Why does my brother who is dying of aides not understand why I will not let him kiss me or my children?

Question

My brother has aids. He is dying. His first partner died of aids and now his second partner has it. His partner is HIV positive. He and his partner are angry because I have told them I do not want them kissing me or my 4 children. I have two friends that are infectious disease doctors and 1 who is an internal medicine doctor who can NOT guarantee that aids can NOT be transferred to us. Two of his friends are angry with me and I really do not care. I would like to know from someone who is gay if most gay people take a very uncaring and narrowminded position like this.

Answer 1

This is probably not gonna be a popular answer, but...I'm gay and I can understand where you're coming from. I don't think how you feel is wrong. You obviously love your brother, or you wouldn't even allow your kids to visit him. If your not comfortable with your kids kissing him, then he should be ok with that. Although the possibility of your kids getting HIV is almost 0, there is still a tiny, tiny chance that it might happen. If this makes you uncomfortable, than as a parent you have the right to make the decision.

As a gay man, I know how caddy gay people can be. They probably see your not allowing the kisses as some kind of political slap or some narrow minded viewpoint...when in actuality your just being a little over-protective of your kids. Like I said earlier, your brother is lucky that his straight brother (or sisiter) is cool with him being gay, is allowing his kids to be a part of his life, and is actually concerned enough to seek advice as to what effect a kiss might have on his kids. A lot of people in the gay community who have HIV are completely cut off from their families. I'm sure your brother is understandably emotional right now, I would try to explain to him your position, defenses down, and move on. If he doesn't understand your position then he is in the wrong. I defiantly wouldn't worry about his friends, explain it to them if you feel it's necessary...but it really isn't any of there business.

Answer 2

I do understand your worries. Of course you are worried, you are thinking about the lives of your children. Which is only coming out of your love for them. This is to me very understandable.

But there is a big tragedy in this. Your friends are wrong, it NEVER happened that someone got infected by saliva. If you are worried too much and still want to avoid any risk what so ever, you and your children could still hugg and cuddle your brother! No bodily fluids are involved in that!
But honestly, they will not get infected.
The tragedy is that your brother is dying, and you take away the affection and love from his family that he needs the most right now. It must be so hard for him not being able to hugg the ones he loves! That must make him very sad and lonely, and girl, he is dying!
For you as well. How it must feel that you can no more hugg your brother! You might regret that a lot when he is no longer there.
Honey, everyone dying from AIDS has a family. No-one ever got the disease from kissing or hugging their familymember.
Search for more information about this subject and you will find out that this is something many people have struggled with before, and that there truely is no risk with kissing or hugging.
Give yourself, your children and your brother the chance to give and get the love everyone needs... please... don't let him die without that love!

Answer 3

First of all aids CAN NOT BE TRANSMITTED THROUGH SALIVA so a kiss on the lips is FINE!!!!!! And if you know that he is dying then chances are he knows it too. How would you feel if you know your dying and your sister/brother won't let you kiss them or your nieces/nephews you can't tell them you love the or say good bye. Id be pretty ******* pissed. Im not gay but why did you just catorgize that as gay people being narrow minded and uncaring!?!?!?! YOU ARE UNCARING FOR NOT LETTING YOUR DYING BROTHER SAY GOOD BYE!!! SHAME ON YOU. If your brother has aid you should educate your self I'm 14 and know this. then again this was written in 2006 a lot more people were uneducated and homophobic then. I hope you didn't let your brother die feeling unloved. This breaks my heart.

Answer 4

I don't know that it's something you could really call an 'uncaring and narrowminded position,' although I may be biased because I can see his view a little better than I can see yours.

He's angry because your rejection hurts him; and even if it is based on understandable grounds, it still hurts. In fact, that hurt makes it even harder for him to understand your fear.

I have no idea how to resolve it, though. I can't tell you that the doctors are wrong; the risk of transferring aids through a nonsexual kiss (or even a sexual one) is extremely low (in fact, I've never heard of it happening,) but it can't be ruled out with absolute certainty. And I can't tell him not to take your reaction to that personally.

