How can you make a blended family work with 5 children, 2 of his, 2 of mine, and 1 of ours?

Question

I have been with my husband now for almost 8 years, but we just recently got married. We have five children 14, 10, 10, 8, and 6. My two older childrens' father is not in the picture but his 2 older childrens' mother is. Our problem is is that there is constant fighting and ganging up on each other. I know it is common for children to fight, but it just has gotten out of control to the point where we end of arguing. I love him and his children very much, but I also love my children and I know it is wrong to have them grow up in an environment where there is stress and fighting from their parental figures. I need for this marriage to work but how can it. We have my stepsons 3-4 days a week usually. When they are here if they do something wrong, usually, they don't get in trouble even if I explain I think there should be consequences for their actions. But they don't get any, so I feel disrespected. Also, my 14 year old stepson and I just don't see eye to eye but I want to. What to do?

Answer 1

keep them occupied and stuff like play card games so they can all get to know each others limits
sounds like you have a "full house"
lol
play "no limit " poker
really a game of hearts,
monopoly,
they need to decide which ones get along with which
and communication is the answer
but just like dogs,
there has to be a
'leader of the pack'

Answer 2

First you and your husband need to talk. You two are running a company and everybody needs to work under the same rules. You are the leaders in this groupe and if the kids feel the COs are indifferent they can use this to their own advantige. This is not a good learning for kids.
Start, make a time table where each grown up spends time alone with each kid. A day outting is good. Do things where you have to work together. Rafting, hicking, take a pottery class....anything where they can not get away. And then do the same with the whole family, the kids need to learn a feeling of togetherness. Try camping, a day at the beach.
They also all need to do work around the house, all of you together.
Whatever you two adults do, you have to do as a single unit. It all sticks together or falls apart with you two. And think about 15 year into the future....do you want you xmas dinner to be all out war every year?? If no, you have to start, planning for tomorrow today - Together!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

Yours mine and ours huh?
Same here 5 of his, one of mine and one of ours.
The last resort would be some parental counseling. There are therapist that specialize in this area. I think they would be a huge benefit to you guys. If you don't want to go that route your hubby and you need to sit down and put together some "house rules"
what is apporpriate and not. Then put together some courtesy rules. Then dicsipline list should they choose not to cooperate. Also explain to your hubby what you have said about the step sons and no consequences and how it makes you feel. It is part of his job to see to it you are not disprepected. One of the first things that needs to happen before you can expect the kids to change is to be supportive of eachother, respect and show the kids you are on the same team and what either mom or dad says goes. No ifs and or buts about it. When you have all that straight between the two of you sit the kids down. Let them know this is going to be the way it is, do they have anything to add or say. Be firm and stick to your guns. Pay special attention to the rules with their interactions, bickering, and respecting you. Also offer rewards for the good behavior. Like with the younger kids. Get a jar and some muffin papers. Put one color of m&m's in one and another in the other cup. Take 1 m&m each time they break the rules and add another one or a quarter when they do well. Choose something diff for the older ones. Another thing would be to make the younger children hold hands when they begin bickering and don't let them up until they can get along....sounds silly but works. As for the older ones, take something away or ground them. Also try "lines" for the older ones. "I will not lie, or I will not swear. Start with writing it 20 times and go up from there....when I was younger I had gotten up to 500!!!!! Eventaully they will learn it is not fun, and they will quit.
The 2 of you really need to be on the same page though. Give it a try!
And goodluck!
In any case your hubby and you need to be one the SAME page and show the kids that.

Answer 4

I agree, a couple should only have a child together for the very sake that they WANT to have a child with each other, not for any other reasons and especially not just to call the child "ours." What message would that send to the children already in existence? Children need to feel included and completely wanted. When two people get married, they form a union to become one. Their children from a previous marriage are a part of them, therefore when the union is formed, so is the union of family, so there should never be an issue of "your's, mine, and our's."

