A friend of mine(well, more like a former friend) is about 6 1/2 monthes pregnant, due at the beginning of February. This particular person USED to be a close friend. That is, until she did some really messed-up things , such as putting me in a lot of debt that I can't get out of and turning some of my other so-called friends against me. It was horrible. I ended up forgiving her, though, and when she got pregnant I decided I wanted to stick around so I could be in her baby's life. She really wants me there, and I can't help but feel obligated. The situation with the baby's father is pretty unfortunate--she really isn't sure who the father is, but the guy we THINK is the father is a peice of crap. He's not gonna be there for the baby, we know this. So I would feel REALLY guilty if I walked away now. What should I do? All answers are appreciated, thank you.
2006-11-11 16:25:13 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
I have also been to a few of her doctor's appointments. I've heard the baby's heartbeat and seen the baby via sonogram. So already I have become attached.
2006-11-11 16:28:05 · update #1
Geez, this sounds like a real mess! It sounds like you feel obligated for the baby, but the mother (and whoever the father is) has a real mess of a life right now.
Ask yourself this: how would you be helping the baby, and what would your relationship be like with the mother? If you think the mother is using you, and playing on your feelings of guilt, this is not going to help you or the baby. If you really cannot walk away, and dismiss the mother from your life, think about what you do feel comfortable with, and support her in that way.
My thoughts are with you, this sounds like a tough one, and will be a tough situation for the mother and baby as well.
2006-11-11 16:35:29 · answer #1 · answered by little1missy1234 3 · 13⤊ 0⤋
YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER. So no matter how you feel, you are not the one obligated to stay. Yea, you will feel bad, but did she feel bad when she turned your friends against you and put you in debt? The only thing that you are wrong for is claiming to have forigiven her when you obviously haven't...You don't have to stick around to be in the child's life. What for? You didn't help her make the baby and more than likely, all she is going to do is try to use you anyways. I don't know what I would do in that situation. I'm not much of a forgiving person. If you feel like you can't walk completely away, then just be friends from a distance...Meaning phone calls only. That's it. But you are not wrong for wanting to get out now, while you can. She brought all this on herself.
2006-11-12 00:28:52 · answer #2 · answered by Truth Hurts 6 · 12⤊ 1⤋
Some times you have to give "tough love" as Judge Mathis says. My advice would be, be there for her and the baby as much as you can but don't go out of your way for her. Maybe this time apart would give her the opportunity to realize what a good friend she has and when she comes into the realization, hey maybe you guys could have a better relationship than you had before or at least get it to better than what it is now or you can truly forgive and forget and be there for her. Maybe the new baby could be a new beginning for the both of you! Everyone deserves a second chance. Just don't give her the opportunity to screw you over a second time.
2006-11-12 00:32:32 · answer #3 · answered by lovelife 2 · 12⤊ 1⤋
You and your friend both need to re-establish a different relationship with each other considering past circumstances. A break in what is known as The Order has occurred and must be repaired. This is why you are torn between feeling of obligation to her and bitterness concerning her past actions.
I offer spiritual counseling, some of what I teach is listed on my 360 blog. Click on my avatar and you should find a link to it. If you want to talk further just drop me a line. I'd like to help you if I can.
Master Amara
2006-11-12 00:29:05 · answer #4 · answered by Amara 1 · 13⤊ 0⤋
If you're still thinking about it, you haven't forgiven her.
No one can really tell you what to do.
My opinion:
Watching the baby's first year will be like watching a train wreck. It may be painful. You could bond with that baby, and never get out of the situation because of your love for the child. Cut your losses, she's having a baby, not turning into a different person. I think you're young, you'll likely make other friends.
2006-11-12 00:30:18 · answer #5 · answered by steelypen 5 · 12⤊ 1⤋
Yes you should be there for her to show her that you've always been a real friend unlike herself. It's really showing your a mature person because all the things she done to you and look who she wants there in the end. You. And that says alot for you just stick by her not because she's a wonderful friend because that baby may need some guidance and her as well. Good Luck!
2006-11-12 00:31:34 · answer #6 · answered by 2sweet4u 4 · 12⤊ 1⤋
Why do you feel obligated, in what way? She did you wrong but you forgave her and that was a good thing for you to do, so she is no longer your former friend. Why do you feel you have to be in her baby's life? You have nothing to be guilty about, she chosed to be involved with a peice of crap and have his baby ! You seem like you want to be her friend, so just be her friend BUT watch your back ! ! Are you sure she wants to be your friend ? ? ?
2006-11-12 00:49:59 · answer #7 · answered by Neetaa 2 · 12⤊ 1⤋
a real friend would not have done those horrible things that you mentioned in the beginning. its good that you forgave her, but she may just be using you now that shes going to have a child. im assuming that she will not be able to financially support this child, and you dont want to be stuck paying for it. she made the choices to become pregnant and doesnt even know who the father is. these are bad choices that she made and with your guys' past it looks like you are not wrong to walk away from all of it.
2006-11-12 00:30:01 · answer #8 · answered by laura 4 · 12⤊ 1⤋
You would feel guilty. I don't mean to interfere with your choice, but trust me, you don't want to regret it. My aunt had someone to help her out just like you. Her 'helper' walked out on her because of my aunts numerous mistakes. My aunt couldn't handle it and had to set the baby up for adoption. Her 'helper' could've prevented her husband from leaving her and ruining my aunts life. I didn't plan on writing the following, but just in case you want to know how bad this effected her, read on.
My aunt came to my house one day to stay over after her husband divorced her, winning nearly everything she possessed.
We made her right at home, she looked happy for the first time since she realized she was pregnant, and then it went downfall from there. She got pregnant at the bar and had to abort the baby due to an illness. She (sadly to my family) became a hooker. She
gambled every day for money to get herself a better house. She went off one night and didn't come back. I always thought about what could've happened to her, but if only her helper hadn't left her, maybe she wouldn't have had the trouble with paying her bills and getting ready for the baby, maybe if her helper had stayed with her, the baby would've been happy with my aunt and she wouldn't have been through the divorce.
Please don't leave them.
2006-11-12 00:36:11 · answer #9 · answered by Cujo 2 · 12⤊ 1⤋
recommend that she have a paternity test. she'll need to have conversations with each of the guys she was with during that time, and hopefully the true father wills tick around and take up his burden, whether by marrying her, or at least by paying child support
you're in an awkward situation, in which she may not appreciate you telling her this. but this "intervention" is in her and her child's best interest.
2006-11-12 00:30:27 · answer #10 · answered by Heath 3 · 12⤊ 1⤋