In a relationship with a married man, his wife found out today. What can I expect to happen next.?

Question

I have been in a relationship with him for a year and a half. I love him with everything in my heart and he feels the same. Someone told her and now everything is crazy. I am not sure what to do and what to expect. My husband knows as well, though our relationship was over before I got involved with the married man. We were seperated but living in the same house in different bedrooms. It was for the kids. The married man however was not in the same situation. I was not his first affair either. There were several others over a 15 year period, but he never told any of them that he loved them. He continues to call me even though the wife knows now and she wants him to see a shrink and go to marriage counseling. What do I do. Help. I am not a bad person, but I fell in love with him and I can't imagine life without him. Do I tell him that or keep my mouth shut and see what he does? He doesn't want to lose his kids. Help...

Answer 1

Ugh...what a mess. Look, no one is perfect and there are a ton of people on here who will tell you what a bad person you are because of this scenario. First and foremost, please remember no one has the right to judge you. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone hurts people...nobody is above this. Please don't listen to all the horrible words posted here. It doesn't make you a "bad" person...but you are troubled and confused and this situation is only going to lead to so much hurt and pain for so many people, especially the kids. I hate to say this, but most likely he will stay with his wife. I know you love him and can't imagine a life without him, but you have to right now. You're both obviously in marriages that aren't working. This is where you need to focus your efforts right now. If you're so in love with him wouldn't you want him fully devoted to you? I thought so. And if he truly loves you, then he'll want to be with YOU and only you. For your own health, well-being and safety, stay away from this right now. If there's any hope for the two of you, it will be later on when all the issues have been dealt with and all the pain has healed. I wish you all the best.

Answer 2

You may not be a bad person but you have made some very destructive decisions. I don't know how old you are- probably pretty young but- honey- it is time to wake up and smell the coffee.

First of all- love is not something that just happens to us. You decide who to fall in love with. You decided to fall for a married man- a habitual cheater with children. No way that will ever end up happily- not even in a fairy tale.

What can you expect to happen next? The guy's wife is apparently willing to work with him. He needs to see that shrink. A good shrink will help him to piece his marriage back together so that his kids are not scarred any more than they already are. You need to summon up the moral courage to step aside and allow this to happen. You need to start imagining life without him. When he calls you - be strong and HANG UP.

You should seek some counseling to get you through the hard times ahead and maybe to explore why you made such a destructive choice. If your relationship with your husband is over- why not divorce him? Or maybe it can be salvaged. Only you know. Have the 2 of you tried marriage counseling? Do your kids need help? This must be hard for them too. You may need to get them into counseling or you may start to see some behaviors you don't like.

And that line about how he never told any of the others that he loved them- what a load of crap. Of course he did.

If you two had wound up together- or if by some quirk of fate you still do- sooner or later he will cheat on you too. It is probably better that it has all hit the fan now so that you can go about picking up the pieces of your broken life. Good luck.

Answer 3

I'm not sure anyone really answered your question.... And why give yourself only two choices? Why not do both? Hang on... Please try not to say hurtful things to him.. This is tough for both of you ~ Try to be supportive but don't rule out going out with someone else... In other words don't let him take you for granted. I do agree to give him some space and not appear to be waiting about for him... That will help put his mind at ease but no one - including yourself can just stop loving someone overnight. I think it's really important you realize that you should not have became involved with a married man as everyone else has so cleverly pointed out to you... But too late ~ You're in love with each other and that IS incredibly important. You're not last on his priority list... He's being irrational thinking he's going to loose his kids completely ~ He won't. You both need to be patient while this gets sorted out. She's using children as a bargaining chip which is far more messed up than you falling in love with a married guy... Please don't discount your importance to him.... Would you be so in love with a man that could just walk away from his children without a second thought? Perhaps you found a man that is worthy of a better woman - Have you take that into consideration?

Answer 4

Perhaps it's time to look at what you think of yourself that you would allow your time to be taken by someone who doesnt respect his wife, his children, or you enough to be honest with any of you.

Why would you pine after a man who is so clearly unable to keep his word and his commitment? Don't you value honesty and integrity? Don't you deserve respect? Doesn't his wife? From you and her husband?

If you truly love him, then step aside and allow him the space to make a decision. He's an adult (although he's more like a kid in a candy store) and will need to think for himself on this one.

