Am I being too sensitive?

Question

I have been married for 23 yr. I married when I was 18 after having dated only my husband from the age of 15.5. After all these years I still cannot get used to my husband screaming at me and always telling me I am "stupid" if he gets even slightly irritated. I have tried everything I know to convey to him how hurtful this is but it never stops. help me somehow to find a way to cope with this. I am the type of person who will laugh to keep from crying. I am an internalizer. It's just the way he makes me feel when he talks to me 80% of the time. Like I am a low-life. And yet at other times he is kind too me, tells me how much he appreciates all that I do for him. Whats your take?

Answer 1

These people that are calling you "stupid" or saying "wise up" and all of these cut and dry answers are not being very sensitive. The way he is making you feel has got to stop. That much is true. It's not as easy as all of these bumper-sticker type answers that you are receiving. Like me, these people are not in your shoes, it's easy to say to "wise up" or some of the other suggestions. You are the only one that knows your entire set of circumstances. One thing, you say that you "convey" how it hurts and you are the type of person to laugh to keep from crying. The very next time he calls you stupid or makes you feel like a low-life, don't hold back your tears! Don't just "convey" your feelings to him. Cry your eyes out! Show him immediately how badly it hurts you when he makes you feel that way. You have got to overcome this "internalizer" thing you say that you are. It will be hard I am sure. It's been alot of years that you have held back what's going on with you deep down emotionally. He is probably the last person on earth you could really feel like you could talk to about this. If you want to cope with it, you have to bring it out in a big way to him and then see how he reacts to how hurt you truly are by seeing your emotions when you let them out. You may be pleasantly surprised. He may not realize how serious the problem is because you have never really let him know. See how he reacts to your true emotions over the long period of time that you have held back and then take it from there.

Answer 2

Been there, done that, got the T shirt and wore it out. Married a screamer when I was 19, sucked it up until we had kids (after 17 years) and couldnt stand that he screamed at them the same way he screamed at me. I left him for the sanity and wellbeing of the kids, and it was the best decision I have ever made.

You are too valuble, and your life is too precious to live like this. i understand you taking this abuse, but that still doesnt make it right. He has problems, and you have tried to change him for 23 years. Guess what, people dont change unless they want to. Found that out the hard way. You have a good 40 years ahead of you. Do you want to live it as a "low life" or as the wonderful person you are?

Answer 3

The next time he starts yelling, look him straight in the eye and tell him "You will not speak to me that way anymore. I am not stupid. I am not someone you can yell at just because you are frustrated. I will not take this abuse. Stop it, now". Refuse to be treated that way. Leave the room, leave the house. Do this everytime he starts in. I would also try counseling, both on your own and as a couple. It really does help. You are not a trash can for him to deposit his negative emotions in. You are caring & strong woman that can care for her husband without having to carry the burden of his weak emotional character. It doesn't matter that he's "appreciative" at other times. It does not excuse his bad behavior. Good luck to you and I hope you work it out.

Answer 4

We teach people how to treat us- and for over 23 years you have taught this guy that it is ok to scream at you and call you stupid. You say you have tried to convey to him how hurtful these behaviors are. What have you tried? You say you are looking for a way to cope with his actions. It is not possible to cope with these insults and retain your self respect.

You need to sit down with him - not in the midst of an arguement- and firmly tell him - "Hey- it stops now." Tell him the next time he insults or demeans you- you are leaving. Try marriage counseling. If he won't go- go by yourself.

Answer 5

Not at all. You should have better treatment than this. I don't believe in divorce, but that is getting close to abuse. Try to get him some help because he is probably acting out his disappointment in his own life on you. If he doesn't want help, I think you might just have grounds to do what you need to. Good luck and p.s. -don't believe the put downs. I know its hard bucause I had an ex wife abuse me like this for years and I still hear her words echo in my head to this day. And I reationally know she is a crazy ------. But it dosent make it easier.

Answer 6

Maybe he has a bad liver - no joke. Hepatitis or cirrosis can cause hormonal changes and give someone a bad temper. Check out some web sites on these liver problems and their side effects if you don't believe me.
If it isn't his liver, he has issues with other things, but not with you. He is fighting with himself. When he starts yelling at you out of anger, at that point, he is really talking about himself. When he calls you stupid, he is really calling himself stupid. At that point you have to change your point of view. Realize he is talking to himself. He is having a battle in his head. You just happen to be there to absorb his anger. He is using you to let off 'steam'. Otherwise he will have a nervous breakdown. It sounds like you really love this guy, be thankful you are there to listen to him. Imagine he is in a boxing ring fighting with Mike Tyson. You can't believe he will be receptive to you if you are offering him a 'cup of tea'. You are not a low life. He hasn't been able to cope with things in life - and he doesn't like it when things don't go his way. Imagine a 3 year old stacking blocks and they keep falling over when he gets to the 10th one. He wants to put that 11th one on, but it keeps falling over. He will get very angry he can't control the situation.
Do what my wife does. If I yell at her about something, she'll say, "Well I see you are fighting youself again." or she'll say, "You know, empty bottles make the most noise."

Answer 7

"I have tried everything" even leaving him? until you try this option you haven't tried everything." find a way to cope with this" no person has to ever do this, open your eyes that are blinded by the love you have for him, he isn't going to change till you put your foot down and make a stand for what is right, start by seeking out info on DIVORCE and leave them around the house, he may open his eyes at the same time.

in any case no one ever needs to be in a relationship that their partner treats them in this way, NEVER EVER. look at it from this view, if you daughter was being treated this way would you sit by and say nothing at all?

Answer 8

Well, even though he does appreciate you sometime, that is no reason for him to abuse you and treat you like a low life. Talk to him and draw the limits.

Your self esteem is the most important thing.

Answer 9

You married a jerk, sorry about that. If you can take a break, try dating someone else and learn for yourself that not all men are suck jerkwads. You have every right to be happy in life, if that means divorced from him then so be it, find someone who will respect you.

Answer 10

Act like you're interested in someone else and that someone else is interested in you too. And then tell him that other person doesn't call you names and belittle you 80% of the time.

After you have his attention you can show him this advice (print it and save it to show him later) and then maybe he will realize how hurtful his comments to you have been.

That's the best I can give you.