how to improve my marriage which is in trouble?

Question

We've only been married 2 years less a week, and we've suffered 3 pregnancy losses, we gave birth to a stillborn 21 week old daughter 10 dyas ago, had to put my 17 year old cat to sleep this morning. Our personalities are similar and if not for all this trouble we'd be happy, but I'v very depressed, we show our depression in different ways. Also I don't want to adopt (long story - please just understand and not try to talk me out of it) and I think I'v given up on trying again to conceive (4 losses) but he really wants children. Do we stand a chance? I want to still be with him forever, what can I do to make it happen and be happy with him again?

We can't AFFORD a surrogate mother.
Do you think it's possible for us to just be happy with the two of us forever and NO CHILDREN? I don't want to adopt (long story) I don't want to adopt. That isn't an option.

also as far as "waiting a while before trying again". I'm almost 39 so we can't wait much longer and I'm not ready to try again so soon after such a huge loss. I need to heal. I think it's too late. I think I'm reaady to face a childless life but what about him?

I HAVE been tested for ALL issues related to fertility. Doctors have found NOTHING wrong. I am of the 50% of people who are unable to carry a pregnancy of which there is no reason they can find or fix.

Answer 1

girl you need a rest. Try to foccus on something else for awhile. Is it amed. reason you have this problem? Try to build a relationship with your hubby that is strong enough to be without children. Take trips, do exciting things now while you can, and enjoy just the two of you for now. time for children will come later when you both have setled down and know each other better. Your stress of having children maybe hurting you. Build a life on just the two of you first. You must be happy with him and you first before you have children. children cannot be the reason for the two of you to be happy. It will never work. I talk from experence. My children have learned that babies don't make a marrage work, only the two of you can do that. Do step one first and just be happy together as one. Then bring children in at the right time.

Answer 2

i think the two of you should totally set aside any idea of children for at least 1 or two years.
you both need time to grief the loss of the babies.
i think you should attempt to behave the way you did toward each other prior to marriage fan the flames.
both of you should be aware that you might be in a very deep reactive deep depression and you are dealing with the change in being with child and now not.
you have more then a chance after all did you two get married for the soul purpose of having children. what about the growing old together bit . what did you both think would happen if you had kids and they grew up and left . did you think that would be the end of any reason to stay together.
as far as you saying you give up on having children ok do what i said wait at least one or two years but then see the best O B G Y N you can find and see if there is something that can be done to
fix the miscarriage part.
another thing is that when a couple gets married they become one and they take vows to remain that way but it seems not to many people know what a vow is if they did there would be much fewer divorces.
in the marriage at least at a christian marriage one of the last things the clergyman says is what God has joined together let no man put assunder. that does not mean males only it means all mankind.
you to are one now until death and that is acording to God so the inability to bear children is not just your inability its both or yours he too is unable
god has some reason why the babies were called back to him we dont know why but i am sure it was a good one.
if god wants you too to have kids then you will even if that means they come to you by another route and if he does not want you to have children then nothing you can do will change that . its god who breaths the breath of life into us not some test tube
l will pray for both of you and i hope you pray for yourselfs and the marriage.
i am sorry about the loss of the children and i know that its not a lack of faith or will that is causing you to be depressed its just the process of grief. ps i am sorry your cat died but i wonder did you have a litter box in the house if so if you were looking after that or if he was but you were not at all times well away from it . really long shot but might have been a factor it does state this on the litter i buy no women who are pregnant or nursing should go near the litter. just a thought wait the year or two pray rest accept love trust . when your both ready make it a point to have some fun together lots of fun just like when you first started dating
after all that was so good you both thought this person is so fun and nice and all i love them so you got married just run through that part again and see what happens.

Answer 3

I'm sorry you've had so much pain, I really can't imagine. I think the key here is give it time you just lost a child. You realize that both of you are dealing with the pain and lose in two different ways, so first I would determine if he understands you way of dealing and make sure you know his way of dealing. This way you don't hurt each other more by not understanding or mistaking the others way of dealing as an insult. This of course will probably need to be determined by having a conversation about it (I know men aren't usually into this sort of thing). Next I think you would agree that some sort of counseling will be in order. I do believe you have a chance, you have to want to make it work. Just remember that even though your situation is hard someone out there has been through worse! I know you want a baby and I think the best thing for you to do is work very closely with your doctor maybe there is something that has been over looked something more they can help you with. Don't give up on a child or your marriage.

I will pray for you, keep God as a center in your marriage cause when he's there ever thing is better! God Bless you and have a peaceful evening.

Answer 4

You can absolutely have a wonderful marriage without children - and live a fulfilling life. I have known wonderful childless couples who are happy with the freedom of being able to drop everything and travel, use extra money to buy a vacation home, or just enjoy spending money on their nephews and nieces. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You have gone through terrible trauma over the past couple of years and it is only normal you feel the way you do. I would suggest asking your husband if it would be all right if you could stop trying to have children for a year or so. I know you are concerned about your age but I know several women who have had children in their early 40's as well. There could still be a miracle baby on the way - however, the more stressed you are the less likely that will happen. If he still wants children after that full year of time-off, then you may need to reconsider adoption - and explore the reasons why you are so desperately opposed to the idea.