Answer 5

He does not understand because you are the one being uncaring and narrowminded. AIDS is not transmissable by saliva, and even if it was I doubt he'd be swapping spit with you or your kids. Just because it is not absolutely set in stone does not mean that it is an infinitesimally small chance that the virus would even make it into your/kids body, let alone cause HIV. You're denying him the opportunity to demonstrate affection toward you and your children when he is dying, so that's why he's so upset!

Answer 6

Look at the pot calling the kettle black! You are so heck bent on being "correct" on this matter, that you are rejecting the closeness that your brother is so desperately needing and wanting. Why, with a cold fish like you - I'm not certain. Everything about your question reeks of righteous indignation -- as if you are the injured party. All I can say is "Shame on you."
There are other ways of expressing closeness, and I don't see you offering that up to him - like warm, affectionate hugs. If he only wanted a kiss and nothing else, maybe you'd have a point - but you aren't saying that. You seem to be rejecting your brother just at a point where he needs you most. This isn't a gay thing with your brother or your friends -- but perhaps it's a homophobic thing with you and your self importance. Get off of your soap box, this ain't about you lady -- it's about your dying brother wanting some comfort and connectedness to his family. If you care one iota about him, I strongly suggest you clean up your act before it's too late. Someday, that person in the hospital bed suffering may be you -- and, maybe you will have some devastating virus that causes one to become isolated. You are teaching your children to treat such persons like lepers. Then, this circle will widen - and corrode what little understanding and empathy you have planted in their hearts. I strongly suggest you educate yourself more fully and not look for guarantees about kissing, and perhaps find ways to be close without swapping spit, if that's what you're concerned about. There is still time to alter your perspective. You don't need gays opinions or medical opinions. You need to find your humanity. Where did you ever lose it? Is there any hope to find it before it's too late? The choice is yours. I strongly urge you to do the right thing.

Answer 7

He's your brother, so I'll assume you're not deep kissing. The risk of getting the disease from other kissing is SO low, it may as well be nonexistent. No one's going to guarantee you it's impossible, because it's not impossible: it's just REALLY REALLY unlikely. I try not to judge people on something like this, but at the same time I think you should at least understand what the odds actually are that you're in any danger. If I were in his position, I'd definitely feel hurt and abandoned though.

Answer 8

I see why your brother is dying, you are taking him to a doctor that don't know what he is doing. I have been HIV+ for 13 years seen lots of doctors and they all agree that you cannot get aids by kissing, but you do need to get your brother to a better doctor, there is people in my support group that has been HIV+ for 24 years and they are all very health.

Answer 9

Nobody can guarantee that your children won't be run over and hit by a truck tomorrow...but there is probably more chance of that happening than them getting aids from kissing your brother.
If you don't care, as you say you don't, then why are you asking this question? I think your behaviour is one of very poor judgement in this issue...but you have already made up your mind. I think it's your , your children's (and unfortunately your brother's) loss.

Answer 10

im not gay, but as you said your doctor friends cannot guarantee that it will not be transferred to you, but did they specify how can it be transferred to you? im sure they cant also guarantee that it will be transferred to you by kissing. usually AIDS is not transmissible by saliva, why? because saliva is such a harsh environment for HIV to live in, Know you HIV is very vulnerable outside the body. the risk of transmitting HIV via kissing exists because the possiblity of blood in the saliva which could be infectious. but saliva itself cant be a resevoir for HIV.

you are upset that your brother and his friends dont get your point and is a good point to protect yourself and family, but its normal for your brother to feel upset and mad because he feels rejected, isolated, maybe he just wants love and support that you may not provide because your too afraid or he just wants a family. and the way you reacted to him probably as he seen it is an act of of rejection and disgust. its easy to understand someone if you try to put yourself in that persons shoe but i dont know who didnt try doing that.