Meanwhile, take a good hard look at what you want from your life. You say you have kids - would you ever want your children to feel the way you do? Would you want to cause them the same pain that your lover's children are going to feel when they find out about their dad's infidelities? If the answer to that is no, then my friend, you should start living a life that your children can learn from. Respect, integrity. Honesty. Values. These are all things that children learn from the way their parents behave. Don't set yourself up for any more heartache. If he's done it before, he'll do it again. But the next time, he'll be cheating on YOU.

Answer 5

I am in a simular position at the moment...though my relationship has only been going for 6 months. I know how bad (and quilty) you feel! This is what i am doing - the best thing is to isolate yourself from this person. If that means moving away or changing jobs, do it. get a hobby or interest and throw yourself into it (helps take your mind off things). Take charge! Tell him that you don't want to be seen as the bad person in all of this (as you will be) and this is how it has to be. Let him sort out his marriage without you interfering (even if thats not what you are doing, it is what his wife will be thinking!!) If you are meant to be together, he will separate from his wife and come to you later on down the track once everything is over, but don't hold your breath or wait for him!! It is a very hard choice to have to make but generally the only one who comes out the loser in this sort of relationship is you....he will probably stay married, keep his family unit and his wife will keep him, and you?? Well...

Answer 6

I would hope that the married woman would find out where you live and confront you, maybe trash your car and make sure that those around you know that you are a cheater and immoral. It is wrong to take up with a married man and ruin someones life. You are gullible and selfish. If you are not happy in your marriage then tell your husband and file for divorce... THEN go look for someone new... Men get so much crap for cheating but every time a man cheats he is with a woman like you who does not mind stealing time from his family, stealing money from them by allowing another man to shower your with gifts and attention... Honestly, I can't believe you have the nerve to ask your question! You want to know what to expect... your co-cheater is going to drop you like a hot potato and scramble to save his *** and his marriage... You say you are not a "bad" person but the moment you flirted with this guy or knew that he was married, you helped him to do wrong... so what if you were not his first affair... a whole bunch of wrongs never add up to a right. You should walk away from both of your relationships, find a focus to your life and stay away from married men! The whole problem in this world is that everyone is rasied to know right from wrong and it seems too many people don't have the guts to do what is right instead of what they want... here endeth the lesson.

Answer 7

I know it seems like you love him so much, but you deserve someone that is free to be with you. Try to get your life in order, divorce your husband if there is no hope, and find someone who is truly your soulmate. I had a relationship with a married man 15 years ago and it hurt when I broke it off. I knew it wasn't right and I felt guilty. But although it hurts at first, you will get over it! It sounds like your lover's wife wants to keep him and get him into marriage counseling. All married men with kids use that as an excuse to try to have their cake and eat it too.

Answer 8

Well you have gotten yourself in quite a pickle. Unfortunately your not going to find much pity in these parts. What you are going through is one of the chances one takes when one becomes the other woman. However, you forgot that no good can come of an affair. (for any party involved)

No, your not a bad person. You made a poor life choice. Let go of him, seriously. Look what his choices are doing to his family. Pain and heartache. You helped cause that. Even if he leaves his wife, would you ever really be able to trust him? He cheated on her with you, who is to say that one day your situation wouldn't be reversed.

Answer 9

I think you should forget about him. Let him take care of his problems. this guy has some serious problems that he needs to deal with. Even though you love him for now it may seem like the hardest thing too do. He doesn't want to let go of his marriage. If he has cheated on her that many times. If your not happy in your marriage you need to let go of your husband as well. And find someone that isn't married and be happy with. and no you are not a bad person. he is he was the one that decided to cheat on his wife that many times.

Answer 10

What is wrong with some people nowadays? Doesn't the words "To Forsake Others" mean anything anymore? Why should you be upset because his wife found out? You have no right to be upset! You should be ashamed of yourself. Him as well. Do you even realize the hurt you're causing to his wife?

I absolutely have zero tolerance for women like you! You KNEW he was married but yet you continue to have a relationship with him. And don't try to justify your actions by saying that your marriage was over. As far as I'm concerned, your marriage isn't over until you finalize your divorce.

What do you think will happen now? I can guess that he won't leave his wife, not even for you. If he was so unhappy with her to begin with, why hasn't he left her yet to be with you, huh? You can continue to play stupid and believe his lies that he still loves you but as long as he's still with his wife, you are just a booty call. Take it or leave it.