Answer 5

Oh, I'm so sorry for all of your losses! There are no words that could describe your grief! Do you and your husband go to church, or practice any kind of religion? Because you really need some outside support. If I were you I would start going to counseling, if you already haven't. It's perfectly normal to be so depressed. But, also it's as equally important that you two are there for each other the way each of you needs. That being said, how does he handle this loss? What does he need from you? You may find just asking him this simple question may open up a line of communication that could help the both of you. Maybe if he sees that you want to be his "rock", he may be inspired to be yours as well. communication is key here. I have found with my husband that no matter what is going on, as long as we can talk, we can work it out. We have suffered so much loss in our lives throughout our marriage, that we have learned that no matter what we can get through anything as long as we have each other. I will pray for you and your family. Just know that God doesn't make mistakes...even though right now it may seem like this can't be God's doing, it is. And there is a bigger picture not yet seen by us. God Bless you and Good luck!!

Answer 6

I know there is a alot of things that you guys have been going through, and that it tough. I am very sorry that this is all happening to you. Have you guys considered a marriage counsler? That does some good for some people, even though sometimes it doesn't for some others. But that is something to consdier. You really need to sit down somewhere where you both enjoy and is quiet, where you can really connect and talk to eachother. You both need to sit and tell eachother what exactly is on your minds. You both should try to come up with things that you both can try together to make that marriage work. You have to try everything you possibly can to make that work, because you 2 have not been married that long, and you dont want anything to happen to this marriage. You both are in this marriage together, so therefore, he should whatever it takes to make you happy, and you should do whatever it takes to make him happy. Meaning, he should understand if you want to adopt. Plus, that is a winderful thing, because you are giving someone else a life that they possibly could not have, but also with him, if he wants to have children, you need to understand that too. Have you talked to the doctors about what might be wrong with you about having all this trouble with pregnancies? Is there any hope about a seraget mother? I think you guys do have a chance, there are just a lot of issues that you both need to talk about, and straighten up. I don' t think theres too much to really end a marriage or think that your marriage is in jeapardy. Things can be resolved. I hope you can find a solution to this. Again, I am really sorry to hear all that. Good luck..

Answer 7

Your depression is probably directly related to the loss of your baby and is known as post-partum depression. Even though you didn't carry full-term, the hormonal drop is still in effect, and you should get some help for it as soon as possible.

With that being said, you should also consider getting grief counseling for both of you. Losing a child is NEVER easy, and you've had several losses consecutively. This has to be exceptionally heart-wrenching, and there's nothing harder for a person to endure than the loss of a baby, regardless of when the loss occurs.

In the mean time (during the counseling & healing process), PLEASE do not attempt another pregnancy until you've had time to confront and accept your losses.

Once you've gone through the emotional healing you both desperately need, consider seeking help from a fertility specialist. There may be something going on that needs to be addressed from a medical specialist.

Finally, while you're currently opposed to adoption, there are possibilities out there...and a lot of kids do need good homes. Also surrogacy is a possibility - maybe a sibling or other family member might consider carrying your child for you.

Please be assured that if a couple loves one another enough, the lack of ability to bear children is not necessarily a deal-breaker for the marriage. Your husband may understand better than you think he does. Sure he WANTS kids, but is he willing to put you - his WIFE - through the emotional trauma of more heartbreak? How about himself? Chances are, the answers are no and no.
If your love is strong and your faith and hope are equally strong, you'll get through this, regardless of the parental outcome.

I wish you luck, healing, emotional well-being, and a happy future.

Answer 8

First off I'm so sorry for your loss . Give you and your partner a chance to grieve-as I am sure you are aware grieving is a process support each other and love each other for now. and take a break from tring to have a baby. If you focus on each other for a while you might find later that how you feel in the right here and now may be totally different later. This may take at least a year. loosing a child at any age is horrific, at any age! sometimes in this type of situation it is better to not try so hard you've only been married 2 years give it some time. Of course your marriage stands a chance. just remember to love each other always in every way. I wish you and your partner the best!! as I'm sure it will come your way soon enough.

Answer 9

Of course you 'stand a chance'!!! You two have really been through many tests and trials during your short marriage.

I cannot fathom losing a child like you did. I'm so sorry for your loss!

Guys deal with grief much differently than we gals do - he's ready to try again, even though you aren't physically or mentally ready. Talk to him and see if you two can take a year off of baby making - this will allow your body to recover AND give you the time you need to focus on just the two of you.

You really are just newlyweds - there's so much you probably don't know about each other. After 14 years of marriage I can promise that it gets sweeter and easier each year. Don' t give up on your marriage! I believe that good things are definitely coming your way - God bless!!!

Answer 10

You have only been married a short time. Have you checked with a specialist to see if there is a medical reason for your miscarriages? You said you love him, so I am sure you will do everything possible to make your marriage work.
You ask if you stand a chance, of course you do. You have suffered more loss and stayed together then most people. Your made of good stuff. My husband and I learned early on in our marriage, that if it is perfect, it not ours. As crazy as that sounds , we like it that way
I have had a couple miscarriages too. It is very difficult and everyone is different. You are on a emotional roller coaster with the hormones and all so don't give up. Don't hesitate to check with medial professionals.