How can I stop my mother in law from being so controlling?

Question

She's terrible. She is always talking to my husband who I've been with for 5 years, married for one. He and I are both 23. He is too nice to tell her, "mom, i don't need to talk to you daily." She called on our wedding night--when we were, uh, busy to say the least. My husband has been hiding his phone calls to her. Erasing his incoming calls list...yesterday, I looked at his incoming call list and he and his mom talked for 10 minutes less than an hour before. I asked, if he talked to her. He lied. He said he hadn't...sad thing is I don't mind that they talk, I really, really don't...I just wish he didn't HAVE to talk to her every day.sometimes 3xs a day. It makes me crazy. I left my family and I'm clinging to him, as the bible tells us to, but why can't he do the same for me? It is begining to hurt my feelings more and more. I would never tell him to stop talking to her, that's just not my place, but how can I teach him that I should be his priority-at dinner, in bed,etc?

Answer 1

I'm 24 and my husband just turned 27, I know where ur coming from cause my mom is controlling as all heck! My husbands mom has her ways like telling him what to do which to me doesn't bother me but it seems to annoy the crap out of him so he just doesn't do them just to prove to her that she doesn't need to keep telling him what to do. My mom knows I won't take her crap so she won't say anything anymore (cause I'm married..lol) *evil laugh*...trust me it's either she controls me or she doesn't (sad but I guess it's my reality) I love my mom and mum-in-law. My husband and I have to build our own unique foundations. Be patient and try not to panic sis, I know it's annoying TRUST me I know but just ignore that feeling you get whenever she calls. Step back for a moment and observe in silence without going off on him or her. Just watch it. Calm your mind and TRY to emit good vibes from your heart.

She is having a hard time grasping the fact that her baby is married. Check this site out it helped me deal with difficult situations:

Answer 2

since when was it up to your mother in law whether or not you decide to have more children? What the hell has it got to do with her? you say you don't want tension between you but there already is if you feel the way you do and it will only get worse unless you say something. If you don't want to confront her directly then have a word with your partner. Your son is only 10 months old - what could he possibly be doing for her to discipline him all the time? There are better ways to teach your baby than constantly disciplining him like games etc. It sounds like the sooner you move out the better for everyone because she sounds like a nightmare!

Answer 3

Honey, I'm a mother of four boys and if I don't talk to them daily, I'm sick with wonder and worry if something is wrong. BUT, my children are still living at home and alot younger (15,12,8,5). Everyone tells me that I"m going to be exactly like your mother in law if I don't stop or start letting go a little. My fifteen year old can be out with his frieinds, it'll be way before his curfew and I'll call just to see what he is up to. It's being over-protective, it's wrong, and it's a bad habit that I need to start breaking before I have daughter in laws resenting me as much as you seem to do to your mother in law.

As much as I hate to say this...this is where you need to step in honey. Don't put it on your husband's shoulders to tell him to have mom stop calling. IT makes you look like you can't handle it and moms love coming to the rescue of their children if they think there are problems.

What you really need to do, is take his mom out for lunch or coffee, (someplace nuetral...so it doesn't cause a scene). Then tell her that you love the fact that her family is so close and you appreciate and respect the close relationship she has with your husband...BUT, it's starting to interfere in your lives and it's making you feel like you aren't doing your job as a wife is he's always running to her. I know this conversation is going to be akward to say the least, but you have to do it. It'll mean more to her that you were strong enough to speak your mind, admit the feeling of being inferior to her, yet, strong enough to say "you've raised him to be a great man, let me enjoy him too". Suggest the calls to once a day, instead of three, then taper it down to every other day, then once a week. It's going to take time...like I said, this is a habit for her. But if you take the initiative, then she's going to respect your wishes too honey....it works both ways.

Before you do this....PLEASE make sure it's not your husband giving her reason or asking her to call first. I've seen that happen many of times before as well, because if he is, then it makes you look like the bad guy. And some boys are just "mammas boys". And if that is your problem, take solace in knowing that a man will treat his wife how he treats his mother and if he has that much respect for her, you know darn well, he's going to do the same for you.

Answer 4

Sounds like you are married to a very immature man. He needs to show his mother her place in his life. His first priority should be you now that you are married. If he doesn't put her in her place kindly, but firmly he will allow her to control your family ever more when you have children. You and your husband are the parents now, and you need to make decisions for the sake of your family. She is now the extended family, and should take a second place to your needs and desires. Because it is his mother that is causing the problems, it is his place to have a talk with her and see that she respects himself and you now that he is a married man. Tell him to step up to the plate and handle his business like a man, and then give him the respect that he deserves for doing so, along with lots of love. Good luck!

Answer 5

First of all, a 23 year old male, is still a boy - not a man, so it's no wonder he still talks to his mommy all the time. This probably won't ever change, it may get better, but won't change. You will find out if you have a son. My advise is to talk to your mother in law. Tell her you need her sons attention now because you are his wife. Does she wan grandkids? If so, she's not going to get any by calling all the time and interupting your life! Hang in there grl, you'll be fine.

Answer 6

Have you told him how you feel about this? If not, I suggest you sit down and talk to him about your feelings and how distressing this is for you. You are both very young, but his mother is probably not going to change unless the two of you establish some boundaries with her. Since it's his mother, he should make some effort to set some boundaries with her. Perhaps a marriage counselor could help you two. It sounds like your husband has a hard time standing up to his mother and needs to grow more of a backbone. If his mother is interfering with your marriage to the extent that you are writing questions on a website for advice, someone needs to put her in her place. What have you got to lose by standing up to her and standing your ground.?

Answer 7

I don't if it's controlling or co-dependency. Your husband needs to make a decision to talk to his mom. I know it will be difficult, but if you guys are bothe Christian and want an honorable marriage, you have live by the Word and if mom is a Christian she should understand and not feel put off...but out of respect for the marriage she will have to take on another position. Pray about it. That God will give your Hubby wisdom on how to go about it...pray for the mom too...she sounds VERY lonely and co-dependent. Does she have friends? Is he an only child? This can also be a factor. My mom is an only child and my grannie sticks to her like white on rice...it's scary...but the bond is SUPER STRONG!

Answer 8

Well, if she is a Christian, maybe you should make a photocopy of the Bible verse that talks about the importance of a man leaving his mother and father to start his own family. You need to sit down and write her a letter about how this is disrupting your marriage...

Dag, is she married? Does she have a life of her own? She needs friends--bad...But, if it was me in your shoes--I would go off on her and probably really hurt her feelings by picking up the phone and saying "Dag, didnt you just call here, like 10 minutues ago--you need a life Mom, I'm gonna send you on a blind date"-.....but thats just me.

Answer 9

Hey tell him to go home to his mommy if he wants some pudding.
If he asks why? tell him I said this and tell him to e mail me. I can not stand a mommies boy. You call him a man. He is no man.
I do not call my mommy or would never move in with my parents no matter what. I would do 3 jobs if I had to.
Do not take this litly little lady. This is just the begining. Do something fast before you have kids.

Answer 10

You can't stop her; that's up to your husband. He has to find the maturity and strength to stand up to her and tell her that you are his family now. My question to you is: does he WANT to let go. Some people (whether it's because they're young, or insecure, or whatever the reason) are not comfortable with leaving their old family and starting a new one. You may want to talk to your husband and try to get to the bottom of the reason for staying so attached to his mother.