create), as this will give a clearer idea of the direction you'll be heading in, in your essay. Don't be vague, or try to express complex ideas in a short sentence: that's what you should be doing throughout your essay. For every statement you make, give examples of close textual analysis from one of the texts, then compare/contrast with another example from one of the other texts. You want your essay to be tight, clear and easy to follow. Choose your words carefully, and don't forget to plan it: good essay structure will help you make your points more clearly and convincingly. Also, don't lose sight of the title, and go off on a tangent. Keep the points you make relevant, and back everything up with examples which you must then analyse, describing what the author's doing/showing by the way he/she's writing, and the effect it has on the reader.

Good luck, and I hope this helps!

Answer 4

Avoid the forward slash. Avoid 'to name but a few examples' say 'amongst other things' or just leave it out, they're not examples. Also get rid of that colon. 'For both parties, transition is a key element; a young person can experience...' Put the names of the authors in parenthesis. Apart from that looks pretty good.

Answer 5

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Answer 6

Use "heart-rending", not "heart rendering"

Answer 7

yaeh just use it in see what happens