My partner drinks. I knew this when we met ten years ago, but now I'm not sure if I can live with it any more

Question

HE is a lovely, kind man when he is sober. He loves me to bits, I know this. He would do anything for me, and he is so proud of me. when i met him he drank every night of the week, 10 to 14 pints plus shots. however as we weren't living together initially, and my then job entailed night work, I guess I was unaware of the extent of it. After he moved in with me, I would come home to find he had done something awful; he broke the fridge, my daughter's bike, the washing machine by deciding to fix them while he was drunk. Anyway, the point is, life changed for both of us. For family reasons, we had to move house, which meant that we bought a house together. Instead of it being just MY home, it was now OURS. And despite promises, he continued to drink. We have been to counselling; the agreement at the moment is he goes out one night a week, and doesn't drink at home. Yet I know he drinks when he leaves work. I see the cans and bottles around the house he hides. Yet I still care for him

Answer 1

Try going to an al-anon meeting (for friends and family of people with drink probs) or even an "open" AA meeting that's when friends and family are allowed in too.
No one will tell you what to do but what you hear may surprise you and from my experience it's turned my life around and my husbands who has now been sober 2 years thanks to AA and Al-anon.
You can find the meetings on the net, just do a search for Al-anon or AA. If you phone them they will arrange for someone to meet you or pick you up so you dont have to go in alone.
Good luck and i feel for you cos i know what its like and how hard it can be xx

Answer 2

The longer he continues to drink the less you will see the 'lovely kind man when he is sober' and his personality will change for the worst and you will be walking on eggshells. You say he'll do anything for you but that is not true because he is not keeping his promise not to drink at home. He is bound to have excuses as to why he drinks and he may not even want to stop. If he does want to quit then help him to find a treatment program that suits him - he may have to try a few because one size doesn't fit all, and then give him one chance to stick to it, and mean it and support him but do not let him get away with false promises and excuses otherwise the whole thing will keep going round in a vicious circle. At least at the moment he is working but think of the consequences if he loses his job because that sounds more than likely to happen if he continues to drink, then the problems will begin to drag you down.

Answer 3

It sounds like this problem has moved beyond something you or your counsler can help. I would suggest that you talk about planning and intervention with your family and counsler or a different counsler...this is kind of like a last resort either he agree's to treatment or it's over. There is more to it than that obviously but when you discuss this with your counsler they will tell you what needs to take place in order to it to work. The advice I will give however is that life is too short don't alllow youself to go on like this and be unhappy, because before you know you'll start to wonder where your life went and when was the last time you were really happy...Sometimes we have to things that are hard in order to live the lives we deserve and achive full happiness, don't sell yourself short!

Answer 4

You need to sit him down and tell him that he needs to get help, otherwise you don't think that you can live with him anymore. I know that you care for him, and maybe you should have thought about how much he used to drink when you first met him, but you need to explain the damage that he is not only doing to himself, but also to your relationship. Tell it to him straight sort it out get on an alcoholic programme, or lose me. Tell him that you will support him the best that you can but unless he gets help, you are afraid that you can no longer live like this.

Answer 5

Let me tell you something from experience. He sounds like a full blown drunk. For a drunk to stop drinking they have to want to stop. For every one i have dealt with they have to hit bottom. It's a hard ride down. Some get down and never come up. Can you handle that? Do you love him enough to take that ride down with him and hope he is able to come back up? If he doesn't come back up you will not either. Don't let him drag you down.

Answer 6

Okay the only way to help this person is to let him hit rock bottom first.Sounds like your gonna have to leave or he is.Don't you see your always there to take care of him.I know you love him but you cant help someone without giving them circumstances.If you split for a while he'll probably get in to rehab.Good luck!

Answer 7

see, i think you need to talk to your heart in this case. go to a better counsellor, try to stop him from drinking so much, or come to terms as to how many times he should drink at home or outside. you need to take an action immediately before it becomes worse. breaking things when you are drunk is a complete no no. listen to your heart as its ur best friend. all that i can tell you is that drinking so much can make his and ur life a complete mess. now its up to you. take care. and think carefully.

Answer 8

One day he might sober up, but how long are you prepared to wait for the day? There is only one solution, he must stop drinking totally with no exceptions for Xmas, New Year etc.

Answer 9

hi, he obviously thinks he can get away with it and you are an easy touch, you have to give him an ultimation he either gives up drink or he loses you, there are lots of places that give help out there he just has to decide what he can't live without you or the booze...you owe it to yourself and child to live a normal life and to be happy, what sort of impression is this having on your kids they may think it is ok to drink that much....stand firm and stick by your decision stiop giving in.

Answer 10

Wow, I usually have a smart-@ss answer, not this time.
You're not in a good situation.You have to think about your kids & yourself first. What happens when he decides to fix the heater & the gas line leaks & Boom!!.... It does'nd sound like he is abbuseive, but his problem could have dangerous consequences.