Can you lose yourself in the "Gay Identity"?

Question

To preface: just came out. I don't want anything major to change in my life and i'm finding myself changing to the suit. I feel like now that i'm out i'm bombarded with people pressuring me (not conciously) of how to be and how to act. I just want to act normal and be a normal person, but I have to walk around with people coming up to me apologizing for the anti-gay remarks they said in the past and having ever rising expectations. I know the answers i'm going to get is be yourself and yadda yadda, which I am despite everything, but I want to know if others in the same situation have felt the same way. (What was it like entering the gay world for you?) As a minor note, I have to say that my first experience in a gay bar was terrifying, lol! I felt completely naked. I understand the way women feel because walking in it's like you are a peice of meat. Dealing with guys hitting on you and the 'no thanks', and not being able to just relax and have a good time. Sorry for the rant! :)

Answer 1

When I came out, I had many of the same problems. I'm a lesbian, and the "piece of meat" feeling is the same for us, not as bad, because women don't work like that, but still there. I got alot of apologies, and still do 10 yrs later, about past jokes and "that's so gay" comments. I think that people do that as a way to make themselves feel better about themselves and the stupid things that they say. Not that they wont continue to say them, just not to you.

The gay bar, lol. Oh my god, the first time I went to the dyke bar was traumatizing. I felt so alone, and I was alone, which didn't help. Had not one gay friend.I felt like everyone was staring at me. I worried wether or not I looked like a lesbian. But unlike straight bars, alot of people took me under their wing and the feeling in a gay bar is alot more comfortable. There definitely is an expectation of the way we look and act in the gay community, I think it is one of the things that we do to make ourselves better than the straight community. But, you should act however you feel comfortable, people will love you regardless. Welcome newbie, may your new gay life be fabulous!

Answer 2

I've been there, but for me I later realized that me wanting to "just be normal" was really me wanting REALLY hard to not be what everyone expected me to be. That is, I felt this weird responsibility to counter-act all the stereotypes, and any thing I did or didn't do I started having issues with if it wasn't normal butch-guy stuff. Which, of course, is stupid. As for people apologizing about anti-gay stuff: they should. And they shouldn't be doing it again, whether they're in front of you or not because now they know that they can't tell which of their friends they may be offending. Especially because you just came out, I think what you're describing is really normal; it takes time to integrate the "gay identity" into your full identity.


Sidenote: not gonna lie, I LOVE queer space. I feel really "at home" and comfortable and safe, and I'll admit, I like the attention (even if I"m not into the guys, as long as it's not past the point of creepy). Queer bars / clubs are among the few places where I CAN relax and have a good time. ::shrug::

Answer 3

It can be hard not to think otherwise when you first come out because most people i knew did the same thing. Well be talking and they'll say something like "that's gay" and then look straight at me and start saying sorry etc. It still happens once in a blue moon but once people realize that your not going to change and your not a different person now that you've "come out" things will go back to normal.

I now feel like i can finally act like my true self and if that's acting like a lesbian sometimes then so be it. I still like to get all dolled up in a nice dress with some heals and act all girly when i want. My friends and family are finally realizing that I'm still the same.

All you have to remember is just because now that people know your gay you don't have to wave your hands around when you talk and your voice isn't going to change and you don't have to start calling everyone hunny and darling :)
Just continue being the person you already are!!

xoxo

Answer 4

I really have to deffer to the previous answer here.
I had a similar experience, but it didn't bother me as much as it is you.
I just shrugged off the come-ons and apologies as they didn't seem to bother me before I came out, which they didn't.

I'm still just my same'ol self. I'm not overly "masculine" as to reject my female side or "feminine" to over exaggerate the fact that I am female. I'm fairly middle of the road and always have been. I guess as a female it's a bit easier but yeah my first lesbian bar experience was quite similar. I really felt vulnerable and exposed. But instead of being hit on constantly I was pretty much ignored, which can be just as traumatic.
The ironic thing is I had always felt extremely comfortable in gay bars with my gay male friends, but as soon as I went to a lesbian bar it was as if I was being analyzed from head to toe as to how I measured up to other lesbians. That was unnerving to say the least.
Then when I ordered a drink I was made to feel as if I had committed some heinous crime by not ordering a beer or a shot, I actually ordered a non-frilly mixed drink. I think I totally stumped the bartender too...she had not a clue as to what a "vodka gimlet" was and I had to walk her through it.

Answer 5

You won't lose yourself in a gay identity. The novelty will wear off the new experiences and you adapt to a somewhat new way of thinking. The essence of who you are will be the same, but you'll evolve too. But guess what? You would have evolved anyway, regardless of what you identify as...its human nature. You aren't the same man you were 5 years ago, and you won't be the same man in 5 years. Life changes us over time, it isn't a bad or a good thing its just the nature of being human.

Relax and make the best of what life hands you. From the sounds of it, you'll do great.

Answer 6

I think that everyone is afraid of any kind of change because there is the fear that they are going to lose themselves in it. Right now, the fact that you are openly gay is very new to you and to those who know you. I think that with time, it will become "old news" and it will start to feel like people have always known. You are still the same person, it's just that people may need some time to realize it and get used to it.

Congratulations on coming out. Best of luck.

Answer 7

I can totslly associate with how you are feeling and inevitably you are going to feel that something has to change in you and your inter-actions with others. The reality is nothing has changed you have just realised a part of yourself and that is all part of the voyage of self discovery. The best thing I can say to you is that everyone will have gone through or might even be currently going through what you are. It takes time, there is no exact time frame for these kind of things, but you'll find your way and find that it's all just about finding what you are or are not comfortable with.

Answer 8

The only way you can lose yourself in the gay identity is to deny who you were before coming out. When I came out, it felt like I had entered a different world and that I was expected to act differently than I had before.
As time went by, I realized it was my own feelings adjusting to me accepting who I was and not pretending to be someone else. Before I came out I was not a typical straight person, and after I came out I was not a typical gay person. I gradually found myself and stopped listening to others telling me what I should be and settled on just being me.

Answer 9

Did the same thing when I first came out...went to a bar by myself ..didn't know anyone or anything...I was young, blonde and naive...wow! I was really terrified.(And it was a heavy leather bar!)Everyone was using gay terminology that I didn't understand..and you know all the rest. But since then --after a few years-- I just act normal....and if you do people will treat you normally. That doesn't mean that you have to take sh*t from anyone...it just means that you are free to be you.

Answer 10

It doesn't sound to me like you're losing yourself -- it's the people around you who are now having to come to terms with their own behaviors. The same people who engaged in anti-gay slurs are now having to deal with what they say hurting an actual human being.

Have you gotten to the point yet where someone has said, "My next door neighbor, Brent, is gay... do you know him?" Like we all know each other in our secret clubhouses where we... I've said too much!

I'm not going to say "be yourself." Your self will change with circumstances. Now, you have more open circumstances and other people are going to have to deal with it. It will die down after a while. Live through this.

and... CONGRATULATIONS!!! It's a gay!