Answer 5

Tough question mom, but a good one. The first thing you need to do is sit down with your husband, and have a heart to heart. Set certain ground rules for ALL the children...no exceptions. In doing this, it completes the family as a unit...which eliminates any sort of "special treatment" when it comes to the children. Once you and the hubby have this ironed out. It's time to call a family meeting...everyone must be present. And this is not a time to lecture, yell or argue. This is a time to acknowledge that there is a problem in the family and that you and your husband want to work it out so that you can all live peacefully under one roof. At this meeting you and your husband will speak first...you will, without interruption, express your concerns together(key word there mom). Then each child will get a turn to express their concerns (always best to start with the oldest). After that child has expressed his/her concerns, address them right away by asking that child what you and your husband could do to make the problem better. Then make your own suggestion and reach a compromise. Do this with each child. This way everyone has a voice, it's being heard and knowing that mom and dad acknowledge the problems and are willing to work through them with the children will create a sense of unity in the family. Now here comes the fun part.....after the problems are heard, introduce a complaint box. (use a shoe box, put it on the counter with a slit in it) Explain to the children that if they have a new problem, they are to write it down, place it in the box and one day a week, you'll have a family meeting to resolve the issue together.

I know this may sound off the wall, but blended families are very common in this day and age and the majority of the problems stem from the parents giving each of their own children different privelages. It creates resentment, jealousy and endless arguments. In doing this little project, you are opening the lines of communication with the children. You are giving respect to the teenager and he's noticing that you care enough to make this work. It also brings all of you closer together when solutions to the problems are made jointly between the parents and the children. They learn compromise, tolerance and acceptance of their new lives.

In time, things are going to improve honey. It might not happen in the first week, but within a month, you are going to notice some big changes if you are committed and stick with this. Opening the lines of communication are the key and this works wonders for doing that, it also brings the family closer together.

I don't have a blended family, but I do have five children and one of them was a bonus child (my only girl that I raised since she was five and she's now 20...she's mine) Our boys are 15, 12, 8, 5 and we have had our fair share of constant bickering. I read this idea in a book called "Bringing up boys" and since then I haven't looked back. It's been years since they've argued and to have a fifteen year old call when he's at a friend's house just to say goodnight, makes me feel that initiating this years ago, truly brought our family closer together. We all respect each other, they know that if they have a problem they can come to us with it and if they have a problem with each other, I'll sit them down at the kitchen table across from each other, while I'm at the end, and have them work out their own resolution. (There are rules to this..no yelling, no name calling and only one can speak at a time...I'm also not allowed to intervene...just listen and give advice when and if they ask). I swear by this, I've given this advice to countless parents (I'm a social worker) and they too, have not only thanked me for it, but they've passed it along.

I also wanted to comment on the 14 yr old. Honey, he's going to be a little harder to get to accept this. There are hormones raging, at this age, he knows it all and according to him, you know nothing. Give it time using this and eventually he'll come around. You've been with his dad for 8 yrs, he knows you aren't going anywhere, and right now he's testing you and trying to put a wedge between you and his father. If you do the communication thing, he'll realize it's not going to work and will start to come around. I wish you the best of luck, all the patience in the world and the strength of God honey....but keep in mind...you've been a mom for a long time, you can do this and you know you can! Moms have this funny way of making things work when they need to....this is one of those things sweetie.

Answer 6

Next time you say don't and they do BUST THEIR AZZES!!!!! Kids need direction and where their boundaries are so in no uncertain terms let them know. You are the adult,they are the kids.You tell them what is and isn't After one warning do what I say,no ifs and or buts,!!!!Make no mention of their father taking care of matters as you are the adult and YOU WON'T STAND FOR ANY MORE DISRESPECT and then start busting azz!!!I Don't stand and argue with a kid cause my motto is "do as I say or suffer the consequences and then lay on the consequences"

Answer 7

its very hard. between my partner and i we have only 3 kids. two are his, 4&18mths, my one, 9. they fight like cats and dogs too but i consider myself to be a very strict parent. i dont let them have one over me and i definatly dont let them affect my relationship. if you guys broke up,the kids would be happy.not you. kids can be very selfish i dont care how much they rant and rave, we are the boss of them. if it was the other way around, we wouldve broke up ages ago. its time to let them deal with their own issues themselves, cos you cant fight your kids battles.if they dont like it its tuff titties! good luck!

p.s. with your step-son, you cant make everybody happy. he'll need to get over it.

Answer 8

I'm not sure what to do. :( sry